I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing.
“This whole thing… it was wrong. I knew it was wrong. I thought if I could just back away, just give you enough space…” He sighed. “It didn’t really go to plan, though, did it?”
“I… I just…” I slumped down in my seat. “I just wanted it so bad. It broke my heart.”
“Seeing you with Harry Sawbridge…” His brows were heavy, concentrated. “Helen, you’re better than that.”
“I didn’t feel it.” My heart hurt. “I don’t feel it. I feel like nothing. I just wanted it done.”
“Don’t say that.”
“It’s true. I feel like nothing. Just a stupid little girl. A weirdo. A stupid virgin.”
“Shh,” he said. “Don’t.”
“Why not? It’s the truth.”
He moved so slowly. Dropping to the floor and closing the distance on his knees, and he was there, in front of me, warm hands on my knees through the throw. “That isn’t the truth.”
“You would say that. You have to say that. You’re my teacher.”
“I’m hardly acting like it.”
“You are.” And I was sad again. “You are acting like it.”
“I’ve been trying.”
I managed a small smile. “You’re not doing so bad.”
“That’s debatable.”
“You didn’t have to pick me up,” I said. “You should have left me there.”
“Yes,” he said. “I should have. I’m too drunk to drive.”
“You don’t seem it.”
“That doesn’t matter. I’m still too drunk to drive.” His eyes were on mine, and they burned. “Anna was killed by a drunk driver. He was three times the limit, lost control on a bend and she was in the wrong place at the wrong time. Just one split second of bad timing. If he hadn’t been drinking, if his reactions had been better…” He looked away. “I don’t drink and drive, Helen. I never drink and drive.”
My soul shrivelled. “And I made you? I made you do it, didn’t I? Oh my God …”
“You didn’t make me. Your irresponsible choices made me. Please don’t make a habit of it.”
I was crying again, and it was stupid but I couldn’t stop. “I’m so sorry…”
“Don’t be sorry, Helen, just learn from it.” He squeezed my knee through the throw. “You didn’t know.”
“But she died… because of a drunk… and I made you… I made you drive…”
“Yes, she did. But I drove slowly, and carefully, and we were lucky. I weighed up the options and took a calculated risk.”
I nodded, and I was sniffly.
“Sometimes that’s all we can do, Helen. Weigh up our options and take a calculated risk. Don’t you think?”
I shrugged like a stupid kid. “I guess.”
“You guess?” He was smiling, a sad smile, a resigned smile as though he’d lived a thousand years. Maybe that’s what I did to him. Maybe being around someone as young and as stupid as me made him feel old. “I was hoping for a little more than I guess, since I’m about to take another one.”
Something fluttered, in my belly, something small and nice. “Another one?”
“Another calculated risk.” He moved, placing a hand beside me on the sofa, and my body moved for his, clearing a space as he filled it. He reached out a hand for me, and I shivered as his thumb brushed my lip. He trailed his fingers down my neck, brushing my hair to the side. “So help me, God,” he mumbled, and I don’t think it was for me.
His mouth pressed to mine, and his arms pulled me close, and it was really real. I wrapped my arms around his neck, and I kissed him back. I kissed him back as my heart stuttered and my soul came alive again. His tongue was needy, and his breath was ragged, and he was alive, too. I could feel him straining to keep the lid on a boiling pot, but it was bubbling and clattering and slipping. It was already toppling, and the pot boiled over.
I dared to reach for his tie. Dared to loosen it, and he didn’t fight me.
He slipped his jacket from my shoulders, and my skin wasn’t cold anymore. His fingers tickled, dancing over my skin, and he sucked at my bottom lip, breathed into my mouth, and I wanted him, I wanted him more than I’d ever wanted anything in my life.
He broke away and I moaned. “Please, no,” I said. “Please don’t stop.”
I fumbled at his buttons, desperate to see him, but he stilled my fingers, took my hands in his. My stomach lurched until I realised he was smiling.