The cold splash of reality smacks me in the face. I don't know how to live anymore. Not without Sam taking all the responsibility away. He dressed me, fed me, entertained me. He took care of me the way I took care of Johnny. And like Johnny, I am going to have to learn it all over again.
I sob, “I was supposed to save him.” Carter embraces me, and for a fraction of a moment, I recall the warmth of his hugs. “Everything has gone to shit.” I left Johnny just like Sam left me. Maybe it was an act of mercy when Sam released me, just like my decision to pull Sam out of the house, but both had unintended consequences.
Carter holds me up as a rush of tears takes over my body. But I only let the moment last a few seconds, damming the tears back inside, pulling myself out of Carter's grip suddenly.
All this time, I kept thinking I had changed, while somehow everything around me had remained static. But the world doesn't wait for you just because you were kidnapped. Just like woods with those structures Sam and his father built as a child, it just grows over the memory of you.
“I should just stay here,” Carter declares as he puts on his wristwatch. “They'll understand. Hell, maybe I should just take some time off.”
“No,” I protest firmly. “That's ridiculous. You cannot derail your life like that. I appreciate the thought, I do. But I won't let that happen. We can't let this change things.”
“I can't concentrate knowing you're here alone. At least we should wait until your parents return.”
“It's been four days. They'll be back soon enough. I'm just going to sit here all day anyway. There’s a police car watching. If you want things to get back to normal, we have to act like it.” I stand up from my chair and take a few steps closer. I can feel his need. He wants me to touch him, kiss him, but I can't. I'm still not here. “Don't put this on me. I can't be responsible for this. Please, just go back.”
“Okay, well I am going to call you every hour to check in.”
“Fine.”
“Okay,” he says with cautious resolve. I follow him as he heads to the door. He turns to face me and sighs. “Okay,” he says again. “Bye.”
“Bye,” I reply with a wistful smirk.
He's stiff, like invisible arms have bear-hugged him. I can see the tightness of his body, resisting the urge to hug me. I should reach out, tell him it's okay to touch me, but I don't. I can't.
“I'll be fine.”
He nods and leaves.
I wait until his footsteps disappear, and then lock and chain the door. I flip around and press my back against the door, gasping for air. I can finally breathe. It's only been four days, but Carter is suffocating me. I should want that constant attention, but it's not the kind I craved, the kind Sam was able to give. Carter's is cautious, gentle, and awkward. I have to be easy on us, I understand that, but I just need to have room to myself. Not only retreat to the bathroom where I take extra-long showers so I can sob on the floor.
I head for the window and look out to the street. A lone patrol car sits outside. Sheriff said they’d be there for the next week, both at Carter’s and my mother’s house, making sure no one returned. He has to pretend he wants to solve this. I think he’s gambling on Sam being too smart to turn up so quickly. I turn on the TV. There are some daytime soaps on so I turn the dial. My face, it's there. A picture of an unfamiliar girl. I panic and turn the dial again before I can hear a word of what the news has to say about me. I change the dials to the last channel, then back. By then, the news has moved on from my story. But I can't quiet my mind, so I switch it off. I meander throughout the small apartment, touching things as if they were rare artifacts.
I hear a noise in the hallway and I freeze. Is it him?
I run to the door and look through the peephole, a neighbor is entering her apartment. I look down at my arm and see all the baby hairs are raised. I run to the windows and make sure each one is locked, shades drawn.
I jiggle my head as if trying to dispel the contradicting thoughts. I want him still. I hate that I do. I'm scared and yet I want him to come to me.
He is my greatest threat, and so, until I am back on his side, I will feel danger looming. Being with Sam, having him on my team, is the only way I'll feel safe again.
I spend the next hour jumping at every sound and tidying up things that don't need tidying, until restlessness overrides fear. I throw on a shirt of Carter's and a pair of pants he picked up for me from my house. I tuck my hair up and borrow a pair of his sunglasses.
I stare at the door for a minute, contemplating if I should breach this safe zone. It's been four days since I stepped outside that door. I wish I could just go to the lake. It's quiet and open and I'm not trapped between walls.
Stop it, Vesp. You're not going back. Do this. You need to do this.
I grip the knob tentatively, holding it with a tremulous hand.
You can do this. Turn it. Do it.
I close my eyes and bite my lips together, taking a choppy breath. Drawing the jittery energy out of my body. Summoning strength.