Sam knew I couldn't come back and he let me go anyway. Dropped me into a world that couldn't possibly understand the choices I had made. Changed the shape of me, and then tried to shove me back into a space where I can no longer fit.
I slide into the warm water of the shower. I close my eyes and remember when he first took me in the cabin shower, when without words he showed me I made him weak.
I slide down the cold wall of the shower and sit on the floor. I let the water rain over me and I sob. I'm scared. I don't know how much more I can survive. I embraced him. And he ripped my arms from him and let me fall. He's out there. I know he is. And someday I will find him. I will thrust him from his life the way he took me.
“I'm sorry, I thought I had more in the fridge,” Carter says as I sit down in front of a grilled cheese sandwich, cut diagonally. “It's so late, nothing is open.”
“No, this is great,” I insist. I take a bite and look up. He's just standing up against a wall, staring at me. When he sees me looking back, he snaps out of it.
“I'm sorry, Vesp. I just…I just can't believe you're back.”
“Me neither.”
“You know, I never gave up on you. I mean, I knew logically what the statistics were, but I knew you, too. And you are strong and so good…and…that's why I still got this place. I thought, if you came back, if you wanted, you'd have someplace to live that wasn't that house.”
I stall with a bite from my sandwich. I don't know what to say. I am not strong. I didn't fight hard enough. Or did I? Did I fight so hard to survive that I became someone else?
“Thank you,” I reply.
“And I just want to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I tried so hard to break that door down. To get to you. And I heard you. I heard what you said. What you did to protect us. I'm so—”
“Don't. Please. Don't do that. You have nothing to apologize for.”
He frowns and nods a few times, holding back his despair.
“So where is my family?” I ask, ready to broach the painful subject.
“Brazil, in the Amazon. I called the resort they're scheduled to go to when they return from their excursion, but they will be out of reach for a few days until then.”
I snicker. “She took Johnny to the Amazon? She's insane. Well, at least this has forced her to spend time with him.”
“Yeah.” Carter's eyes flitter away from mine nervously.
“What?” I demand.
“Listen, this is a lot to come back to. You should just rest up for today, we can catch up tomorrow.”
“Carter, fucking tell me,” I snap.
He takes a deep breath, swallows, and bows his head. “Johnny doesn't live with your mother anymore.”
“What?” I pry indignantly.
“He's in a home for people with disabilities.”
The news knocks the wind out of me like a kick to the chest. I feel sick. Sick that not only was I forgotten, but that he was too.
I shoot up to my feet, staggering to the bedroom.
Carter shuffles from his post against the wall and races to meet me.
“What are you doing, Vesp?” he asks.
“I'm going to get him. He can't be in there. I didn't do all this for him to be shuttled into a home! That selfish bitch!” I cry.
“I don't think that's a good idea.”
“Of course you don't. You never wanted him around. No one did!”
His shoulders sink. “That's not fair, Vesp.”
“I can't let him rot in there. He has a family. He's not a fucking plant. He's a human being who needs love and attention!” I shout, marching past Carter, who shuffles again to block me.
“Vesp, I know the place. He's in a good place. He's getting a lot of attention. He's getting specialized treatment. It's a good place.”
“He needs me,” I insist. “He needs me!”
“What are we going to do? Break him out? You aren't his legal guardian.”
“I'll do what it takes,” I sneer, sidestepping him.
Carter grips my shoulders, I shudder at his touch. It feels like a betrayal to the person who took so much away from me.
“Please, just listen,” Carter pleads. “You just got back and you need to take care of yourself. He's in a safe place, a good place. Soon, you can visit him. But you are in no shape to take care of Johnny. You need to take care of yourself for once. He's been through a lot, too. You can't just waltz into the home and pull him out of there. Do you understand how much that would confuse him? And what about you? You have been gone for almost a year. You haven't even been back a day. You need to focus on yourself. If you care about Johnny, you will leave him there until you know in your heart of hearts you are truly ready to take care of a special kid like him.”