There’s a small smile on his face that makes the corners of his eyes crinkle attractively. “In some ways, you’re the same.”
I raise an eyebrow, placing the wine glass down on the table. “You mean I still don’t have a clue when to shut up?”
He chuckles wryly. “And in other ways, you’re very different. What’s changed, Blaire?” he asks softly.
“Everything.” I trace the white tablecloth with the pads of my fingers. “You know, I don’t have much anymore, but I’m happy. Everything I own, I’ve earned by working on my two feet. And it’s the best feeling in the world. I look at myself in the mirror each morning and I’m not ashamed.” I raise my face and smile.
“I’m finally free, Lawrence. For once, when I look in the mirror, I like the person who’s staring back at me. Don’t get me wrong. I still like pretty things, but my existence and self-worth do not revolve around them. I don’t have to hide behind them, either.”
Lawrence reaches for my hand, lacing our fingers tightly together. He doesn’t say a word. He doesn’t have to. His touch is enough. “Where’s Ronan, Blaire? Why isn’t he with you?”
I attempt to smile, but I can’t hide the pain from Lawrence. “Some things aren’t meant to be.”
“Don’t I know it?” Lawrence adds quietly.
I lift his hand, raise it to my mouth, and kiss it. “I’m so sorry for everything, Lawrence. Even after all this time, it still hurts to know that I caused you so much pain. You didn’t deserve any of it. I didn’t—”
“There’s no room for logic when the heart is involved. To love is to lose all sense of reason.” He stares straight ahead, his mind far away. “Before you came into my life, I thought that I couldn’t love again, that my life was as good as it was going to get. But you made me want more. Need more. You did hurt me, but you also awoke something in me that had lain dormant for years.”
“What’s that?”
Lawrence trains his eyes on me, a rueful gleam illuminating his green gaze. “Shall we call it the need to love and be loved in return?”
Later in the evening, we’re standing outside the restaurant. The summer breeze is warm against my skin and makes strands of my hair fly wildly in different directions. As we look at each other silently, sadness fills me from within, sorrow gripping my heart with its sharp nails. A gut feeling tells me that this is the last time that we’ll see each other, and I’m not ready for that.
A knot forms in my stomach. “So is this good-bye?”
He stares at me and without saying a word, I already know the answer. I can see it in his eyes.
“Lawrence, I—”
“Don’t say it, Blaire. Don’t say something that you’ll regret.”
My eyes absorb the man standing in front of me, memorizing his features so dear to my heart. “I regret many things that happened between us, but I won’t ever regret you, Lawrence. Not you,” I add softly.
I love you.
Taking a step forward, I close the space between us. I place my hands on his shoulders, stand on my tiptoes, and kiss his cheek. I shut my eyes momentarily and breathe him in, losing myself in the past. Meeting him at the Met. Going to his estate for the first time. The taste of his kisses. The feel of his arms around me. The laughter. The friendship. Yes, most of all, the friendship. My friend. My lover.
As I’m moving away, I whisper in his ear, “I’ll always remember Coney Island.”
He doesn’t touch me. He doesn’t reach for me. My blood runs cold. It’s unfair to be this close to him, yet still so far.
“Good-bye, Blaire. Be kind to Parisian men and their hearts.”
I take a step back and begin to walk away from Lawrence. My feet are shaky. Don’t look back, Blaire. Don’t. Let him go.
When I reach the curb of the street, I hear Lawrence call out my name. I’m about to turn in the direction of his voice when his hand grips my arm, spinning me around, and he pulls me flush against his chest. Burying his fingers in my hair, his hands cradling my head, he dips his head and presses his mouth to mine.
A kaleidoscope of emotions burst inside me, stunning me with their intensity. And as he steals my breath away with a bruising kiss that makes every nerve in my body come alive, I see a different life flash by. Lawrence standing by the altar, his smiling eyes trained on me. Lawrence and I at the beach chasing two little boys who look just like him, their laughter, our laughter, filling my ears, creating music. Making love by the fireplace, slow, needy. It’s a beautiful life.
As he deepens the kiss, his tongue seeking mine, I allow myself to be swept away by him and the beautiful portrait in my mind. And for a short magic moment, somewhere between the past and the present, I yearn for that life. But deep down, I’m aware that it can never be. Not when my heart knows that Ronan is alive somewhere in this world.