“Do you,” he pauses, “do you love him?” The question is torn from him. I can almost taste the blood it draws from him on my tongue.
I think of everything that we’ve been through to finally get to this moment; all the heartache, the lies, and the deceit. I wish that I could explain to Ronan that I don’t love Lawrence the way that I love him. That a small part of me, the one who loves another man, will always mourn for him. But I’m finally with Ronan to whom I belong body and soul. I remain silent, unable to lie to him.
Sometimes what is not said is answer enough.
“I see …” A cloud of sadness crosses his eyes before closing them.
“Did you love her?”
He looks at me again. “I don’t think so. I liked her a lot, Blaire. I liked being with her, we had fun together, and the sex took my mind off of you. She helped me when the dark was so fucking dark I couldn’t see …”
His response is like a dagger to my heart, but it would be na?ve to think that we’re the same two people who fell in love during an idyllic summer. We’ve both lived many lives since then, lives that have changed us. But at the core, I hope that our love for one another remains just as strong as it was before. That it can glue us back together.
“You feel this?” I place my hands on his shoulders as I begin to rub myself against him. “It’s yours. Only yours.” I kiss his jaw, each corner of his lips, his mouth. “I wish I could tell you what you want to hear, but I can’t.” Groaning, Ronan holds me by the waist as I undulate my hips over his growing erection. It swells and throbs for me. “All we can do is move on. Together.”
I cup his cheek as Ronan grabs his cock in his hand, pulling me forward with the other, and enters me in one swift, deep thrust. Moaning, I close my eyes momentarily at the feel of him moving inside me. So hard. So thick. “I know that too much has happened and it has changed us, but together we will get through it. I know it.”
Ronan thrusts upwards. “Are you thinking about him now?”
“No, baby.” I caress the crest of his cheek. “I’m not.”
We fuck then. It’s angry and fast. Bruising. It is as though he’s trying to fuck Lawrence’s memory out of me, out of the room, out of my heart until it’s only him I feel inside, around me, everywhere. He brands himself on me, in me, claiming me as his once again.
And I let him. I give him everything that he wants.
When we’re finished, he picks me up and carries me back to bed. His arms, strong like corded steel, come around me from behind, pulling me closer to him. We lie down in silence as our breathing slows down.
“I talked to Elly.”
I stroke the skin of his arm, smiling. “So that’s why you came after me, huh? And here I thought it was because you couldn’t live without me,” I tease.
“I can’t live without you, Blaire,” he states before nuzzling my neck. “But tell me why?”
“Why did I leave?” I sigh while I tell myself that he has every right to know, and the only way that we will have a chance at making it is to finally be honest with him. “I hope you’re not sleepy because it’s a long story.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” He reaches for my hand, squeezing it. It’s such a small gesture, but it makes me feel like I’m not alone.
“Where should I start? There’s so much to tell.”
“Start at the beginning, babe.”
And I do. I tell him everything about my childhood, my life in New York City and all the men that came before him, why I left him, and what happened after that with Lawrence and my parents. There are no more barriers and walls left around us.
After I pour my heart out for what seems like hours, I’m embarrassed to even look at him. There’s no scarier feeling than opening yourself to someone, exposing every ugly and flawed piece of you, and hoping that they will love you, despite it all.
“You know, all my life I thought that it was my fault that my parents fought. That if I behaved like the perfect child, they would stay together, love each other and me. But I know now that it had nothing to do with me or with the love that they felt for me. The realization is …” I swallow, trying to soothe the ache in my chest. “Freeing.”
Letting me go, Ronan grabs me by my shoulder and turns me to face him. “Hey, hey,” he says gently. “Don’t hide from me, baby. Come here.” He embraces me in a hug so tight it’s hard to breathe. “Listen to me, Blaire … every sharp corner, every single scar that you have is mine to love. And I will help you heal because I’m a selfish bastard and I need you in my life to be complete.”
“I don’t deserve you.” My heart swells. I shake my head. “I’m not worthy of you.”
“Here, babe.” Placing a hand under my chin, he tips it up and makes me look at him. “We both made mistakes. I just wish I had fought harder for you. I shouldn’t have let you walk away from me so easily.”