Deb shook her head. “Why didn’t you tell me this was your plan? I do a favor for you, and you lie to me?”
“I’m sorry.” I wiped my cheek. “I just have a few days left, and I don’t know how much longer they’ll leave Josh on the ventilator. It was a last-minute decision.”
Deb sat, digging her elbow into my mattress and resting her head in her hand. “Tell me more.”
I sniffed. “Really?”
She nodded, sincere.
“We’d just finished hanging the last painting on the wall of the apartment.”
“Really? I thought you didn’t like to put holes in the walls.”
“Because it didn’t feel like mine. Josh didn’t understand why it made me so happy to watch him hammer holes into the paint.” My breath caught. “Because it was ours. We’d made it into a home.”
Deb nodded, resting her chin in her hand.
“Josh had just finished setting up the crib. He wanted to decorate her nursery in fire and rescue stuff.” I made a face. “So we compromised. Pink and gray firetrucks and ambulances.” I touched my flat stomach. “He was such a proud father. Now he’ll never be able to hold her. I’ll never be able to hold her. I might never be able to hold him.”
“You really love him that much? You’d go back into a coma?”
“This isn’t my life, Deb. I know it sounds absolutely insane.”
“I believe you.”
“You do?”
She nodded. “But you can’t go back. We’ll just have to make sure Josh wakes up.”
“How?” I asked.
She shook her head, her hand pressing against her cheek. “I’ll take you there every day after PT. You talked him into marrying you once. Talk him into waking up.”
It had been ten days since I awoke from what I had thought was my life. Physical therapy was grueling. Even after just seven weeks, lying in bed motionless had made my muscles weak and scrawny, but I was determined to make progress. Every day, my body grew stronger, and even though I aspired to walk out of the hospital with my husband, my will to move forward diminished. My heart was broken. The love I’d felt had been very real.
Deb wheeled me into Josh’s room every day after PT. His body still lay unmoving, a shell of his former self. It was painful to see him so gaunt and weak, but I spoke to him for hours, telling him about our other life, and how we could have it again if he’d only wake up. I held his hand, knowing full well the rumors floating around the hospital, but Dr. Weaver had ordered another round of tests, seeing some change in Josh’s brain activity when I was in the room.
“I will be so glad to be able to take you home and feed you a decent meal.” Aunt Ellen slipped her hand over mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. “You are getting so thin.”
I smiled at her, hoping it looked convincing. I was grateful for her help, and I knew she had spent her savings to be by my side.
“I’d like to see Josh again. Could you tell Deb when she gets back?”
“You’ve spent two hours with him today, sweetheart.”
I tried to hold my smile, feeling I may come undone along my tattered edges if I didn’t get to see his face. The uncertainty in her eyes was obvious.
“I’m getting discharged tomorrow. It’s my last day.”
“So come back when you start your shift,” Aunt Ellen said, tucking my hair behind my ear.
“I won’t be cleared to work for a while. I don’t have a car. I don’t know when I can come back.”
“You’ll find a way.”
Like everyone else, Aunt Ellen didn’t understand. She was hoping I would forget my other life. She thought if I had enough time and space away from him, my love for him and my memories of our marriage would fade away. It wouldn’t.
“I should go now, before lunch,” I said, knowing I was pushing my luck. Aunt Ellen had no doubt heard the whispers around the hospital. “This whole thing is my fault,” I explained. “It only feels right that I offer him some company.”