“If it’s a boy I will learn to love blue,” she finally said after several moments.
I didn’t reply. I was too choked up to say anything. Instead, I held her. My only family. All I had in this world. My special gift in life. My sister.
Stone
I DROPPED THE PHONE IN my hand as the call ended. Deep down I knew she was gone. Believing it was hard to accept. Unanswered questions hung in the balance and I knew I may never get to ask them. Gerry hadn’t known much. She said that yesterday Beulah had been different. Sad, very grateful, and scared. When she hadn’t shown up this morning, Gerry wasn’t surprised. She’d waited until after lunch to call me.
It had been the day after my ninth birthday when my father had come to tell me my mother wouldn’t be stopping by to visit again. She’d left to move to France with her new fiancé and wouldn’t be back. He hadn’t reassured me she would call or that she might miss me. He hadn’t explained why I had heard nothing from her on my birthday. And when I had teared up from the feeling of abandonment he had slapped me across the face and told me to grow the fuck up. A man didn’t cry. He was tough and lived his life at his own pace. A woman would always leave you and there would be plenty waiting to take her place.
I had been a child and none of that made sense at the time. The mark left by his hand, however, left an impact. It was the last time I had cried. Even alone at night when I felt as if there was no one who cared. Even knowing that I was unwanted and I had no purpose in life, I didn’t cry. Because deep down I’d wanted to make that bastard proud of me. It had taken much more emotional abuse and neglect to finally destroy that desire. The day he held my son in his arms and told me that real men built their army of sons one woman at a time, I decided I wanted nothing to do with him. He wasn’t anything I strived to be and became everything I fought against becoming.
Trusting anyone enough to love them had been so damn impossible for me that I’d almost lost Beulah. Then when I gave in to what I so clearly wanted and let myself love her, she left me when I need her the most—just like my mother had.
I didn’t blame her. I was the common denominator. I was the one that they so easily ran from. What was it that was so wrong with me that sent them away? What did I lack that made me unworthy of their love? Was I more damaged than I realized? And if Beulah couldn’t love me, if she couldn’t stay, then was I good enough to raise Wills? Would I ruin him even more than my father had ruined me? Or had I become my father and not realized it.
I wanted to hate Beulah for leaving me.
I wanted to curse her name and then forget she existed.
I could do neither. I also couldn’t find some female to fill the emptiness she left behind. Beulah had been special, unique. She’d claimed my fucking heart the moment I saw her which was stupid and na?ve but it’d happened none the less. Yet something in me had turned her away and sent her running.
First, I had to rescue my son. He was innocent and he needed me. No one else did but Wills. And by God I wouldn’t let that boy down. I’d fight until I had no fight left. He’d know I wanted him. He would know he was loved. I’d make sure if I did everything in this world to be everything that he ever needed.
As for Beulah, I’d return to Savannah when I could. She’d stay close because of Heidi. Finding her wouldn’t be impossible. Then I’d make her tell me why she left me. She could tell me why women turned away from me and why she couldn’t love me.
After I knew that, I would let her go. Free her. Move on with my life. But I’d never forget her. I’d always be marked by her. She’d claimed a part of me I wouldn’t get back. And I didn’t want to. And although she didn’t want me and I wasn’t enough, I would be there near her. Never leaving her side completely. Giving me hope there might be a time when I would smile again.
She was a light in a time I thought my world would be forever dark. I saw my life being void of real love until she stole my heart with a glance. Nothing more.
Moving on in life after you have loved a woman like Beulah seemed impossible. Accepting that you would always love her and that she would always be there as a silent part of you, made it easier to keep going. It was all I had left.
I would fight for my son. I wouldn’t let him down. Then I would make a life for us. One where he understood security and love. My memories of Beulah would always be there—she couldn’t take away.
I’d tried twice more to call her phone, but all I got was the voicemail. Finally, around three I got a call from Fiona. She never called me. I knew when her name appeared on my screen this was about Beulah. I stood up and walked out of the conference room that was filled with my team of lawyers and answered the called.
“She left last night,” Fiona said after I said hello. “I thought about calling then but she said some things that kept me from it. I wasn’t going to tell you anything. However, I like Beulah and after thinking about it all day and worrying about her, I decided I’d call you. She’s alone. She’s left town and she’s the most fucking na?ve human on the planet. Are you coming back to get her?”
She was annoyed but there was true concern in her tone. I didn’t like that Beulah had left at night either. Where had she gone? It wasn’t safe for her to be driving around at night alone. “I can’t come back. I have to deal with something here. I didn’t ask her to leave. She ran without saying anything to me.” I said this to Fiona but I was also saying it for my benefit. Reminding myself that I wasn’t available to drop it all and run after her.
“She’s alone out there. I got no fucking sleep because of it,” Fiona snapped.
“I didn’t ask her to leave. She knows what I am dealing with. She knows I can’t leave this. She’s a grown ass woman and I can’t force her to be safe.” Saying the words didn’t make me feel any better. If she was in danger, I’d never move on in life. It would kill me. But what the hell was I supposed to do? Wills was only a child.
“Actions speak louder than words.” Fiona’s annoyed tone only made me angrier.
“I have done all I could to protect her from the first moment I met her. I busted my ass to give her all she needed. Security, a home, and my motherfucking heart. Right now, I have a kid who needs me. One who has no power to take care of himself. I can’t abandon him because a woman has decided to run off and leave behind all the security I provided for her. If she doesn’t want me I can’t force her to.” After saying the words I ended the call. Speaking to Fiona had only made me angrier.
Beulah was out there alone. I didn’t know where she was or why she left. She had to be close by because of Heidi, but Savannah alone at night wasn’t safe either. I tried like hell to shake off the fear. I told myself I didn’t care.