“I learned to sew on a machine. They taught us and it was fun.” Her excitement was contagious.
Another reason I loved it here. It wasn’t just a care facility. They taught Heidi things I never could. They made her feel as if she were capable of so much more than the world let her believe she was.
“You will have to teach me one day,” I told her. “I would love to know how to sew.”
Heidi nodded enthusiastically. “May sewed a skirt. It’s pink and has white hearts. It’s too big for her, but Tammy said that she could wear it.”
Tammy was one of the nurses. And I had no doubt Tammy would wear the skirt proudly. May would be so pleased and the others would be impressed. This place provided Heidi with the family she needed and the kind I couldn’t give her. I was struggling to find my way in the world and now I was going to have to build a life to bring a child into. A life where I could support the child and give it all my mother had given us.
“Heidi, I need to talk to you about something. It’s a secret. Something I can only tell you and no one else can know. Do you understand?” I wasn’t sure this was the way to tell her, but I knew my time was limited. I had to make a move tonight. Talking to Heidi was the only thing I absolutely had to do other than pick my things up from Stone’s.
She nodded and a frown creased her brow. “I can keep a secret. I promise.”
I knew she’d try very hard to never tell what I was about to tell her. But I also knew it was going to be hard for her to accept or understand. Leaving her alone for a while wasn’t something she had ever dealt with. I didn’t know if she could accept what I was going to share with her.
I put my hand on my stomach and looked at her. I thought about how Mom would tell her this. How she would explain to Heidi that I had no other choice. Channeling the woman who had loved us and raised us, I took a deep breath and held her gaze. “Inside my stomach is a baby. It’s growing. And my stomach will get big and the baby will be born. Do you understand that?” I paused to give her a moment to take that in. Digest it. Figure out how that affected her. What it meant for her.
Her eyes grew wide and she nodded slowly. “You’re going to be a mommy.”
Her simple words were so powerful. I was going to be someone’s mother. I was going to be the person they relied on to live. Me. I swallowed the fear clawing at my throat and threatening to stop my oxygen flow.
She didn’t ask who the daddy was. Simply because she had never seen a father in our life. There was no daddy. She didn’t know there was a man required for creating a baby. Instead, she asked, “Is it a boy or girl baby?” The excitement in her voice was evident.
“I don’t know yet. I won’t know for a long time still.” A few months was forever to Heidi. Which was why telling her I had to go away was so hard. I wouldn’t stay away for months at a time. I knew I couldn’t do that to her. But making it back here was going to be hard. Once a month was all I could promise right now. Until I knew more about where I was going to live and work.
“Will I be able to hold it?” She was still wide-eyed with amazement.
“Yes. You’ll be the best aunt in the world.”
She slapped a hand over her mouth as if I had just told her the most fantastic news she’d ever heard. I waited for her to put her thoughts into words. “I’m going to be an aunt?” she whispered as if that was the ultimate secret.
I nodded. “The only aunt this baby will have,” I told her.
We didn’t have aunts. But Heidi knew what they were because she had friends here who had aunts. She had also watched enough television to understand what an aunt was.
“Ohmygod!” she squealed and clapped her hands rapidly while jumping up and down.
Again, I fought back tears. Because as happy as she was now I still hadn’t told her what all this meant for us. How it would change her routine. How I wouldn’t be here as much. How once again, she would have to adjust to change.
She threw her arms around me and hugged me tightly. “I will be the best aunt ever,” she promised.
I had no doubt that she would. I held her to me and closed my eyes tightly fighting back emotion. My entire life I had protected her the best I could. Been there for her, loved her, and worried about her. She’d been my ultimate source of joy. Now, I was going to leave her. Put time and space between us while my first priority became someone new.
“I know you will,” I replied. “But I need to tell you something else. Something that has to happen because of the baby inside me. It won’t be forever, but for a time. It will change things and it won’t be easy. It will make you sad, it will make me sad,” I stopped and studied her a moment. I tried to decide what she understood. Her eyes were wide as she waited for me to tell her more. There was so much trust there. Her world was safe. She didn’t understand the pain, sorrow, or fear that was just outside.
I was so very thankful for that.
“I need to take care of the baby and to do that I have to move to find a new house and a new job. I won’t live close to here. I can’t stay close and take care of the baby. There is someone who doesn’t want me to have this baby. I need to keep the baby safe from them. I will come back once a month and see you. I’ll bring cookies and I will stay the day. It won’t be forever but for a while. Until I can figure out something else. For now, I need to find a place in another town.” I stopped afraid I had said too much. More than she would understand.
She didn’t reply right away. We stood there still holding onto each other but we did it in silence. I watched her expression change and I fought against the urge to say more. Try harder to explain. I knew she needed time to let this sink in and to work through it and figure it out. Hopefully she could accept this huge change.
“Will you and the baby be safe if you leave?” she asked me. Her question in a quiet voice but the sincerity and concern there was heartbreaking. I never wanted to cause Heidi to worry. I wanted her to live in happiness.
“Yes. I will find a place that we will be safe.”
She frowned. “I want you to both be safe.”
I squeezed her tightly in a hug. “I will make sure that we are.”
“Promise?”
“Yes, I promise,” I replied my eyes full of tears and slowly beginning to trickle down my cheeks. “And I will be back here to see you every chance I get.”
“I like pink,” she said.
“I will bring pink cookies and cupcakes,” I assured her.
“No. I like to make pink blankets. I like pink clothes. I want the baby to be a girl.”
A small laugh escaped me, drowning the sadness that was weighing on me. Only Heidi could do that when I was so low. “Maybe it will be. Just for you.”
She didn’t reply right away and I didn’t push for more. This was going smoother than I expected. My heart was breaking. I was so proud of her it was also bursting.