Everything I had left in the world was on the other side of that door. Everything I had left, but nothing I deserved. Questions bombarded my mind: what if they rejected me? What if the only people I loved no longer loved me back? I hadn’t seen them in three years, cut them off without any explanation. What if they couldn’t forgive me for that? What if I was truly on my own? What the fuck would I do then?
Trying to push the fear from my head, my feet kept forging forward, my breathing increasing the closer I got to the house. Everywhere was quiet, only a few birds singing in the high trees surrounding the property. I hated quiet, it made the shitty thoughts constantly in my head too loud.
Reaching the front door, I tried to listen for any signs of life inside, but I couldn’t hear shit. Inside was as silent as it was out here. I wasn’t used to it. I was used to shouting, metal doors clanging, and orders being fired… not this nothingness. Not this unsettling peace.
The sound of my rushing blood thundered in my ears and I lifted my hand to knock. But I couldn’t stop my hand from shaking. I couldn’t fucking stop it shaking. I immediately lowered my head.
I didn’t think I could do it. After all this time… what if they didn’t want me? My eyes squeezed closed. I was such a fucking *!
Clenching my hand into a fist, I took a deep breath, opened my eyes and before I could talk myself out of it, I rapped on the door twice, dropping my hand to wait for an answer.
Too many thoughts were running through my mind as I stood there, feet fixed to ground, trembling like a little fucking girl. Then footsteps sounded on the other side.
Holding my breath, I heard the locks slowly being unlatched and, like time switched to friggin’ slow motion, saw the doorknob turn. My hair covered my face as I tried to calm my nerves, but when a pair of feet came into view, I knew who stood there… right in front of me… finally, after all these years.
“Can I help you?”
I closed my eyes on hearing his familiar voice.
Slowly lifting my head, I saw he was even bigger than I remembered. He was dressed in loose gray sweats and a short-sleeved white t-shirt, dark tattoos covering his exposed arms. I forced myself to look up and meet his eyes and I staggered back. It was like I saw him only yesterday, and with that realization, a ton of gutting memories came flooding into my mind; memories I’d try to block out so they didn’t fucking drown me in guilt.
His dark hair was longer, not too long, but longer than it had been the last time we’d met. Blowing out a long breath, I dragged my hand through my hair, raking it back, showing more of my bearded face…
And then I saw it, the moment it sank in exactly who stood on his doorstep. His brown eyes widened to what seemed unnatural size. He stepped back in shock, his mouth dropping open like he wanted to say something, but no words came out.
“Austin,” I rasped out in greeting, glancing away, feeling the most nervous I had in my entire fucking life. Waiting… just waiting for him to push me away.
Austin gripped the edge of the door, staring at me, until I shifted on my feet and nodded my head. I got the meaning of his silence: I wasn’t welcome.
“Understood,” I said curtly.
I turned to leave just as he stepped forward and whispered, “Axel?”
Austin’s voice was strained, laced with emotion. I froze and reluctantly looked over my shoulder.
“Kid,” I responded and watched as the shock on his now older face melted into the biggest fucking smile I’d ever seen. Austin launched out of the door and threw his arms around my neck.
I’d never been squeezed so tight.
Austin’s trembling hand held the back of my head, crushing me against his body. “Fuck… I can’t… I can’t believe it’s you…” His voice was rough and my throat felt so tight I couldn’t speak. Patting Austin on the back, I expected him to pull away, but when I felt his back shaking too, I knew why he wasn’t. The kid was crying.
And it fucking broke me.
“Fratello, look at me,” I said, fighting back my own tears. As always, my kid brother did as I asked—he always had.
Austin kept his eyes down as he faced me, his hands on my shoulders, but I could see the tears dripping from his eyes. Gripping the back of his head, I pulled him back into my chest, whispering, “I fucking missed you, kid.”
“Lo giuri?” Austin asked shakily, his voice muffled by my shirt.
I huffed a single laugh. “Lo giuro.”
Drawing back, Austin looked me over, shaking his head in disbelief. “How… what… Axe, how the hell are you out? How come you’re here?”
“Good behavior, Aust.”
The pride that flashed over his unshaven cheeks almost undid me. Why he’d always had so much faith in my sorry ass was lost on me.
I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve him… none of it.
Austin flung his arm around my shoulder and said, “I always knew you could do it. Keep your head down and get straight.”
He began leading me into the house and pushed his hand over my long hair. “What the fuck’s up with the long hair and beard? Never known you to have anything but a buzz cut.”
“Don’t know. Just never bothered to cut it.”