Rubbing my hands down my face, I replied, “We… had a… bumpy start. He has… issues too. But lately, things have become more serious between us. I think? I’m not sure. We haven’t really talked about what we are to each other yet. I’ve never had a boyfriend, or… well, whatever we are to one another, before, so I never said anything about it to you. I’m still trying to understand it all myself.”
Since returning from Tennessee, I had met up with Austin every night. Every single night. His momma had just been discharged from hospital, but while she was still here, Austin would visit Chiara and I would have my sessions. Then we would spend a few hours in our garden, holding hands and innocently kissing under the stars.
Austin knew where he could touch me now. We’d found that my collarbone too was a trigger, but Austin simply maneuvered around my problem areas, never making me feel shame or embarrassment about my disorder.
Dr. Lund leaned forward and placed his clipboard on the table beside him, his hands in a steeple as his elbows rested on his knees. “And are you comfortable around him, Lexi?”
Shifting uncomfortably on the seat, I nodded my head. “I am. We’ve done nothing too far, of course. But we’ve kissed some… touched some…”
“And?” Dr. Lund pushed, seeming surprised by how forthcoming I was being.
“It was… difficult at first, you know, because of my triggers, but I told him about my past, and he respects my boundaries. It’s getting easier with him. Day by day, he’s bringing down my walls.”
Dr. Lund suddenly straightened in his seat and I frowned.
“What?” I asked in response to his peculiar reaction.
Dr. Lund regarded me strangely before he asked, “You told him about your past?”
Nodding my head slowly, I answered, “Yes.”
A slow grin spread across Dr. Lund’s face. Dr. Lund had many expressions: stern, concerned, intrigued, but never overtly impressed.
“Lexi, we have been having these sessions for years. In that time, the people who have knowledge of your disorder, the people you have told about your disorder, I can count on one hand: your daddy, momma, Daisy, of course, and me. You have not told your best friends at school, Molly, Cass, and Ally, because…?” Dr. Lund trailed off and waited for me to answer.
Playing with the edge of the sleeve on my shirt, I confessed, “Because I didn’t want them to see me as weak. I didn’t want them to see me as some victim they had to walk on eggshells around. I wanted to go to college and be someone else other than Lexington Hart, anorexic.”
Dr. Lund nodded thoughtfully, like only psychiatrists can. Bringing his steepled-hands to his lips, he asked. “But you told this boy, after only knowing him a couple months. What makes him so different from your friends?”
Shrugging, I kept my focus down. I didn’t want to tell Dr. Lund that I felt a spiritual connection to Austin. I didn’t want to tell Dr. Lund that, sometimes, someone could stumble unannounced into the train wreck that is your life and begin to pull you out of the heavy rubble weighing down on your chest. I didn’t want to share that Austin knew hardship too. That although our respective issues were poles apart in nature, we were kindred spirits in the fight to not let these issues destroy us as people.
Austin was bringing color into my gray scale life.
He was precious to me.
He was my secret, another one I wasn’t willing to share.
“Lexi, you do not have to tell me about him straightaway—it’s a very new stage in your recovery—but I would like you to consider what made this gentleman different from anyone else. I am sure you understand the gravity of your confession to him, and that pleases me.” Dr. Lund sat back in his seat, and I slowly lifted my gaze to meet his. Dr. Lund’s happy expression had turned into one of real concern. “But it worries me too. You’ve put your trust in someone, opened up to someone after years of hiding away behind the dark makeup and clothes.”
“Then what concerns you? I thought you said it was progression?” I asked quietly.
“That this could go one of two ways.”
“I don’t understand?”
“Lexi, this boy could bring you out of your shell, help you with your insecurities, give you a real sense of worth, one that is not measured by a scale. Or he could build you up only to cut you down, and you could find yourself in a darker place than you were only a few short years ago. You have to decide if he is worth the risk.”
I did consider what Dr. Lund was saying, but frankly, over the last few weeks, I’d been falling for Austin so hard that I couldn’t bear the thought of not speaking to him. Austin was the one person I could be my complete self with. There was no fakery, no acting around him; it was just me and him.
Austin is worth the risk.
“Take some time, Lexi. Think it through, and we can discuss it when you are ready.”
Dr. Lund scribbled the last few notes on his clipboard and shut it with a slam. “Time’s up.”