Lexi sucked in a deep breath and exhaled it real slow. Her eyes never opened, but a single tear rolled slowly from under those long black lashes and her hand in mine clenched tight. “Because I can’t stand the girl underneath,” she whispered back.
My heart just about missed a beat at her confession, and I brought her hand to my mouth, kissing at the cold skin.
“Why the tattoos?” Lexi asked, and my eyes snapped up to hers. Turquoise irises were boring into mine, so I said, “Because I can’t bear seeing the scars of my past.”
Lexi’s eyes filled with water and another understanding tear tumbled down her cheek. Leaning forward, I kissed the salty drop away.
And that’s how we fell.
Fell into sleep.
Fell into trust…
Fell for each other.
Chapter Fifteen
Lexi
Dear Daisy,
Weight: 92lbs
Calories: 1200
Last night was the most surreal moment of my life.
I slept all night next to a guy.
Yes, I was fully clothed.
Yes, my makeup was still intact.
But it was progress. I actually made some progress.
And he kissed me. Austin Carillo, the Italian boy from the wrong side of the tracks, kissed me. And it was magical. He made me feel safe and, for one glorious night, he made me feel beautiful.
But the biggest thing of all, Austin managed to silence the voice, to steal away its taunts and, in the process, I think he may have just stolen my heart.
“And the cheerleading, Lexi? How is that affecting your confidence?”
I sat gazing out Dr. Lund’s window at the browning fall leaves dancing in the light breeze as he scribbled on his clipboard—his notes on my recovery.
The incessant scratching of his pencil on the pad of paper was grating on my nerves—scratch, scratch, scratch—branded into my brain.
“The cheerleading is going well, Dr. Lund. It’s my passion. It has always been my passion. When I dance, I feel free.”
“You are dancing on a sharp-edged sword, Lexi. You know it was your trigger back in high school. What if the same thing happens again? What if another boy you like calls you fat in your uniform? Will you be able to handle that kind of criticism? Are you strong enough to handle any jibes directed your way?”
“Yes,” I said sternly, but my stomach rolled in guilt. It was already happening. Not taunts from football players, but from the voice inside.
Come back to me, Lexington. If you come back, if you lose more pounds, you will never fear cheerleading again. You will never have to lie to the squad, like you know you are about to do. You know the cheerleading is beginning to take its toll.
Breathing through the voice’s words, I tried to focus on Dr. Lund’s mundane questions.
“And your personal life? How is that going?” He continued.
“Fine,” I replied and began picking at the chipped black nail polish on my fingernails.
“Any boyfriends? Have you managed to make yourself vulnerable to anyone yet, or is that still an area you are unable to explore?”
My eyes widened in embarrassment and set on Dr. Lund. He sat back, surprised, his dark eyebrows raised.
“That was an interesting reaction, Lexi. Would you care to talk about why that question brought out such a strong response?”
Lowering both hands, I gripped the wooden arms of the chair. “I’ve… I’ve met someone,” I confided as I felt the blush surge over my face.
“And when was this, Lexi?”
“A couple of months ago.”
Dr. Lund’s eyebrows arched once more. “A couple of months ago?”
I nodded my head and watched the disapproval wash across his face. “We have had no less than six sessions within the last eight weeks, and you mention this only now? This makes me worry, Lexi. What are you hiding about this boy?”
I averted my gaze out the window and felt my heart squeeze as I watched two children playing in the play area outside, the little girl trying to pin down the little boy and kiss him. She was brimming with confidence.
I prayed that same little blond girl didn’t grow up to be insecure. That she didn’t count calories religiously before putting a spoonful of food in her mouth, check the nutritional information on packages for the carbs, the sugars, the saturated fat. Didn’t hide her true beauty because she couldn’t stand the sight of her natural face. Didn’t freak out when that same little boy who is showing her so much affection as a six-year-old grows up and wants to kiss her some more… Didn’t grow up to let a throwaway comment from that boy she liked rob her of her childhood and shred her self-esteem.
“Lexi, keep your focus,” Dr. Lund said strictly as he glanced out the window at what had captured my attention.