“I was never a carefree guy, Jess. Never. Not as a kid, not as a teen, and definitely not as an adult—until I met you. You made me forget that I’m supposed to be chained to my work, that I lost my parents, that there’s more to life than working myself into the ground to forget the pain I’ve buried for so long but never really healed from.” His back was to her when he stopped pacing. His broad shoulders rolled forward; he turned slowly, his eyes catching the light from the wall sconce. They were suspiciously damp, shadowed with pain.
“Jamie.” It came out as a whisper. She went to him, circled his neck with her arms and ran her fingers through his thick hair. “My full name is Millicent Jessica Bail-Ayers. I use Millicent Bail professionally.”
His lips curved up and he squeezed her hand. “I wish you had told me that.”
“Didn’t I ever?” She tried to recall every second they’d been together, the things they’d talked about, but her recollections were tangled and fuzzy. Her body wanted to comfort him, hold him, kiss him, help him heal from the loss of his parents, which still plagued him. But her mind was spinning circles about what else he thought she’d lied about, confused about how these types of things could get so convoluted and hurt so badly.
He shook his head. “No. And that shouldn’t have mattered. I should have asked you. I should have dealt with it instead of thinking the worst.”
She took a step back to ground herself for whatever else was yet to come. “What else?”
She watched his Adam’s apple slide up, then down his throat. His hesitation brought her back down to the couch.
“Jamie?”
He knelt before her and placed his hands on the outsides of her thighs. “Jessie. I promised honesty. It would be easier to tell you there was nothing else, but there was. I didn’t know what to believe. Mark was throwing things at me, one after another, when I told him I loved you. Asking how long we had really known each other, where you lived, where you grew up. Jess, I didn’t know even the basic things about you, and it didn’t bother me at all. Then he reminded me about women I’ve dated who have pretended to be something that they weren’t. He’s a jerk, there’s no doubt, but he’s also been my friend. A good friend aside from the asinine things he’s said to women. He’s had my back and saved me from a lot of headaches.” He ran his hands up the outsides of her thighs and fisted them in the fabric by her hips. The strain in his voice mirrored that in his face and arms. “Jess, I’m not making excuses, for him or for me. I’m just doing a lousy job of explaining.”
“I’m still confused, Jamie. I’m sorry. What on earth did you think I lied about?”
“Jessie, I’ve been lied to by men and women.”
“Jamie. Just tell me.” She was breathing harder now.
He closed his eyes, and when he opened them he met her gaze and held it. “I didn’t know what to believe about any of it. Where you lived, what you did for a living…how many men you’d slept with.”
JAMIE FELT HER body go rigid. No. No, no, no. He had to make her understand before he lost her forever.
“Jess, I…there was so much going on in my head, and things were so messed up. You were crying, I kicked a naked woman out of Mark’s room, clocked him and left him bleeding.”
Jamie never knew so many things could happen in the space of two breaths. Jessica’s eyes went from confused, to appalled, to angry, to distraught. Her face fell flat, her lips drew south, and he felt her slipping away. She leaned back and turned her head, her eyes cold and distant.
“Jessie, please. I knew you didn’t lie. In my heart I didn’t think you were playing me, but—”
“But the doubt was there.” Her voice was a thin thread. “You weren’t sure if you could believe me after I opened my heart to you. Opened my soul and my body, Jamie.” Her voice shook. “I know for other women it’s easy to open themselves up to men, to let them touch their most intimate parts and to reciprocate.” She turned toward him, looking battered and bruised from the inside out.
“Jessie, I’m sorry. I didn’t—”
“Please,” she whispered. Tears streamed down her cheeks, each one dragging his heart deeper into darkness. “What hurts the most is that it was easy to open up to you. To you, Jamie, because I trusted you.”
Trusted.
“Jess, you can trust me. It was a momentary doubt. I called you that night and wanted to talk about it, but you never called back. I looked for your address online, but there was no Jessica Ayers listed anywhere. I didn’t know what to do. You weren’t listed with the BSO, so I didn’t think I’d find you there. Mark gave me an envelope with what I’m sure is everything anyone could ever want to know about you, and I never opened it. I have no intention of opening it, but you need to know it exists.” This time it was him drawing in a hampered breath. “And then…I couldn’t take it anymore and I had to see for myself. I called Kurt’s brother, and he arranged for me to get tickets for tonight’s concert. But the nightmare at my office ran late, and by the time I got there it was over.”
Her expression had gone blank.
“None of that matters. You trusted me, and I doubted your honesty.” He touched her fisted hands. He loved her hands. They were delicate yet strong, and so very loving when she touched him. It struck him that he might never feel her hands on him again, and it was all he could do to pry himself from her and rise to his feet, feeling defeated by his own stupidity.
“I understand, Jess, but I didn’t want to keep anything from you. I wanted you to know where my head was and why. I’ll drive you home.”
He extended his hand. When she placed her fingers in his, he felt his chest tighten again.
“Jamie?” she said softly.
“Yeah, babe?” He couldn’t look at her. It hurt too much to see the disappointment written all over her unhappy face.
“Would you mind if I stayed with you tonight?”
He tried not to hold on to the thread of hope that trailed behind her question, but it was so hard not to.
“Would I mind? Jess, you can stay with me for the rest of your nights.”
“I just…” She looked away, touched her lips with her hand. “I’m not ready to walk away.”
He exhaled a sigh of relief. “Tell me what you want, Jess.” He forced his voice to remain even, not too hopeful or smothering, as he sank onto the couch beside her.
“I don’t know, exactly.” She touched his leg. “The only thing I know for sure is that you were as honest with me as a person can be, and even if you didn’t trust me”—she sucked in another uneven breath—“I…My feelings for you are still here.” She covered her heart with her hand. “And I don’t know if I’m supposed to try to ignore them, which is really, really painful.” Tears slid down her cheeks again.
Jamie couldn’t help reaching over and wiping the tears he’d caused.
“I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do, because I’ve never been down this road before, but I’m not sure I really care what I’m supposed to do. I can’t even think about walking out that door, Jamie. I walked away when I left the Cape, and I thought that was the most difficult thing I’d ever done in my life. But then, just when I was sure it was some big sign about us not being meant for each other, you showed up at the Hall.” She tightened her grip on his leg.