“Well…I guess I just knew. I’m not sure how I knew, but everything just fell into place in our lives. It was like once we met, we knew, I guess.”
Jessica could tell by the way he laughed that he was uncomfortable with the question.
“I couldn’t think of anything other than her, believe it or not,” he explained. “I know you’ll find that hard to believe, given how stoic your mother can be, but to me, she’s everything. That doesn’t help you much, but I guess I’m not very good at these things.”
She sighed. “I don’t find it hard to believe. I just…I think we were big distractions to each other’s work. I’m not sure it would have worked out with my career anyway.”
The truth was, she was a distraction. A big one. So was he, but he was the most welcome distraction she’d ever encountered. She closed her laptop, crossed her arms over it, and rested her head on them. With her eyes closed, she could recall his touch as he brushed her hair from her shoulders or pressed his cheek to hers, the way he’d stolen her breath the first time they’d made love, and the guilt in his eyes when he’d realized that he was only the second man she’d ever been intimate with. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She’d found what she was sure was her father’s baseball and she’d fallen in love. Two things she’d never imagined she had a hope of accomplishing. Then she’d gone and somehow lost both.
“Sweetheart, if he didn’t think you were worth the distraction, then he’s not the man for you. Every love is a distraction. That’s what makes it so special.”
“Maybe not,” she agreed. Then why did it feel so right to be with Jamie, and why did it hurt so badly to lose him? If he wasn’t worth the energy, how could anything else be? Including the cello? There wasn’t any lingering doubt about who Jamie was or why he loved her. How could that be so wrong?
Because he doesn’t love me. How could he? He never came back.
Maybe her mother was right, and everything outside of being an excellent cellist was not worth the energy. Maybe she’d just needed a good dose of reality to slap her into realizing how lucky she was to hold her position with the orchestra. With every tear that fell, she weighed her thoughts, and not one of them took hold.
“I think I’d better go, Dad.”
“Jessica, honey, if you’re this torn up over him, maybe you should talk to him. Tell him how you feel.” He lowered his voice, and it sounded as if he was walking as he spoke. “Honey, some things are more important than being the best cellist. But if you tell your mother I said so, I’ll deny it until the cows come home.”
She heard the smile in his voice.
“Okay.” She wiped her tears.
“I’d do anything for your mother, and you know that, but, Jessica, you don’t have to. You have choices in your life. I know you’ve put your all into your career, and you’ve done a darn good job of it. Whether or not you make the Chamber Players doesn’t matter. Don’t put that pressure on yourself, and I’m sorry if I did.”
Don’t put that pressure on myself? A spot with the Chamber Players is what everyone strives for. Her mother had ingrained that in her mind since she first started playing with the symphony. “You deserve to let yourself be happy. There are ways to have both, you know. Your career and a relationship. Your mother and I did it.”
She couldn’t stop a laugh from slipping out. “No, you did it. She does whatever she pleases and you conform.”
“Okay, maybe to some degree, but that’s what relationships are. Compromises. I love you, honey, and if you want to talk any more, just call me. But at least think about talking to this man if you think he’s worth it.”
“Okay. Thanks, Dad.” Now more than ever she wished she’d found that baseball for him.
After they ended the call, she once again debated calling Jamie, and after a few minutes, she decided against it. There was only one way to distract herself from her heartache. She took out her cello and began to play.
She jumped when her phone rang twenty minutes later.
Amy.
She debated not answering, but the thought of losing the friends she’d made in addition to losing Jamie was too painful.
“Hello?”
“Hi, hon. It’s Amy. I was just thinking about you and wondering how you were doing.”
Jessica wasn’t sure how much to confess to Amy. She was, after all, Jamie’s friend first, and she knew how close he and the girls were. She decided to be a little vague.
“I’m okay, thanks, Amy. How’s the Cape?” She missed having breakfast with the girls. She missed talking to them and listening to them share advice and give each other a hard time. She never even got to go chunky-dunking.
“It’s quiet without you and Jamie here. But you know, it’s the Cape, so it’s still amazing.”
“Jamie’s not there? I thought he was there for the summer.” He left? His business must be in trouble. I must have been a worse distraction than I thought.
“He went back to handle whatever was going on at work.”
“So he’s here. In Boston?” Her pulse quickened, even though there was no reason for it. Boston was a big city, and it wasn’t like he was there to see her, but still, somehow knowing he was in the same city set a slew of butterflies loose in her belly.
“Yeah. I guess. He left the day after you did. I wish you’d come back. Do you think you can make it up for a weekend? You said you rented the apartment for the whole summer, right?”
Jessica heard the hope in her voice and knew it was genuine. “I don’t know. My schedule with the orchestra is really busy, but even if I could, I think it would hurt too much.”
“Oh, hon. Have you talked to Jamie yet?”
“No. I can’t. It’ll just hurt more. I know it’s over. I just…I can’t believe it. And being there, where we fell in love…”
Amy gasped. “Jamie told you he loved you?”
She couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. It felt good to have someone to talk to, to get it out of her system. “Yes. Right before he left to see Mark and never came back.”
“Well, Mark’s a big turd. I’ve known Jamie since he was a little boy, and as far as I know, he’s never been in love before, so that has to mean something. Don’t give up hope.”
I already have. “Yeah, it means he either didn’t mean it, or that he realized I really was too much of a distraction to be worth it.”
“Want me and the girls to come visit you for a night? You’re only two hours away.”
She couldn’t imagine trying to maintain a brave face in front of the girls, and they were Jamie’s friends first. She was so confused. Even though Amy was reaching out, what if she came between the girls and Jamie? She’d never forgive herself.
“No, thank you. I mean, I’d love to see you, but I don’t want to put you guys out. Besides, with my schedule, I don’t know when I could spend time with you.”
“Well, if you change your mind, let me know. And, Jessica, even if you’re not with Jamie, you’re welcome here. We all miss you.”