Jamie,
Thank you for showing me what it was like to live and to love. Being with you was the best feeling I’ve ever experienced. Not just when we were intimate, but walking through the flea market, lying on the beach, just being near you. Vera’s a lovely woman, and she’s raised a wonderful man. I’ll miss you both so much that it hurts. I never knew I was capable of being so happy, but then again, I never had the chance to know you. I’ll cherish the memories of our time together forever, and I’ll never love another man as I love you. Yes, I fell in love with you, Jamie, and I’m not sorry for that. I do wish I could have told you to your face, but this is probably best. It’s amazing to me that two people can feel so close so fast, but I’ve lived a sheltered life, so maybe you’ve experienced this type of connection many times before and I’m alone in my wonder. In any case, I understand how much of a distraction I was, and I hope I didn’t cause you too much trouble. Please don’t be too angry with Mark. He obviously cares very deeply for you. Take care of Vera. She’s everything I always wished I had with my own mother, and more. Warmest wishes for your success and happiness.
—Jess
He sank to one of the chairs on the deck. His throat swelled with emotion as he reread the note in fits and spurts a few more times. I fell in love with you, Jamie… Don’t be too angry with Mark…Take care of Vera. He breathed deeply. Warmest wishes…She’d climbed back into the prim and proper cocoon she was so afraid of, and it broke his heart.
Don’t be too angry with Mark. That was so Jessica, always thinking of others before herself. He was angry with Mark, and he was angry with himself, and now with Jessica for leaving a horrible note to say goodbye.
He turned the paper over in his hands and read it again, his heart aching with every word. It wasn’t a horrible note. It was a very thoughtful, precisely written goodbye.
He jumped to his feet and flew past Vera.
“Where are you going?” Vera grabbed the arm of the couch and leaned forward.
Jamie heard hope in her voice. “Errand. I’ll be back.”
He sped down Route 6. Jessica couldn’t have gotten far. He called her cell as he drove—the call went to voicemail, and he contemplated leaving a message. Call me. Let’s talk. But he ended the call without leaving anything more than a few seconds of dead air.
“Let’s talk? What am I going to say?” He shook his head. “Hey, I didn’t see your name in the Boston Symphony Orchestra listing of musicians? There’s no record of Jessica Ayers at Juilliard? What am I doing? I’m talking to myself in my stupid car.”
He pulled into the next parking lot, knowing he’d never say any of those things to her, because he felt guilty even thinking them. And if he saw her in person, he’d want to kiss her, to hold her, to hear her tell him she loved him and look at him like he was all she ever wanted or needed again. He wouldn’t have the heart to say a single thing other than how much he loved her. If he did that, if he allowed himself to soak her goodness up, even for only a few minutes, and he found out it was all a lie, a game, a play for a successful boyfriend, he’d never recover.
Ever.
Chapter Nineteen
“JAMIE, ARE YOU sure this is what you want to do?” Vera stood in the doorway of his bedroom in the cottage as he packed his things the next morning. “You can’t just bury your feelings in work, no matter how easy that is.”
He met her worried gaze, then zipped his suitcase closed. “I’m not burying my feelings. I’m going back to work to handle the issue that Mark uncovered. I should have been there days ago.”
“Sounds to me like Mark came here to uncover issues.”
His muscles constricted. He gritted his teeth while he tried to calm the anger that had been gnawing at his gut ever since yesterday, when he’d found out Jessica had left. He’d held out hope that maybe his doubts were wrong until he’d broken down and called her—only to be met with her voicemail. Fifteen hours later she still hadn’t returned his call. His feelings were so tangled that he didn’t know if he was coming or going. Was she avoiding his calls because she knew he’d discovered she’d lied to him, or was it something else altogether? Had he hurt her too badly by not being there for her and leaving her in limbo while he tried to drown his doubts in ocean views, pretending he could cast them away with each rolling wave?
He picked up his suitcase and set it on the floor beside Vera. “I don’t know, Gram. I can’t figure out if his coming here was a blessing or a terrible mistake. I usually know what’s right and wrong, and this time…” He twisted the ring Jessica had given him, unable to convince himself to take it off.
Vera took his hand in hers. “That’s because this time it isn’t about right and wrong. This time it’s not about code or computers or puzzle pieces that fit into nice little niches and make sense. This time, Jamie, it’s about your heart. You’re not supposed to understand it, but it’s a good thing you’re feeling something. You’ve got a big heart. Heaven knows you do. You take care of me so well, Jamie. Now take care of you.”
He nodded, not sure he knew what taking care of himself even meant anymore.
“I’ll come back next weekend. I just need to get this work thing under control.” And hopefully get in control of myself again.
“I’ll be fine, sweetheart. If I need anything, Bella, Kurt, and the others will take care of me.” She hugged him and stroked his back, as she’d done when he was a little boy.
He kissed her cheek. “Okay. I love you.”
“I know you do. I love you, too, dear.”
Jamie reached for the door.
“Jamie.”
He turned around. “What is it, Gram?”