“No, but child endangerment is,” Damien went on. “You’re lucky you weren’t charged after taking the Boys and Girls Club of America skydiving or those poor kids from Make-A-Wish to the shooting range.”
“We’re also aware you were caught trespassing,” Jim added. “Someone filmed you climbing an elephant statue at the La Brea Tar Pits naked while screaming ‘I’m the king of the mammoths.’ You have no idea how much damage control the network publicists went into to keep it off the Internet.”
Cash giggled. “You’ve got to admit, that was pretty legendary,” he said. “By the way, could I get a copy of that? I lost my phone that night and it might show where I dropped it.”
His request was denied with passive-aggressive silence.
“I believe you’ve entered a downward spiral of selfishness, stupidity, and self-destruction,” Damien said. “You’re ruining your reputation and jeopardizing the viewership of the show in the process. Even though we’re not currently filming, you are still a representative of this network, this studio, and my production company—”
Damien recited the rant like a Shakespearean soliloquy, but Cash’s eyes drifted away from him. His attention was completely captivated by Amy, who had started taking selfies with her phone. Cash couldn’t think of anything more inappropriate to do in the middle of an intervention—it was like ordering a pizza in the middle of a funeral. Then again, he wasn’t surprised. Amy’s narcissism had always fascinated him.
Once when they were on set, Cash accidentally saw inside Amy’s photo album when he confused her phone for his. Every picture was a different selfie with the same exact pose and her favorite expression—sultry surprise. He scrolled for miles but never found a single picture of friends or family—it was all just Amy. Sometimes he worried Amy wasn’t actually Amy at all, but Amy’s stalker wearing a suit made out of her skin.
“Cash, are you even listening to me?” Damien asked, and leaned forward to take a closer look at him. “Wait, are you stoned?”
“Not enough for this conversation,” Cash muttered under his breath.
This got a serious rise out of his coworkers, especially Tobey Ramous, who was so annoyed he threw his phone aside.
“This is going nowhere!” Tobey said. “He doesn’t give a shit about anything we’re telling him. I’m supposed to be back in Los Angeles tonight for a night shoot. How much longer is this going to take?”
Tobey (or Roids McRage, as Cash called him behind his back) was referring to the set of Moth-Man, the multi-million-dollar comic book movie he was starring in. He had bulked up so much for the part, and so quickly, it was a miracle he could tie his own shoes. Moth-Man was an opportunity every actor dreams of and Tobey was using his entire hiatus from Wiz Kids to shoot it. Still, Cash found it very ironic that Tobey spent eighty hours a week dressed as a giant insect yet somehow thought his time was more valuable than anyone else’s.
“Allow me to wrap things up,” Cash said. “I understand my behavior has raised a few eyebrows, but after nine seasons of playing by the rules, always saying and doing the right thing and never rocking the boat, I think I’ve earned the right to have a little fun. Come on, guys, I’ve been doing this show since I was twelve years old. You’re only young once—I just want to be young while I still can.”
If the looks being exchanged were any indication, there wasn’t an ounce of sympathy for him. No one gave a fuck about his desire to be young.
“Unfortunately, your definition of youth is a breach of contract,” one of the male executives said. “You and your representation agreed to the studio’s morality clause when you were hired, and then again during renegotiations in the sixth season. If your behavior doesn’t change, we’ll be forced to take legal action.”
It was a very serious threat, but instead of trembling where he sat, Cash only laughed.
“You can only sue me if I’m still under contract,” he said. “And at the rate I’m going, I doubt you’ll be employing me much longer.”
“So that’s what this is really all about?” Amy said. “You’re trying to get yourself fired? That’s pathetic!”
“Dude, you’re a fucking idiot,” Tobey said. “If you get fired from the show you’ll never work again and the fans will hate you!”
Cash was overwhelmed by the love and support coming from his costars. They were nailing this whole intervention thing. He was totally inspired to change his ways so their lives would be easier.
“Everyone, calm down,” Jim said. “No one is getting fired. We’re here to help Cash, not scold him or accuse him of anything.”