I gripped the gun hard as we started back for the cabin. We walked in silence as the wind kicked up and dried the sweat off the back of my neck. I could tell Whitney knew something was wrong but I was trying to conceal it as best as I could.
There was a massive part of me that wanted to talk about it with her but there was another part of me that kept telling me I hardly knew this woman.
“Everything okay, Liam?” she asked.
“Yeah,” I said. “I’m just worried about the weakness in your arms. If you dropped that gun after shooting it, someone could’ve gotten hurt.”
I reached for the cabin door but I felt her hand come up and rest on my forearm.
“Are you sure?”
Her eyes were prodding me and I almost caved. I almost scooped her up into my arms and spilled everything to her. About the deployment. About the capture. About how much of a coward I really was.
But, instead, I nodded my head and plastered a smile on my face.
“Yep, sure am,” I said.
She sighed, resigning herself to my answer before we both walked back in. I made sure the gun was empty before I put the safety on. Then I walked it back into my room and placed it in my closet. Whitney made her way over to the dryer and started tugging clothes out, folding them and putting them on my bed before she made her way out into the living room.
Only this time, the silence was uncomfortable and I cursed myself for ruining what was supposed to be a perfect day.
CHAPTER 20
WHITNEY
I knew something was wrong and it had to do with the guns. It had to do with those nightmares and his Navy days. I knew it was all connected. I just had no idea how. His Purple Heart. The gunshots bothering him. The nightmare he had that night. Something had happened to him during his time in the military. Something terrible that had forever imprinted itself onto his mind.
I wanted him to know he could talk to me if he wanted. I wanted him to know that I wouldn’t judge him for anything that might’ve happened. Anything he felt he might’ve done or anything that might’ve been done to him.
But the only way I knew to make him comfortable about opening up was by opening up myself.
I stood in the kitchen in nothing but his flannel shirt and some socks as I cooked dinner. Rice and beans was a simple dinner I’d learned to make from my grandmother at a young age. She always knew how to do it right. A little bit of butter, cayenne pepper, and red pepper flakes went into the rice to cook as she soaked and boiled the beans with six strips of bacon. By the time dinner was done, the smells rolling around in the kitchen were making me salivate.
“Liam?” I asked.
“Yeah?”
“Want some toast to go with dinner?” I asked. “There isn’t really anything that has a crunch.”
“Sounds good to me.”
I could tell he was still far away, off in his mind and losing himself in his thoughts. I threw some bread into a little toaster oven he had sitting on the counter. Then, I started setting the table.
And all the while, Liam was simply staring into the fire.
“I don’t know where my parents are,” I said.
I heard the couch creak and, as I looked out the window, I could see his reflection on the couch, staring at me.
I had his attention and I could feel my hands already beginning to shake.
“They left me with my best friend Gwen and her family when I was in high school,” I said.
“Why?” he asked.
I drew a deep breath through my nose before I settled myself into the story of my childhood.
“I had a wonderful childhood,” I said. “We weren’t well-off by any means but we got by. My father taught me how to be frugal. How to rub two quarters together and make a dollar. Gwen always teases me about how cheap I can sometimes be.”
I allowed a small giggle to leave my lips before I felt tears brewing behind my eyes.
“But then my father lost his job and it was hard. We tried everything we could to pay our rent but, eventually, we found ourselves on the street.”
I heard Liam get up off the couch and slowly walk his way toward me.
“It was hard,” I said. “I was just starting high school and sleeping in a homeless shelter. Mom was begging on the streets for money while Dad was applying for every job he could possibly find.”
I felt the heat of Liam’s body at my back as I started scooping up rice and beans into the bowls I’d found.
“Eventually, I broke down to Gwen about what was happening and her family took us in. It was the most gracious thing anyone had ever done for me but I knew it could only be temporary. Her parents were well-off but supporting another family is hard.”
“I can’t even imagine,” he said.
“Dad kept applying for all these jobs. Any job he could find, anywhere in the country. He applied in Florida and the Dakotas. He applied to jobs in California and Texas. Anywhere that had an opening for anything he felt he was qualified to do, he applied.”
I felt Liam’s hand come up to my waist but I stepped out from underneath his touch and took the bowls to the small kitchen table.
“Could you grab us some glasses of tea?” I asked breathlessly.
“Sure,” he said.
I could feel his eyes on me and I suddenly felt exposed. I was worried about what he would think of me now. Would he look at me with pity? This wasn’t how today was supposed to go. This was my last day with him and all I’d wanted was to be in his presence and drink him up as much as I could.
Before I had to leave and let him go.
I sat down at the table while Liam brought our glasses and it wasn’t until he sat in front of me that I felt like I could continue.
“My father finally got a call back from a job and started the interview process. My mother was so excited for him. But it was a world away. The Dakotas, to be exact. And it made me angry.”
I drew in a deep breath before my mouth began to run away from me.
“It spurred all these yelling matches. Dad took the job and Mom was calling me ungrateful. I kept telling them I wanted to stay with my friends. That I didn’t want to move with them. The arguments got ugly and we all said things I knew we’d regret. In the end, Gwen’s parents suggested I stay with them and finish out my high school years. I was practically bouncing off the walls with happiness. At first, my parents turned it down but, eventually, they caved and I lived with Gwen and her family until we graduated.”
“What happened to your family, Whitney?”
I closed my eyes and drew in a shaky breath before I grabbed my spoon and started playing with my food.
“I don’t know. I just… never heard from them. I was so wrapped up in high school and being a teenager and hanging out with my best friend that it never really occurred to me that they never called. I heard from them when they arrived safely and that was it.”
“They just… didn’t contact you?” Liam asked
“It’s insane, right? I didn’t even realize how insane it was until I began law school. The only thing I can really come up with is that they felt guilty.”
“For what?” he asked.
“For not being able to provide for me the life they felt Gwen’s family could. Maybe they didn’t come soaring back into my life because they felt Gwen’s family could somehow give me something they couldn’t. Like a mother giving her child up for adoption because she knows she can’t take care of it or something like that.”
I finally took a small bite of the food in front of me but, somehow, it didn’t quite taste right. I felt like every single one of my senses were dulling. Liam’s voice seemed far away and it felt like my feet were floating off the floor. We sat in silence as I choked back my tears and, eventually, Liam was the one that broke the silence.
“I’m so sorry, Whitney.”
“It is what it is,” I said.
“I couldn’t imagine doing that to my own child,” he said. “I never would.”
“I just keep telling myself it’s what they thought was best for whatever reason. Have you ever done something fucked up because you thought it was for all the right reasons?”
I watched him freeze and I immediately regretted my words.