As I slid underneath the car I was working on, my mind rushed back to Cindy. I wondered how she was doing and if her Wednesday was off to a decent start. I wondered if she had gotten Lily off to school okay and if the two of them had a decent night. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I couldn't stop picturing her in my head and feeling her lips against my neck with her curves pressed against my body.
Guilt flooded my gut. How the hell could I be thinking about another woman this way? My wife and son were murdered because of my negligence, and here I was acting like it didn’t fucking happen. I was pulling some unassuming woman and her daughter into my poisonous web, expecting things to turn out fine. I was becoming selfish again. My ego was getting the best of me, and I was discarding my reality in favor of some bullshit picture I thought I was painting for myself. It was going to get them killed.
Just like Cary and Kason.
I didn’t want that for Cindy and Lily. I wanted better for them. I wanted Cindy to be happy, and I wanted Lily to keep being the carefree child she was. I wanted Lily to grow up and find happiness, fall in love, and go to college. I wanted Cindy to have her dreams, and I wanted her to find her soulmate. She was a wonderful woman and a fabulous mother, and she deserved those kinds of things she couldn’t have with me.
I was putting them in danger. I knew someone was watching us, and I had proof someone had been in my fucking house. My past was too close, and it was going to get them killed. I was allowing my selfish whims and wants as a man to overshadow what I was doing in this damn town in the first place.
And the guilt continued to eat me alive.
Daniel hadn’t called me back with any information, and it was starting to make me nervous. On the one hand, he could be chasing down leads he’d already found. On the other hand, he could be in trouble and on the run himself. I was a taboo person to get caught up with, and even though Daniel wanted me to assimilate into society, there was a reason I kept people at arm’s length. It kept them safe from harm, and it kept them alive. The longer I could lurk in the shadows, the better off everyone was.
The wrench in my hand slipped and came down on my nose. I grimaced in pain as I slid out from underneath the car. I held my bleeding nose as I made my way to the bathroom and slammed the door behind me. Turning on the faucet, I watched as the blood dripped into the sink.
Yet more blood spilling because of my slipups.
I closed my eyes and saw my family, Kason running in the backyard and Cary with her arms wrapped around my waist. I could feel her there. I could feel her warmth pressing into my back. I splashed some water on my face as I let my nose drain into the sink, the grease and the blood swirling down the drain.
I could hear Kason’s giggle echoing off the corners of my mind as I cleaned myself up.
I didn’t know what to do at this point. I couldn’t concentrate at work, and when I tried to call Daniel on my lunch break, he didn’t pick up. I was backed up in cars and cutting myself open in all sorts of places. I was attracting attention when I didn’t need to be, and I was thankful when Kevin finally sent me home early.
I needed some time to myself.
I went home and tried calling Daniel again, but it shot me to voicemail. I threw my phone on the bed and took a long shower, staying in there until the water ran cold. I drew in a deep breath as I dried myself off, my eyes scanning the backyard from my window in the bedroom.
I couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching me, and I knew my paranoia was getting the best of me.
But deep inside, I also knew I wasn’t paranoid.
There was a reason why I couldn't get Daniel on the phone.
A knock at my front door sent me on high alert. At least, until I heard Cindy call my name through it. I pulled on a pair of sweatpants and tossed my towel onto my bed before I strode for my front door. I opened it up and saw her standing there with her beautiful hair pulled back and her twinkling eyes staring straight into my chest.
I saw her neck flush, and it filled me with a sense of pride.
“Hey there, Graham.”
“Cindy.”
“I was, um …”
I grinned down at her as she shook her head and lifted her gaze to mine.
“You were?” I asked.
“Wondering what you were doing for dinner tonight,” she said.
“I figured I’d order a pizza,” I said.
“How do you feel about another home-cooked meal?”
“Are you making lasagna again?”
“Nope. Trying my hand at chicken pot pie this time, but I can already tell I made way too much,” she said.
“Then consider me a guinea pig,” I said.
“Perfect. The pie should be out of the oven in the next few minutes. Come over anytime you want,” she said.
Being in her presence calmed the voices in my mind. I closed the door and walked into my room, getting changed into some jeans and a button-down shirt. I smoothed my hair back and made sure my fingernails were clear of any grease. Then, I headed over to her house.
I was excited to be spending more time with them even though I knew I should be staying as far away as possible. I just couldn’t seem to keep myself from them though and the conflicting emotions were slowly driving me mad.
I helped Cindy set the table as Lily bounced around in her seat. Her dainty little curls were bouncing around everywhere as she rattled on about her day at school, about friends and coloring and learning how to read words. She kept spelling things like plate and milk and pie. Cindy was beaming with pride like a proud mother should during moments like this, and the way she looked at her daughter tugged at something in my chest.
“What did you do today, Graham?” Lily asked.
“Well, I went to work. Worked on some cars. Busted my nose,” I said.
“Wait, you did what?” Cindy asked.
“It’s not a big deal. A wrench fell on my face.”
“Mommy’s phone does that too,” Lily said.
“Let me see. Turn to me, Graham,” Cindy said.
“I promise, it’s fine. Not the first time I’ve been hurt working on a car, and it won’t be the last,” I said.
“Do you do other things? Besides cars?” Lily asked.
“Like hobbies?” I asked.
“Graham, are you sure you’re okay?” Cindy asked.
I reached out and wrapped my hand around hers, drawing her eyes down to our connection.
“I promise you. I’m okay, Cindy.”
I watched her turn her hand over, reveling in how her small fingers wrapped around mine.
“Yeah, like hobbies. I like swimming. And eating,” Lily said.
“Eating’s a good hobby,” I said. “I do a lot of that.”
“Me too. Do you eat macaroni?” Lily asked.
“Only if it’s got cheese on it,” I said.
“And ice cream?” she asked.
“Always ice cream.”
“What about peanut butter and jelly?”
“Yes, but I prefer strawberry jam,” I said.
“Ew. That’s gross, Graham.”
I chuckled at Lily as Cindy served up our plates. We passed things around and enjoyed dinner together as I continued to field Lily’s questions. She was very talkative and curious. She wanted to know all sorts of things about me. Where I was from. If I had a mommy and daddy. What my favorite color was. Cindy kept trying to quiet her down, but I reassured her it was all right.
There was something soothing about talking to a child. There was an innocence in their eyes I’d lost a long time ago.
“Do you like movies?” Lily asked.
“Who doesn’t?” I asked.
“Wanna watch one with us?” Lily asked.
“There’s a movie after dinner?” I asked.
“News to me, but you’re more than welcome to stay if you want to,” Cindy asked.
“Then, I’d love to. Is there popcorn involved?”
The three of us piled on the couch with a huge bowl of popcorn as Cinderella popped up on the screen. Lily kept reciting her favorite lines as she shoveled popcorn into her mouth, and I kept stealing glances at Cindy. It felt nice to be sitting with both of them on the couch with Cindy tucked underneath my arm and Lily between my legs. I’d had that once before with my own family.