“How?” I asked.
“Because you know what to write,” Emily said. “You have two children who lost their mother, Sean. You’ve watched the pain and fear and heartache wreck their lives. You, more than anyone, have a unique perspective. If you can just let everything else go and focus on them, on Tommy and Sarah, then you’ll be fine.”
I nodded and glanced down at my desk. My notebook was still lying open to my outline page. As I held Emily, I reread the outline and slowly shook my head. It all seemed wrong now. Emily was right. I knew exactly what to write. I just had to access that part of myself and focus on it. My mind was so full of fear and regret that I couldn’t even find a place to begin. As I sat there, I pictured Tommy and Sarah on the day of Telissa’s funeral. They were both so small that day, so young and na?ve.
“When Telissa died,” I said softly. “Sarah kept asking me when she would be alive again. No matter how many times I tried to explain death to her, she just didn’t understand.”
“I’m sure a lot of kids feel that way,” Emily said.
“Tommy didn’t,” I said. “He understood almost too well. It was like he just shut down after it happened. He barely spoke or ate unless I forced him. For months, he was like a zombie. I found myself wishing he would share Sarah’s hope, if just for one day.”
“That’s understandable,” Emily said. Her voice was soft as she ran her fingers through my hair again.
I sighed. “You’re right,” I said. “I just need to focus on them. Tommy and Sarah are the reason I’m doing this. They are my inspiration.”
Emily smiled and kissed me gently. She ran her thumb down my cheek once and then kissed me again, lingering just a second longer than normal. When she pulled away, the smile was still in place on her face. Without a word, she stood up and left me alone to work.
She closed the door behind her, shutting out the world and the noise. I sighed and turned to face my computer. It was brightly lit and mocking me with its blank screen, so I closed it with a snap. As I picked up my pen, I remembered Emily’s advice and smiled to myself.
My eyes immediately fell on the picture I kept on my desk of Telissa holding both Tommy and Sarah in her arms. She was already sick when the picture was taken, a colorful scarf tied around her bald head. It wasn’t Telissa that drew me to the picture, though, it was my kids. They were both smiling at the camera with big wide grins that were bright and happy. Neither of them knew what was going to happen in just a few short weeks. They didn’t know this would be the last picture they ever took with their mom.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX - EMILY
The next morning, Sean as in a better mood. He had spent most of the night writing in his study. He seemed to be moving along nicely now, and I couldn’t help but feel like I’d had a hand in it
The night before, his writer’s block had been killing him, and I flipped back and forth between wanting to help and leaving him alone and just going to bed. When I finally went in to talk to him, I was glad I did. It was obvious he needed to talk through his fears with someone. He appeared on Thursday morning, emerging from his room with a wide, easy smile on his face. As I made breakfast, he stole a kiss when the kids weren’t looking. I giggled softly and finished cooking, bringing the plates and utensils to the table.
We all sat down together, ate breakfast, and talked happily about our plans. Tommy and Sarah both wanted to go on another adventure, but I wanted to stay close to the house today. If Sean needed another pep talk, I would be around to give it to him.
“What about the mall?” Sarah asked hopefully. “Do they even have a mall here?”
I laughed. “Not in town. But there’s one a couple towns over.”
“Is it far?” Sarah asked.
“No.” I shook my head. “But we probably won’t go today.”
“Why not?” Sarah asked, poking her bottom lip out in her signature pout.
“Because we went out yesterday,” I said simply. “Let’s stay around the house today. We can play in the backyard and build a fort upstairs.”
“Yeah!” Tommy said, his eyes lighting up with excitement.
“I want to go to the mall,” Sarah said, her eyes dark. She was glaring at me with her arms crossed over her chest. I’d seen her behave this way toward Sean, but never to me. I cleared my throat and set down my fork, ready for a fight.
“I said no,” I told her firmly. “We’ll go to the mall another day.”
“When?” Sarah asked.
“Probably before school starts,” I said. “So we can get you new clothes.”
“That’s weeks away!” Sarah whined and stomped her foot under the table.
I opened my mouth to chastise her, but Sean but his hand over mine to silence me. He looked at Sarah sharply and cleared his throat. When she looked at him, her eyes grew darker and more determined than ever.
“Emily told you no,” Sean said with authority. “If you can’t accept that answer, you’ll spend the rest of the day in your room.”
Sarah’s arms tightened over her chest, and she glared daggers at her father. When her eyes returned to my face, I could tell she wanted me to give in. She thought she had a better chance of getting me to cave than Sean, but she was wrong. I’d spent too much time around children to give in to their demands. Silently, I shook my head.
“This sucks!” Sarah screamed as loud as she could.
She jumped out of her chair and stormed into the living room. She marched all the way to the staircase and then stomped her way up to her room. We all heard her door slam loudly.
I sighed and pushed my chair out, ready to go talk her down. Sean caught my eyes and shook his head.
“She needs to learn,” he said. “Leave her be.”
I opened my mouth to argue, but I quickly snapped it closed again. Sean was Sarah’s father, and I had to do things his way. But as we sat at the table, we began to hear loud thuds coming from upstairs.
“She’s throwing things,” Tommy said wisely. He took a bite of his toast and shrugged. “She does that when she’s really mad.”
With a glance at Sean, I pushed out my chair and stood up. I was halfway to the stairs when I felt his hand on my arm.
“Emily, leave her be,” Sean said firmly. “She’ll calm down.”
“She’s five,” I said softly, so Tommy wouldn’t hear. “Are you sure you want to let her rage like that? I can talk to her.”
“Leave her be,” he said again.
His eyes were set, and I knew there was no use arguing. I didn’t agree, but I didn’t have to. If this was how he wanted to deal with Sarah’s outburst, then that was that. I sighed and nodded, my shoulders slumping slightly.
“I just think I can help her,” I said.
“I’m sure you can,” Sean said, nodding in agreement. “Just not right now.”
“Okay,” I finally conceded.
Sean smiled and glanced behind him to make sure Tommy wasn’t paying attention. He leaned down and kissed me swiftly before he disappeared into his study. I sighed and returned to the table. Tommy finished eating, and I washed the dishes quickly. Sarah was still locked away in her room, throwing things around and screaming occasionally.
It took everything inside me not to march up the stairs and let her have it, but I knew Sean didn’t want that. He’d made his wishes clear, and I wasn’t in the position to challenge him, despite the fact that I wanted to.
When I was done cleaning the kitchen, Tommy and I headed upstairs to build a fort. We started in his room and made it so big that it extended all through the hall and into my room. By then Sarah had quieted down so I knocked on her door. When she poked her head out, her eyes flew wide at the sight of the fort.
Excited, she ran out to join us. Her attitude was gone, and in its place, was the sweet little girl I’d grown to know. Still, I didn’t want her to think it was okay to throw fits. While she played with Tommy, I watched silently and thought of a way to help her see why her actions were unacceptable. Everything I thought of would have upset Sean, so I stayed quiet and vowed to talk to him about it later.