Baz nervously tapped a fist into his opposite palm while he watched me approach. The second I got close enough, he hauled me up for a tight hug, his fists winding in my shirt at my back.
His words were gruff where he promised them at my ear, “I don’t even fucking know what to say, Zee. Sorry doesn’t seem right, but after everything that went down over the last couple of days, I am. I know you’ve got to be hurtin’. Just know, whatever you need, we’re here. Me. The guys. The girls. Our families are yours. Same way as they’ve always been.”
I clutched him. “Thank you, brother. You don’t know what that means to me.”
Twice, he clapped my back in encouragement. “Always.”
He stepped back, and I stood there, trying to gather myself before I forced myself to head for the front door.
Clicking the latch, I gave it a little nudge. The door swung open wide, my heart in my throat when I stepped inside. My eyes went directly to where he was on his belly on the living room floor, playing a game with Kallie and Brendon, his face upturned toward the ceiling.
And he was laughing.
Laughing this free laugh that pummeled me. Life and grief and gratefulness.
Fingertips brushed my arm, and I glanced to the side. Shea gave me a tender smile, pure understanding, lacking any doubt or blame.
And I couldn’t hesitate anymore. I was moving across the floor, sweeping Liam into my arms, and hugging him against my chest.
“Daddy!” he cried through a laugh, winding his thin arms around my neck. “You wanna play with us? We’re having so much fun.”
I buried my face in his shoulder, clinging to him—for dear life. And I wasn’t ever going to let him go.
I pulled the blanket up higher over his shoulders, my breaths shallow as I looked down at where Liam slept in my bed in my loft. I ran my fingers through the soft locks of his light brown hair, listening to the choppy rise and fall of his breaths as he succumbed to sleep.
My son.
Night poured in through the windows, the stars hidden and secluded.
Muted.
Like his grief.
Telling him about his mother was the single most difficult thing I’d ever had to do. He’d withdrawn inside himself, his sobs restrained and jerky, his face buried in my shirt as I rocked him for hours in the silence that had only been broken by my promises.
That I loved him.
That I would never leave him again.
That it was just him and me.
When he’d finally drifted off, I’d carried him upstairs, knowing I wanted to be right there for him in case he woke in the middle of the night.
I stared down at the innocence of his precious face and made a thousand new silent vows.
I will protect you. I will live for you. I will die for you.
The truth was, they’d always been there before. But I got them now.
I finally understood what sacrifice really meant.
Birds chirped where they rustled through the trees, the air calm and the sky blue.
Which seemed damned ridiculous considering the storm that billowed and blew within me. It was an ache that pounded through my body and stabbed at my spirit.
Standing on her porch, I struggled for a breath. For resolve. To remember why I was doing what I was doing.
I’d always known giving into the need I had for this girl was going to destroy me.
That it was reckless.
Just asking for trouble.
I guess I’d expected repercussions.
A fallout.
I’d just never truly bargained on everything crumbling. For Liam’s world to shatter.
It was time I built him a new foundation.
Pulling in a steadying breath, I knocked softly at her door, my hands twisting into apprehensive fists when I heard the movement on the other side. I could almost picture her inside, moving barefoot across the floor, hoisting up on her toes to look through the peephole.
I didn’t want to imagine the things she might be thinking when she discovered it was me.
Metal ground against metal as the lock was twisted, and the door creaked open a fraction.
I’d thought I was prepared. That I’d told myself enough lies that I could handle seeing Alexis standing in her doorway, wearing that same pink outfit she’d been wearing the first time I’d come over, white hair piled in a wild twist high on the top of her head.
But it was her eyes that nearly knocked me to my knees. A collision of sea and sky. A squall of torment and relief.
“Zee,” she whispered desperately.
She’d tried to call me several times over the last couple of days, and I’d been nothing but a coward, texting her back lame excuse after lame excuse that I was taking care of some things that needed to be handled, and I would get in touch with her soon.
Two days had passed since I’d told Liam the news. I’d spent every second with him, trying to get him to open up, letting him know it was okay to cry and be mad and scared. That it was okay for him to ask questions.
This morning when he’d asked when he would get to go play with Kallie and Brendon again, I’d called Shea and asked if it was okay if I dropped him off for an hour or two.
Because this…
This needed to be done.
“You should come inside,” she murmured as she stepped back so she could open the door wider.
My chin trembled. “Awful brave.”
Heartache shivered across her features as I took her back to that moment a month ago when I’d shown up. When I realized I couldn’t stay away. To the moment when it’d felt like we were embarking on something magical.
Because with Alexis?
That was what it was.
Magic.
But only fools believed in magic.
I could feel her nerves rippling through the room as I stepped inside her house. Energy flamed in the space between us. Coming alive the way it always did. Stretching out its fingers, begging me to erase the distance.
My spirit recognized her.
Recognized us.
I got the feeling that was a flame that would never die.
“Would you like some tea?” Her wary voice hit me.
Pulling in a breath, I slowly turned around to face her. “No, Alexis. I’m sorry, but I won’t be staying that long.”
Her eyes pinched closed. Like it might hide the brutal anguish that filled them. But I was pretty sure I saw this girl better than I’d ever seen anyone in my life.
Slowly, she blinked them open. “What are you saying?”
Regret ticked my jaw, and I forced out the words. “I’m saying what I’ve been saying all along. What I told you again and again. That in the end, I would fuck everything up. That since the moment I met you, I was doing things I couldn’t do. Disregarding the things I needed to protect most. Just like I told you I would.”
She held her arms protectively against her chest. “You blame me for what happened? For what happened to Liam’s mom?”
I couldn’t stop myself. I surged forward and gripped her unforgettable face in my hands. “No.” My tone was harsh, demanding that she understand. “Never. But it’s time I finally do what’s right.”
I released her like the contact burned and forced myself to put some distance between us, turning away so I didn’t have to look at her face when I made the admission. “Liam is mine.”