Like maybe he was rubbing at a genie in a bottle.
Making a few wishes so he could set everything right. A solution that worked to the benefit of everyone so each of us could walk out of this room and all those goals and aspirations and loyalties would be set straight.
Problem was, I wasn’t sure that any of my crew knew what those loyalties were anymore.
Everything had become convoluted.
Confused.
Those dedications and fidelities had all of a sudden taken a sharp turn, shifting all the focus to a new end game.
“Fuck…you guys don’t know how messed up I am over this. Making this decision. Know it leaves you all hanging, scrambling to find a replacement.”
“Now you know what that shit feels like.” Even though Lyrik’s words were hard, there was no resentment. “Letting your crew down and knowing there isn’t another choice in the world you can make.”
Apparently, he’d had time to cool down since we’d left the hospital two days ago.
Ash shook his head, regretfully staring at his hands that he continuously rubbed together. “Funny how I was the one who hounded you for months until you gave in. Look what that got you. My fault, too.”
I hadn’t been a part of Sunder in those days. It was nearly ten years ago when Lyrik had tried to leave the band with the intention of leaving the lifestyle behind—the drugs and the parties and the women—so he could focus on what was right.
But I’d been close enough to all of them to get the gist of the tragedy Lyrik had suffered. The loss that had come at the cost of his mistakes.
Had been around to witness the aftermath.
I’d also been there to witness his resurrection.
The man had come back to life the moment Tamar had stepped into his.
Lyrik sighed heavily. “It was shit, man, those days. Everything falling apart. But you know damn well these circumstances are different. We’ve fought through the bullshit and made something out of it. Found something good. Both with the music and with our families.”
Austin sat forward. “Doesn’t make any of this easier, though, does it?”
Baz kneaded his fingers into his thigh, knee bouncing a million miles a minute. “I know I don’t have the right to say much in the matter, considering I was the one who bailed first. Only thing I can do is offer advice. My own experiences now that I can look back.”
Meaningfully, Ash looked at him. “You regret it? Stepping back? Leaving the stage that you love?”
Point blank, Baz stared back. “How could I ever regret a single second spent with my family?”
Ash nodded, knowing he’d be looking back in a few years and thinking the same exact thing.
Anthony was behind his desk, attention bouncing around between everyone, unsettled and uneasy. But just like he always had been, I knew he was there to have the band’s back. Ready to step up and fight for whatever was right for us.
I just didn’t know how the fuck that included me.
Austin cleared his throat. “I haven’t been an official member of Sunder for all that long, but I’ve felt like it…all those years living with you guys.” His lips pursed. “I don’t know how all of us can keep going like this. Leaving our families behind. Gets harder every time, and now that there are kids involved...”
Lyrik nodded in agreement. “I know, man.”
Austin rubbed the back of his neck. “Know too well that life is a gift. That we don’t know how many days we’re going to be granted. And the time I spend, I want it to count. I want it to matter.”
“Think it’s safe to say we all do,” Baz agreed softly.
Austin blinked. “I fucking love bein’ on that stage. Playing for our fans. Being a part of something bigger than the rest of us. But Edie and Sadie matter more, and I don’t want to waste the time I’m given with them.”
Lyrik yanked at his hair, agitation burning through his body. “Crazy thing is, this band brought all those amazing things into our lives. Wouldn’t have met Tamar if it hadn’t been for this band. If it hadn’t been for the fact that Anthony sent us out to Savannah to lie low while the dust blew over for Baz after the trouble he got himself into out here in LA.”
“And I wouldn’t have met Willow,” Ash added thoughtfully.
Austin laughed under his breath, glancing over at Ash. “And I definitely wouldn’t have had the chance to go sneaking into your sister’s room if she hadn’t come to spend the summer with us.”
Ash pointed at him. “Hey, asshole, I still haven’t forgiven you for that.”
Austin’s brow lifted. “Really?”
Ash laughed. “Nah, not really. Would’ve kicked your ass at the time, but there isn’t any doubt in my mind now that some things are just meant to be.”
Meant to be.
Those words tightened my chest and threatened to take hold.
Disbelief filled Baz’s chuckle. “Funny how things just work out, yeah? At the time we think everything is fallin’ to ruin, only to find out in the end we’d been diverted exactly to the place we were supposed to go.”
Lyrik nodded. “Yeah, but what about the music, man? Music’s in my blood. Just don’t know how to let that go.”
Austin hefted a shoulder. “Who said we have to let it go? Maybe we just do it on our terms.”
Everyone nodded while that emotion knotted in my throat.
Anthony glanced around. “So, what’s this mean?”
Lyrik looked over at him. “Means we do everything how we want. I say we do the show here. End this where we started it. Axe the rest of the tour. Make music when it fits and do some shows around that. But our families always, always come first.”
“You assholes are lucky I started the label and I’m gonna let you out of your contract.” Baz was all teasing grins.
Everyone laughed while Anthony tapped the back of his pen against his planner. “You guys are certain this is the direction you want to go?”
All of them agreed. Everyone except for me. Because I’d given up my life for this.
For a promise.
My penalty.
My penance.
And now I had a debt I didn’t know how to repay.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Alexis
The doorbell rang three times in quick succession. Surprised, I rushed for it and hiked up on my toes to peek through the peephole. I sucked in a quick breath when I saw him waiting for me on the other side.
I quickly worked through the lock and opened the door.
He pushed in the second it was unlatched, his big hands on my body as he tugged me against him. He didn’t hesitate, his mouth capturing mine.
Desperate.
Hungry.
Impatient.
My fingers sank into his shoulders, trying to make a connection, to break through the haze. Pulling back, I latched on to the confusion in that bronze gaze. “What’s wrong?”
Those arms tightened around me. “Tour is cancelled, all except for the show here. Guys say we’re gonna do things on our own terms.”