“I’m not strong,” I whispered. “I’m a mess.”
He didn’t say anything. Instead, he leaned in toward me and put his lips on my own, kissing me until my entire body warmed and finally relaxed. When he stopped, he rested his forehead against mine. “Weren’t you listening?” he asked, glancing toward the coffee table. “Messy is kind of my thing.”
? ? ?
We were married seven months later, in late September, at Randy’s house. It was a small ceremony, with only the clinic’s employees and Evan’s coworkers in attendance. I wore a fitted, simple white sheath and held a bouquet of pale pink roses, and Evan had on a pair of black slacks and a button-down that matched the flowers. Trixie and Scout sat next to us as we stood in front of the fireplace, and we laughingly referred to my girl as the mutt of honor and Scout as Evan’s best dog. Randy and Lisa served as our witnesses. During the reception, as soon as the music started and after Evan and I had our first dance, Randy approached and asked if he could have the pleasure of the second.
“You’ve come such a long way,” he said as we moved across their enormous deck. One end was covered in four round tables where people were eating and the other was empty to leave room to dance. It was a gorgeous, sunny fall day—the sky was a striking shade of blue and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. The trees that lined Randy and Lisa’s backyard were a wild mix of gold, red, and green—a treasure trove of jewel tones. “It’s been a pleasure to watch you come into your own.”
“Stop it,” I said. “You’re going to ruin my makeup.” I looked over to where Evan stood holding a beer as he chatted with a few friends from work. His smile was wide and his eyes were filled with the kind of love I still couldn’t believe was meant for me.
Since that night when Trixie had run off, when I opened my soul to Evan and let all the pain in my life bleed out in front of him, I’d grown to feel lighter, more capable of moving around in the world without fearing I was, at any moment, about to fall apart. Evan saw who I was—he saw everything about me, good and bad—and loved me, still. And I saw everything about him. Because he understood what I’d gone through in letting go of my girls, knowing it would be too agonizing for me to revisit that loss as I would if I had another baby, it was easier for him to confess that he’d never really wanted children of his own. Like me, he was content with his work, happy to lavish his affections upon his dog, and now, me. Before I’d moved in with him in June, he had a huge parcel of the land around the house fenced in so I’d never have to worry about Trixie disappearing. Neither one of us was perfect, but we seemed to be perfect for each other.
“You picked a good one,” Randy said, watching this silent, loving moment transpire between Evan and me. “We’re so happy for you.”
“Thank you,” I said, standing up on my tiptoes so I could kiss his pink cheek. “For everything. I wouldn’t be here without you.”
“Aw, I just gave you a nudge in the right direction. You’re the one who’s done all the work.” He paused, looking pensive. “As a matter of fact, I’ve been thinking—”
“Uh-oh,” I said, fondly.
“No,” he said, laughing. “This is actually one of my better ideas. Now that you’ve got your bachelor’s, I think you should consider getting your doctorate. You already have more than enough undergraduate work credit hours. Someday Lisa’s going to make me retire, and I’m going to want to sell my practice to someone I trust.”
“Are you serious?” I’d been toying with the idea of going back to school to become an actual, accredited veterinary doctor instead of just a trainer and technician, but wasn’t sure if I could handle the intense course work on top of having to work full-time. I also wasn’t sure I could afford the tuition. But now that Evan and I were sharing expenses, it was possible I could make it happen.
“Of course,” Randy said, spinning me around, “I can’t think of anyone better suited for the job.”
We continued to dance then, both of us quiet, as I considered how lucky I was that Myer had chosen me to meet with Randy in the prison’s community room those many years before. Maybe I could learn to be okay without knowing what happened to my girls. I could continue writing them letters, even knowing they would never be read. Brooke and Natalie were the only people missing from this special day, and I couldn’t help but feel an all-too familiar ache in my chest when I thought about them.
But then it struck me that if I hadn’t let go of my children, I might not have the life I had now. I might not have found Evan. Maybe that decision, however heart-wrenching, was meant to be made. To shift the course of my life and put me right here, exactly where I belonged.
Brooke