“I don’t know,” Natalie said, carefully. “It kind of makes sense. We sort of sprang ourselves on her. Did you notice how shaky she was?”
“We were all shaky,” Brooke said. She stared out the passenger side window. “But she hardly answered our questions before she bolted. She didn’t ask us a damn thing about ourselves.”
“I think it was too much for her,” Natalie said. “She could barely speak when we were out on their deck. Maybe seeing us . . . getting to know us . . . would be too painful. A constant reminder of the things she felt like she did wrong.” This wasn’t about them, Natalie tried to convince herself. It was about Jennifer.
“She did do things wrong,” Brooke said, and Natalie felt her sister’s eyes on her. “She went to prison for them.”
“Right,” Natalie said. “And then she changed her life. She’s done a lot of good, too. For other inmates, and for herself. She’s built a successful career and what looks like a happy marriage. Maybe she’s worried if she let us in, she’d lose all of that. Maybe she’s just not wired to handle it.” She realized that in saying all of this to Brooke, she was attempting to convince herself of it, too.
“Maybe,” Brooke conceded. “But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.”
“I know,” Natalie said. “I had expectations, too. I wanted her to leap up and hug us. I wanted a mushy, emotional reunion. The kind you used to see on Oprah.” Brooke gave her the shadow of a smile, and then Natalie continued. “But we saw her, right? We did what we said we needed to. Everything that happened after that was out of our control. She can’t be who we want her to be, just because we want it. She is who she is. And we have to respect whatever boundaries she sets.”
Brooke frowned at her. “How are you being so rational right now? I feel like shit.”
Natalie thought a moment before answering, keeping her eyes on the road ahead of them. “Probably because I don’t remember her the way you do. It’s easier for me to stay objective.”
“I don’t really remember much about her,” Brooke said, softly. “Not specifically.” She shrugged. “What I remember is the feeling of her. Of having her with me. And then . . . not.”
Natalie reached over and squeezed Brooke’s hand, knowing that no words could ever fully heal the loss her sister had suffered the day their mother decided to let them go. She took the Stewart Street exit off I-5 in order to drop Brooke at her apartment on Capitol Hill.
“You all right?” Natalie asked as she pulled up in front of Brooke’s building. “Want me to come in?” It was almost eight thirty, and Kyle had likely already put the kids to bed, so Natalie didn’t need to hurry home.
Brooke shook her head. “I’m okay.” She paused, as though she were reconsidering her statement. “Sad, but okay.”
“I’m sad, too. I wish things had turned out differently. For all of us.”
“I’m glad we went together, though.” Brooke gave Natalie a grim smile. “I might have really gone off on her if you hadn’t dragged me out of there.”
“You’re welcome,” Natalie said.
Brooke laughed and put her hand on the door handle. “Talk with you tomorrow?”
“You bet,” Natalie said, watching to make sure her sister was safely inside the building before she drove around the block and headed back toward the freeway. She wondered if it was too late for her to stop by and see her parents. She’d called her mother earlier in the day to let her know that she and Brooke planned to drive up to Mt. Vernon.
“We just want to talk with her,” Natalie had said. “To understand why she gave us up.”
“Okay,” her mother replied, quietly. “Will you at least let me know when you get home? And if you’re okay?”
“Of course,” Natalie promised, so now, using the voice commands on her cell phone’s headset, Natalie called the landline at her parents’ house. Her father picked up after only two rings. “Hey, Dad,” she said. “Is it okay if I come by? Or are you guys about to turn in?”
“I haven’t gone to bed before eleven in forty years,” her dad said with an awkward laugh, and Natalie knew that her mother had told him who Natalie had gone to see. “Of course you can come.”
Ten minutes later, Natalie parked in their driveway, where she texted Kyle and told him where she was, and that she’d fill him in on everything that had happened as soon as she got home. He quickly texted back, “Are you all right?” and Natalie answered, “Yes,” even though she wasn’t sure this was the truth. She’d remained oddly calm as the situation with Jennifer unfolded, but now, there was a buzzing ache inside her chest, and the tips of her nerves felt raw and exposed.