You don’t know who I am, but I like to think you had an idea of me. My name’s Cooper Hepburn, the husband to Peyton Hepburn and father to our child, Callum Stuart Hepburn. I’ve been meaning to write this for a while, but when Peyton got pregnant, my focus was on her and getting ready to welcome our son into our lives.
I feel like I know you. I’ve heard enough stories to know I would have liked you… Actually, that’s probably a lie. I would have respected you, but I think if I had met you, I would have hated you. At the time, you had my wife’s heart. And that would have killed me. You still have a place in her heart, and that’s something I would never want to have. Her love for you will be something I can never try to claim.
I want to say that we’ve had the easiest of loves, but I would be lying. We’ve had an adventure, and adventures come with a lot of complications and a lot of successes. Peyton claims that I’m perfect, but I’m far from it. I try my best to be for her. But I want to tell you the two worst days of my life. They were the times I thought I had lost her. I will never forget those days.
The first day was when we were dating. I didn’t know of you very well then. I was still trying my best to get her to trust me. It was the day after we’d first been intimate. She had cried, and I hated myself for making the woman I love cry. I didn’t understand why she had cried. I didn’t know. Peyton made me leave and she didn’t talk to me for almost a week. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I stormed to her house and demanded to know what I had done. She wouldn’t answer me, and that’s when I yelled at her. It was the first and last time I ever yelled at her. From the top of my lungs, I screamed, “You’d rather me dead and Callum alive, don’t you? You hate that I’m alive and he’s dead! You hate that you slept with me. You wish it were him and not me! Well guess what, Peyton? He’s dead! And right now, the way you look at me, I’d rather I were the dead one. Maybe you’d love me more.”
I’m not proud of those words. I’ll always regret saying them. Peyton didn’t speak to me for three weeks. I deserved it. I had accused her of not loving me because I wasn’t dead. I was scared to lose her, but I had said everything that ensured that I would. I was jealous of you. I have never been jealous of anyone until I was of you, Callum. I wanted Peyton to love me. I wanted Peyton’s heart. I believed there wasn’t room for her to love me after you. I had planned to work the last few months off my contract and return to the suburbs. But I needed to leave quickly. I wasn’t needed in town anymore. It was the night before I was going to leave when Peyton was at my door, crying. She apologised, saying that she was being selfish and that she should have told me. Graham had told her of my plans of leaving. She begged me not to go. She begged me to listen to her. When I agreed, she said only three words, and they were ‘I love you.’
I have no explanation for how I felt when I heard those three words. But I think you know what it’s like to be loved by Peyton Spencer. When I confessed that I loved her, too, she cried and kissed me. That night, she told me everything about you. She told me that she’d cried because she’d realised she felt guilty for loving me more than she loved you. That, in some way, she felt like she was cheating on you by loving me. I had never felt like more of an asshole than those weeks of my life. I almost lost Peyton and I didn’t want that to have ever happen again.
The second worst day of my life was when our son was born. It’s a terrible thing for a father to say, but just listen. You’ll understand. Peyton went into labour and we rushed to the hospital. Everything went to plan until after my son screamed and Peyton’s hand fell from mine. Our son was too big to be born naturally and a Caesarean was performed. Peyton didn’t even see him before her eyes shut. She was haemorrhaging and losing a lot of blood. The helpless feeling of knowing my wife was about to die was surreal. I had never felt so lost in my life. In that moment, I was blessed with a beautiful son, but I was close to losing the love of my life.
I also knew what it must have been like in the last moments of your life. I felt like I was you, Callum. I didn’t know how to say goodbye. I didn’t want to believe what was happening. I thought of my life without Peyton and it was impossible. I was scared. The jealously I held for you disappeared and every self-doubt I had left me. The only thing that mattered in my life was ensuring my son grew up with his mother by his side. Peyton doesn’t know why I named my son after you. Why? Because while the doctor was trying to save her, she called out your name and reached out in the direction the nurse had taken our son. I wasn’t envious or jealous that she hadn’t called out for me. Peyton had named our son and I was proud.