“I did. The boys, too. After I gave the horse water.”
Time passed in a funny way around her. Maybe she had talked to the campers. Maybe she’d spent time with Hannah. I’d been the one standing in the same spot, watching her. Time could be slow like that with her, and then sometimes it went by in flashes. Sometimes I just wanted it to stop and others, I wished it’d go by faster.
“We should head back,” she said. “There’s a group after us.”
I wasn’t sure if it was the altitude or what. My head wasn’t clear. All I could think was that I’d spent twenty-four hours on a lake, underneath clear, endless skies, and yet I’d still never seen a blue the shade of her eyes. I was sure the image of her looking up at me this way would be burned into my brain for as long as I walked this Earth.
“Manning?”
“Yeah.” I tore my gaze away. “Get on.”
“I want to drive.”
Half an hour ago, she could barely bring herself to get near the horse. Maybe she didn’t need me after all. “By yourself?”
“No, with you.”
I nodded. “You get on first.”
“Will you help?”
“You can do it,” I said.
“I know. I want your help.”
I ran a hand through my hair. The other instructors were helping campers on the horses. How was this different? I had no reason to feel weird. Lake was Tiffany’s little sister.
She stuck her foot in the stirrup and looked back at me, waiting.
As I took Lake by the waist and put her in the saddle, I tried not to notice how her shirt rode up. “All set?” I asked one of the handlers.
“Got the back?” he replied.
“Yeah.”
One by one, the group lined up to head back for the campsite. I grabbed the knob at the front of the saddle, right between Lake’s legs, and pulled myself up behind her. She slid back into the “V” my thighs made, the two of us fitting together like puzzle pieces. I took the reins and waited until everyone had gone ahead of us. I could’ve rested my chin on Lake’s head, or closed my arms around her and engulfed her completely. Her hair smelled like sweet summer strawberries, as if she washed it in the produce section of a fucking supermarket.
Distracted, I pulled on the reins without meaning to, and Betsy stopped.
“What’s wrong?” Lake asked.
“Nothing.” I squeezed Betsy’s middle to get her to go again. I tried to remember how Tiffany smelled. Nothing came to mind except that she smoked cigarettes and chewed a lot of minty gum.
“I’m ready to try,” Lake said.
My head was still foggy, my ears buzzing. I didn’t want Lake to take over while I was out of sorts. Maddy had died around the same age as these girls surrounding me. I was responsible for them. Should I be doing more to keep them safe? Things I hadn’t done for Madison? The day she’d died, it wasn’t the first time my dad had gone into a rage. So why hadn’t my mom or I had him locked up sooner? Why hadn’t I been gentler, more understanding with Maddy?
“Manning?” Lake asked.
“In a minute.”
“But we’re falling behind.”
The rest of the campers were yards ahead, so I tapped Betsy into a trot. Lake bounced underneath me, skidding backward in the saddle until she was right up against my crotch. Up until this point, as a grown man, I’d thought I could control myself. Even earlier, when she’d squeezed me as tightly as a predator would its prey, her hands dangerously low on my stomach, I’d kept it together. But now, my body reacted only as a man. I wanted to wrap my arms around her front, pull her closer, let her feel what she did to me. I was losing control.
“Take the reins, Lake.” I slowed Betsy down and said, “Now. Come on.”
She did, and I slid back to put some space between us.
“I’m not going to the dining hall tonight,” I announced.
“What?” Her fine blonde hairs floated between us and stuck to my chest. “Why not?”
I guess I’d said it to put it out there. To put a different kind of distance between us. Because I knew, I knew she’d ask why. How much had she heard the night before in the woods? Tiffany and I had been arguing because I’d refused, yet again, to go on a “walk” with her. She didn’t want to walk. She wanted to fool around.
“I came here for you,” Tiffany had said once Lake’d gone off with that kid. “You think I like this?” she’d asked. “The girls hate me. I’m here for you, and you don’t even care.”
“I care,” I’d said.
Tiffany had stamped out her cigarette in the woods without a thought for how dangerous that might be. “Then prove it,” she’d said and walked off.
I’d needed to hear it. Being up here, rules changed. There wasn’t anything wrong with hanging around a sixteen-year-old, and it was messing with my head. Tiffany was out of her element, and she needed my help. Lake could handle herself. Maybe it was the wakeup call Lake and I both needed.