“…awesome, okay, I’m about to make my way to the pancake aisle. No blueberries. Tell Ryke I said hi. See you when you get back.”
When we hang up, I remember all my theories about friendships. Somehow, someway—I managed to keep this special one close, despite distance and years of time.
This one survived.
*
“Look, Winona.” I point towards the giraffe habitat as we approach the wooden fence. With each step, I try to tie the rope necklace around Ryke’s wrist. It’s too small to fit anywhere else for him, mine is more like a choker.
Winona sprints elatedly to the fence, her hood falling backwards. Sulli jogs after her sister.
Ryke uses his teeth to loosen the knot on the bracelet, finally secure and not too tight. He has the bag of stuffed animals crammed in his backpack. Simon the sea turtle for Winona and then she picked out three others for her best friends and a dolphin for Sulli.
I’ve never been to the zoo without crowds. Without so much congestion and people. The pavement is barren of bodies, the exhibits more visible from farther away. It’s not this sight that swells inside of me.
It’s the sound.
Birds chirping, lions roaring. Hooves and paws pounding the earth. The human noises we make never overpower the song of nature, and I could shut my eyes and just listen all day.
I catch Ryke staring down at me for an extended moment. “What?”
“You look really fucking happy.” His eyes nearly glass.
“I really am.” I can say it with certainty. With utmost ease. I’m almost so happy I could scream. I playfully bite his arm, and he kisses the top of my head.
When we reach Winona and Sulli at the fence, our teeny tiny giraffe tries to climb up and over the fence and into the habitat.
Ryke pries her off and sets her on her feet. “That’s fucking dangerous.”
Winona gapes. “But…but how do we see the animals?”
Sulli makes a wincing noise. “This is about to go pretty bad,” she whispers to me before hopping up on the bench. She sits on top and absorbs the peaceful surroundings—while Winona swings her head from side to side like we’ve brought her to the wrong place.
I wondered if she understood what a zoo was, but I just didn’t think it needed an explanation other than it’s where you see all the animals.
Ryke glances over his shoulder at me. I know that look. It’s the one that says, I can’t think of the right fucking words. I need you, Dais.
I’ve never been needed, not before Ryke either. I’ve never been wanted or truly loved in the way that I know I deserve to be loved.
I’m quick.
Next to Ryke, I bend down to Winona’s height. “You see the animals right there.” I point through the slats of the wooden fence. Two giraffes amble across dry bush and sandy dirt.
Winona clutches the rungs and sticks her head through. Metal fence also separates wildlife from us, and every ounce of excitement she had starts plummeting like an anchor sinking in an ocean.
I look up at Ryke as he runs his hand through his thick hair, putting his baseball cap back on. He outstretches an arm. “We should’ve taken her to a fucking petting zoo.”
“I don’t know…” I’m not sure it’s just about Winona wanting to touch the animals.
Ryke squats beside me, his hand hovering on Winona’s back in case she decides to fit her body through the fence. She’s completely silent, not facing us.
With Ryke really close, I whisper, “She never mentioned touching animals, just seeing them.”
“Maybe she was fucking confused.”
It’s possible. I rest my cheek on his arm while we wait for her to turn around. “Guess what?”
“What?”
“We made a baby giraffe.”
The start of his smile slowly dies as Winona finally spins. Tears drip down her soft cheeks and slide along her delicate nose.
My lungs bind. Whenever one of our girls cries, Ryke’s muscles tense, his brows scrunch, and he edges an inch closer as though to say I’m fucking here for you.
“Shh, it’s okay.” I wipe her tears with the corner of my shirt.
“How do the giraffes leave?” Winona asks tearfully. I watch Ryke watch me for a moment, both of us understanding why she’s upset. The fences. The exhibits. Not because they keep her out, but because they keep the animals in.
Ryke shakes his head at our daughter. “They don’t want to fucking leave.”
“But what if they do? What if they want to roam the whole wide world but they’re stuck?”
“What if they’re all happy and they never want to leave?” I ask Winona.
“But they’re not free!” she sobs, voice cracking.
I instantly pull Winona to my chest, and she wraps her arms around me. I lift her up and stand at the same moment as Ryke. I whisper in Winona’s ear, “There are millions of animals all over this great big world, and the ones in the zoo are loved by people. These people even rescue them, nurture them, and protect them. This may be their home for now or for later, but they’re safe here.”
Winona sniffs. “They’re safe?”
“Very, very safe.”
Winona nods, still tearful, but she stares out at the scenery more like Sulli did. Ryke distracts Winona by taking out her stuffed sea turtle.
She hugs Simon like she’s protecting him from the zoo’s fences.
Sulli hops off the bench. “Can we see the monkeys before we leave?”
“Sure thing,” I say.
Bethany left us with a map, so we find our way around the zoo alone. It’s easier for Ryke to carry Winona, so he props her on his side with only one hand. She rests her cheek on his arm, a little mopey and downtrodden.
In time, she’ll feel better, so we don’t push and prod and try to yank a smile out of Winona. I walk backwards with Sulli, our smiles rising, and Ryke directs us which way to go.
“Fucking right,” he says.
“Not fucking left?” I tease—then I accidentally trip over my own feet.
Ryke catches my wrist, keeping me upright, and his brows rise as my smile appears.
“So you didn’t say fucking down then?”
Ryke eats me alive with his gaze.
“You’re in L-O-V-E,” Sulli singsongs, still walking backwards, the monkey and ape exhibits in sight.
His arm slides across my shoulders, and I clutch his hand that drapes down. “Did you hear, we’re in L-O-V-E?” I ask him. “What will my husband say?”
Ryke almost smiles. “That he’s in fucking L-O-V-E with you too.”
“My husband would’ve said it just like that.”
He pushes my cheek lightly with the same hand that I hold.
Sulli rotates as we reach the noisy monkey and ape habitats. Trees rustle, dark green foliage cascading. We all stand by the glass, silent as we watch. Ryke lets Winona down, and she puts her nose up close, fingertips against the window.
“Look.” Sulli points to four chimpanzees swinging from branch-to-branch, squeaking to one another. “It’s us.”
We all laugh together, and mine transforms into an overwhelmed smile. I look to Ryke, but I can’t do anything but nod at him—you know those moments where you’re just so full you can barely breathe? So full of feelings you only hope to meet.
They crash against me like freefalling. Like cliff diving and bungee jumping. Like screaming at the top of my lungs. Like one-hundred-and-fifty miles per hour.
All with Ryke Meadows.
He holds my cheeks with both large, rough hands, and I reach up and hold his with my small, soft.
Ryke laughs into his own beautiful smile, and he says, “This is our fucking life, Calloway.”
Every moment is wild, even the quiet ones.
< so long >
April 2028
Zoo
Utah
RYKE MEADOWS
In another fucking lifetime, in another world, Daisy is alone.
I’m alone.
We have no girls, no fucking kids to call our own—and it’s just not what’s here today. It’s not what I feel when I wake up in the morning. It’s not what I feel when I go to fucking bed.
I’m not alone.
I have a fucking family.
Daisy radiates beneath my hands, holding her face like she holds mine. And I kiss the most beautiful fucking thing on this Earth. Her smile pulls one from me, from the dark, lonely crevices.
Winona gags, and our eyes open on her—just as she says, “Old people kissing are so gross.”