I shook my head. “No. But it will be authentic.”
I snapped a few photos and sent them to Sloane. She had a Skype date with Adam later, and I thought he might like to see. Sloane always seemed so calm, so composed. It was such a one-eighty from how she had been after Dad died. She had carried so much anxiety for so many years. I knew there had to be some major fears lurking underneath that sparkly “this is the life I chose” fa?ade. But she never let it show. A few days earlier, I had peeked into her room to ask if she wanted to go for a walk. I didn’t know she was on Skype with Adam, and I was not trying to snoop. But it actually made me feel better that she was crying, that I heard her say, “Adam, I just don’t think I can do this anymore. Please don’t do this anymore. You could retire. This could be your last tour if you wanted it to be.”
I know it sounds crazy, and it’s not like I was relishing my sister’s pain. Not at all. But her lack of emotion always scared me a little. It made me worried for her, for what she was keeping inside. I wished that she would let Emerson and me in a little bit, that she would give us some of that burden to carry. But she didn’t. I couldn’t imagine the uncertainty of that life.
Although as my heart raced thinking of my encounter with James a few days earlier, I realized I was living with uncertainty of my own. I was furious, sure. But I also wanted things for myself and my children. I wanted a family. I wanted normalcy. But the fact remained that I could never, ever forget what James had done to me. And I felt pretty sure that I would never trust him again.
I pulled out a Preggie Pop as Emerson took her place on set. Mom and I smiled at each other excitedly. The director yelled, “Action!”
Emerson said about two lines to some really cute actor, and then he pulled her in and started making out with her. Not a bad job.
I covered Vivi’s eyes with my hand, and she pulled it away, exasperated, saying “Mo-om.”
The director called, “Cut! Take five!” He walked over to Mom and me and introduced himself.
Mom cocked her head. “Listen,” she said. “You know Emerson’s career means everything to her, but is it really necessary for her to be so thin?”
He winced. “That’s totally my fault. I suggested she lose a few pounds before filming, but she took things too far. I’ll talk to her about it.”
“We would really appreciate that,” Mom said.
“Yeah,” I added. “She keeps making me drink green juice, and it’s so gross.”
We all laughed.
“I hate to be out of the loop,” I said. “What are you filming here?”
He laughed. “Didn’t she say? Emerson’s playing Edie Fitzgerald, portraying her meteoric rise to stardom after starting out as a poor Georgia girl.”
I put my finger in my ear. “I’m sorry,” I said, laughing. “It sounded like you said she was playing Edie Fitzgerald.”
I looked at Mom. Her hand was over her mouth, so I was pretty sure she was shocked, too.
The director said, “OK. Got to get back to it. Your girl is up.”
Mom and I stood there in shocked silence for what seemed like an hour but was probably only five minutes.
“Mom! Mom!” Vivi ran over, shout-whispering. “Did you see me?”
I pinned on my fakest smile. “Darling, you were marvelous. Oscar-worthy. Truly.”
I sucked my Preggie Pop furiously, but this time, even that couldn’t help. Suddenly, I felt like every person who was supposed to love me most in the world and always have my back had betrayed me in the worst way all at one time. I had done everything for Emerson. James and I had used every contact we could scrounge up to get her auditions, finagle parts for her, arrange publicity when she was going to be in a movie or on TV. How could she humiliate me like this? How could she . . . There weren’t any words to describe this feeling. Being betrayed by your husband was one thing. But your sister? Your own sister?
And that voice in my head started all over again. I’m not in love with you anymore. I’m not in love with you anymore.
I wanted to run. But it occurred to me that nowhere was safe. I had come to Peachtree Bluff to escape reality, to be somewhere, anywhere I could break free from this humiliation. But now I realized it: There was absolutely nowhere to hide.
SEVENTEEN
moments like these
ansley
After Caroline half ran, half waddled off what had previously been a calming, coastal Georgia set, Emerson kept acting.
I didn’t know what to do. Should I defend Emerson? Was this a defensible action? Was it OK because it was her job? A good opportunity? Even if it was, shouldn’t Emerson have at least warned Caroline?
I knew that no matter what, Emerson should apologize. And it occurred to me that when I was home by myself, things like this didn’t happen. I went to the store, I pulled fabric samples, I went to town meetings, I had heart-to-hearts with Hippie Hal over birds and soil erosion and wild horse preservation. I did not have screaming, hysterical daughters yelling at one another. Caroline had taken the car, which was dicey since she’d had a driver’s license for two days. But I hadn’t stopped her. She had tried to take Vivi, too, but I told her to let Vivi stay with me. I had the feeling Caroline needed a moment.
I picked up the phone and dialed Sloane. She answered.
“Code Blue,” I said.
She laughed. “Mom, I have no idea what Code Blue means.”
“It’s new. From now on, Code Blue means major situation between your two sisters.”
Sloane groaned. “What now?”
“Emerson is playing Edie Fitzgerald in this new movie.”
“No!”
“Yes.”
“Oh, dear.”
“Exactly. So batten down the hatches. What did Caroline say when she got there?”
Sloane paused. “She isn’t here.”
That feeling in the pit of your stomach never goes away, that dread when you are worried about one of your children. Right now, it was almost consuming. Between Sloane’s husband being deployed and Caroline’s life erupting and Emerson’s all-juice starvation plan, there were a lot of Tums and Tylenol PM consumed.
“Hmmm. I wonder where she is.”
“Gransley,” Vivi piped up. “You don’t know where Mom is?”
I pinned on my biggest, fakest smile. “Oh, sweetie. I’m sure she’s just picking up something for dinner.”
Realizing that Vivi was beside me calmed me. No matter how she was feeling, Caroline would never leave Vivi.
When Emerson asked where Caroline had gone I told her Caroline wasn’t feeling well, which was the truth, technically. I knew Emerson hadn’t handled the situation properly but there was no sense in ruining her shoot. Emerson told me to take her car home, that she would get a ride with the director. I took a moment to silently hope she wasn’t sleeping with him.