The doctor takes off his glasses and rubs the bridge of his nose. I know he is debating on telling the whole truth or just what she needs to hear. When he sighs and takes a deep breath, I’m pretty sure what we are fixing to get is the truth, no matter how much it’s gonna kill him to say it.
“For you? Maybe a month or two longer. According to your CT results, the tumor hasn’t changed in size, so we’re pretty sure the treatment will help to shrink it, giving you the month or two longer I mentioned. But, as you already know, the quality of life is gonna go down drastically. The drug is powerful. You’ll lose your hair, be sick quite often, and possibly hospitalized for days at a time. You can stop whenever you want, but if you decide to do this, we are gonna need at least six weeks of treatment to make it worth doing.” He pauses to take a breath and Saylor finds her opening to ask what’s on both of our minds.
“So, you’re telling me my quality of life will go down. Even if it does prolong my life it wouldn’t be worth it. Why would I do that?”
“Another benefit is research. If we test it on you and see the tumor shrinks in size, we can get funded for more research on cases like yours. It’s very rare, but the number of patients diagnosed with your type of tumor has increased significantly over the past few years, and we want to find something to treat it or slow it down.”
“You want to try this on me, in hopes that it will shrink it so you can get funded to hopefully invent something that can prevent this in other families in the future?” Saylor is waiting for his confirmation that they’re using her as their fucking guinea pig. The last six months of her life won’t be spent in a hospital, while she withers away and dies. It will be spent doing things she’s never done, seeing places she’s never seen and spending time with me . . . Those were her words. Not mine.
“Advances have been made in being able to diagnose these tumors and differentiate them from other brain tumors. What I’m asking you to do may just offer these people some hope, treatment to prolong their lives, and possibly even a cure.” I’ve heard enough. I’m ready to get Saylor the hell outta here. I hoped they found a cure, just not at the expense of my girl. I stand, reaching my hand out to hers. But, before I can move, Saylor is speaking, and her words paralyze me.
“I’ll do it.”
18
“WE NEED A minute,” I tell the doctor when he starts to talk.
“No, we don’t,” Saylor says, refusing to look at me. I stand in front of her, placing my hands on either side of the exam table, and lower my head so she is forced to meet my eyes.
“I can show you the world, Saylor. I can make all of your dreams come true. Don’t do this. Don’t spend your last days sick and in a hospital. Enjoy life.” I’m grasping at straws, trying to convince her. I’m panicking, doing everything but begging her, which I’m not above doing.
“You have an advantage. You won’t take another day for granted because you know how limited they are. I’ll leave the club. I’ll stay with you. We can do anything you want, just please don’t do this.” Her eyes are filled with tears, and she is smiling. I think she enjoys me begging her, but I don’t care. Whatever it takes.
“What about all those other people? I agree I have an advantage, but what about a child? What kind of advantage do they have? Knowing they will never get old, or drive a car, or a motorcycle.” She throws the last part in with a smile and I know her mind is made up. “I have the chance to potentially save lives. Why wouldn’t I do that?”
Because I’m a selfish bastard that wants you all to myself. I want to tell her that. I want to scream it at her, but I don’t. I just look at her in defeat. She really is incredible.
“How long we got before she has to start, Doc?” I ask, pressing my forehead against Saylor’s.
“No longer than a month, if possible.” That was too soon.
“I want to wait until after Christmas. It’s my favorite holiday and I don’t want to spend it in and out of hospitals.” Saylor’s demands are easily accepted. After all, they were at her mercy.
“I’ll set it up.” The doctor leaves, neither of us bothering to acknowledge him. I keep my head against hers, staring at the backs of my eyelids. Just being in her presence makes the world okay. When I feel her fidgeting, I know she is going to say something, but I have no idea what it will be.
“So are you breaking up with me?” Saylor asks, the smile on her face telling me she already knows the answer.
“I’m here until the end. I promise.” And if death came calling for me before her, then I’d fight him and I’d win, because this time, I was keeping my promise.
—