I can only take so much embarrassment and rejection. I’ve practically thrown myself at the man after I swore I wouldn’t, the man who has done nothing but offer me pain. I’ve made a fool of myself and the thought of having to face him again is too much. I need space. I need to breathe.
As soon as I’m in the bathroom, I check the small window to see if it’s locked. It is, but the latch locks from the inside, and I’m able to undo it. My heart is pounding as I use the sink to climb high enough to push the window open and stick my head out. As I hoped, there’s a ladder leading down to the back of the building, ending in an alley between Jesse’s apartment complex and the building behind it. The ladder is about a foot to the side of the window, which drops straight down at least thirty floors. I thank the wine in my system and the anger pounding through me for a hefty dose of bravery as I step off the sink and put all my weight onto the half-foot wide windowsill, trying not to think about what would happen if I lost my balance.
Cold night air whips my hair around my head, blasting my eyes and making them water, blurring my vision more than it already is from the alcohol. I grip the edge of the window tightly, at least somewhat confident that I could catch myself from falling and scrabble back in the window if I slipped. I carefully turn myself around, reaching for the ladder with my right hand. I have to stretch and lean out of the window a little to reach it, clutching the window’s edge like the lifeline it is the whole time.
The ladder is cold against my hand, but a quick shake confirms it will hold. I suck in a breath and make arguably the dumbest, most reckless decision of my adult life. I let go of the window and nearly have a heart attack as my body swings from the open window of Jesse’s bathroom to the ladder. I scrabble to get my left hand on the ladder and to find footholds for my feet. Once I’m securely in place, I hug my body to the metal, quivering and marveling at how incredibly pissed I am at Jesse for driving me to do something this dumb. Yes, I could have just walked out the front door or waited until he was asleep, but knowing him, he would’ve caught me right away and dragged me back, kicking and screaming.
I just need a few hours away from him to catch my breath and get away from the suffocating claustrophobia of his sexual presence. It’s starting to feel like every last thought ends in an image of he and I wrapped together in bed, a naked tangle of sweating limbs.
Not the right time, a voice in my head warns.
I make the mistake of looking down and it seems as if the ground pulls even farther away from me. A strong gust of wind actually jolts me to the side and I whimper a little, having to steady myself and start climbing down. I’m very aware that the longer I dangle here, the more tired my arms and legs will get, and the more chance there is of me slipping off, so I had better hurry.
I move down the ladder one step at a time, spending very few thoughts on anything but the absolute insanity of what I’m doing. Still, picturing the look on Jesse’s face when he realizes I’ve slipped away from him is at least partially worth the risk of life and limb.
Once I reach the solid pavement of the alley below, I’m tempted to get on my knees and kiss the lovely dirt-stained, puddle-ridden ground. I look up the ladder and am hit by one final wave of what the fuck did I just do before straightening my clothes and waltzing out of the alley and into the street like I didn’t just climb down a building. I check the front of the apartment building before I turn the corner to make sure Jesse isn’t already prowling around, looking for me. It’s only a matter of time before he figures it out, and I’m not sure how far I need to go to evade him, but I can’t shake the almost supernatural certainty I have that he will be able to find me, no matter where I go.
It’s only about thirty seconds before I realize I have no idea where to go. I left my phone in his apartment, along with all my cards and money. I have no ID, no debit card, and no clue what I’m going to do. I don’t even have the keys to my apartment. I run a hand through my hair and glance behind me on the empty street. There’s almost no one walking around at this hour, but I thought I saw something move into the alley just a few yards behind me. I can’t believe that Jesse could already be tailing me, but if he is…
I duck into the nearest coffee shop and sit down at a table facing the window and the exit. Once I’m inside, the paranoia starts to set in. I just trapped myself. One way in, one way out. Jesse is going to laugh the whole way back to his apartment at my pathetic excuse of an escape attempt. He might even want to punish me for it. That thought skids across my consciousness like a bullet, bouncing around my skull and igniting fantasies about all the possible directions that could go.
Stop it. I just ran away from the guy and only five minutes later I’m fantasizing about having dirty sex with him? He’s turning me into a fucking basket case.
I look toward the guy working the register and realize he’s glaring at me as he mutters into a cell phone. He looks away as soon as he sees me. A chill runs up my spine. I’m just being paranoid. He’s probably glaring at me because I’m just bumming a table and showing no intentions of buying anything. Or maybe he was about to close up and I just kept him from it. I manage to talk myself down and settle back into trying to enjoy my brief respite from Jesse. Except all I can do is feel like a lunatic because I miss him already. I’ve grown so used to him shadowing me in the two days he has been back in my life, and I’ve already become accustomed to the comfort of knowing he’s my protector. My protector--Jesse Slade. I smile wryly, messing with my fingers idly on the table. I never thought those words would come to my mind after how he ended things.
That was just a lie to protect myself, too, at least as far as he saw it. All he’s ever done is try to protect me. And here I am, pushing him away and then pulling him back. He must think I’m mad.
The guy behind the counter must have walked into the back, because I realize for the first time since walking in that I’m the only person in the store. Sitting alone in the small café makes me feel vulnerable and afraid. I’m about to get up and leave, despite the likelihood that I’ll just run into Jesse, but the door chimes. Three men in dark coats and golden goat masks walk into the café, and one turns to lock the door behind him.
33
Jesse
“You need a plunger in there or something?” I yell through the door. Girls have to take shits too, I get it, but Jesus. She has been in there a long time and I don’t hear a thing.
“Kay!” I shout again, banging on the door.
I give it about three seconds before slamming my shoulder into the door and bursting it open. The window’s open. My heart sinks and I run to the window, pulling myself up to stick my head out and look down. I’m terrified of what I might see, but there’s only an empty alley beneath. And a ladder. A fucking ladder to my left.