‘You OK?’ Josh said, handing me a cup of green tea.
‘Ta,’ I said, feeling my throat constrict as I spoke. ‘Yeah, I’m all right, just feeling a bit sorry for Maggie.’ I looked him up and down. ‘You look nice.’ Gone were the ripped skinny jeans and sweater. In their place was a pair of smart black trousers and a white shirt. I was going to make a joke about him having a court appearance but given my own predicament, decided to hold back.
‘I thought I’d smarten myself up a bit,’ he explained. ‘You know, I was thinking – perhaps we could do a line in hire for gay weddings.’
‘I thought we already did – if both brides hire dresses. Why?’ I said, giving him a wry grin. ‘What are you after? Rainbow colour fabrics like the gay pride flag?’
‘Sounds good to me,’ Josh said, with a twinkle in his eye.
I flashed him a smile. ‘What I want to know is . . . how come you get a lovely rainbow flag?’
‘I’ll make you a flag if you like. What colour would suit your lifestyle?’ Josh said.
‘Black,’ I said morosely. ‘No, make it grey.’
‘Like an old pair of knickers too long in the wash?’ Josh grinned. ‘I can’t see it catching on.’
I chuckled into my cup as I took a sip of tea. ‘You make me laugh,’ I said. ‘Did you actually have any sensible ideas or were you just trying to cheer me up?’
Josh clicked his fingers. ‘Oh yeah, I thought we could get a photography shoot done of same-sex couples, use them for promo in selected websites and wedding magazines. We could open the business up to a whole new stream of clients. People will travel if they know we cater for everyone.’
‘Sure thing,’ I said, admiring his business acumen. ‘Do your research, work out how much budget we need for marketing and I’ll have a look.’
‘Ooh the boss lady is loosening her purse strings. There’s a first time for everything, I suppose.’
I was just about to respond when there came a familiar jingle from above the shop door. ‘Saved by the bell,’ I said with a smile.
As I immersed myself with my client, I came to a decision. Maggie was right. The past was not a good place to live. I could not allow it to eat into my soul any longer. Josh had come on so much since I’d given him a chance. I could move to Leeds knowing my business was in capable hands. It was time to give myself a second chance too. But the only way of doing that would be to find Luke and face up to what I had done. There was one person who would know where he was. His brother had moved away, but he had a sister who, so far as I knew, still lived in Colchester. For a long time I had dreaded bumping into her on the street, and hoped I had changed enough that she would not recognise me immediately. But the days of hiding were behind me now. I thought of Jamie, my marriage, and everything I could not afford to lose. It was time to find Luke and put the ghosts of the past to rest.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
EMMA
2002
Holding my breath, I pressed my finger on the stiff plastic doorbell. Luke’s house loomed large and imposing. It was a mansion compared to the tiny cottage I lived in. I cast an eye over his car parked on the gravel driveway, appreciating the scent of the chrysanthemums bordering the path. I felt like I was in a game of knock down ginger with my sister, ready to run at the first sign of life. My grip around the bouquet of sunflowers tightened. They had cost me all my pocket money due to them being imported, but you couldn’t put a price on love. I sniffed the flowers, thinking what a beautiful bridal bouquet they would make. I spent a lot of time daydreaming about weddings, when my thoughts weren’t tied up with Luke.
The sight of his shadow behind the frosted glass made my heart trip over itself in my chest. Wearing my brightest smile, I took a deep breath as he opened the door. ‘Hi,’ I said breezily, even though my limbs were trembling as I stood.
‘Emma? What the fuck are you doing here?’ Luke said, craning his neck from left and right before dragging me inside.
‘Steady.’ I emitted a nervous giggle at the strength of his grip. ‘You’re keen.’ But as he slammed the door behind me, Luke’s face relayed he was anything but. From a side room I could hear the sounds of the television and I wondered if we were alone. He was wearing a tracksuit, the zip half undone, revealing his toned chest. The same chest I had run my fingers over just a couple of nights before. Tearing my eyes away, I was taken aback to see the spike of annoyance in his gaze.
‘I’ll repeat the question, will I? What are you doing, turning up at my house?’
My smile fell as I absorbed the frosty reception. ‘I . . . I heard you were sick. I thought I’d bring you some flowers to cheer you up.’
‘How did you find out where I lived?’ he said. ‘What if my mother had answered the door? You’re lucky she’s out, or there would be hell to pay.’
My fingers twisted into the bindings tying the bouquet. ‘You weren’t answering my texts. I was worried.’
‘Worried about what?’ he said, running his fingers through his hair. ‘And you haven’t answered my question. How did you find out where I live?’
I responded with a half shrug, my throat dry. I couldn’t allow myself to cry. I was an adult now. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘I thought you’d be pleased to see me.’ I held out the flowers, but Luke just laughed in my face.
‘What did I say when we met? I’m not a kid, Emma, and this won’t do. I don’t want you coming here again. So you can take your sunflowers and go home.’
‘But I haven’t got any bus fare left,’ I said. Naively, I had hoped he would give me a lift.
Rooting around in his pocket, he produced three pounds and shoved it into my hand. His lip arched in a sneer. ‘Here, get yourself a few sweets out of the change.’
‘Why are you being so nasty to me?’ I said, hurt inflaming my words. ‘I don’t understand.’
Luke sighed, as if he were speaking to an errant child. ‘Look. What we had was fun, but it’s over now. Best you accept that and move on.’
The tears I had been valiantly holding back forced themselves to the surface. ‘I don’t understand.’
Patting me on the back, Luke steered me towards the door. ‘Best not to dwell on it. Off you go, and remember, not a word to anyone.’
Paralysed with disbelief, I stood frozen on the step as the door slammed behind me. The flowers fell from my grasp, my limbs barely able to make it up the gravel path. What had he meant, ‘Best not to dwell on it’? What had I done wrong?
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
LUKE
2002
‘Here, you look like you need it,’ Lorraine said, shoving a freshly made coffee under my nose.
‘Cheers,’ I said, gratefully accepting it from her grasp. Sitting in the staffroom, I had chosen my moment carefully, wearing enough of a hangdog expression so she would ask me what was wrong. She was known as a caring soul, a busybody in my opinion, always ready to stick her nose into other people’s business. But on this occasion I wanted to turn it to my advantage; feed the rumour mill before it turned on me. Lorraine smoothed her long black skirt, her beaded necklace jangling as she sat. She had had her blonde hair cut short recently, giving her a pixie look.