To her mortification, tears welled in her eyes. She tried to blink them away, but they tumbled down her cheeks, breaking the dam she’d formed and releasing her carefully restrained emotions.
At first, Bowie looked horrified at her tears, and then he threw up his hands. “I never pretended to be anything other than what I am. I don’t know what you want from me. I’ve followed the absolute letter of our agreement. I gave you my name, my protection, a place to live. You’ve got money now and social standing as a Hart, for what that’s worth.” He jammed his fingers into his hair. “I knew this marriage was a mistake. I should’ve just kept on riding when I left the 7 Heart. It sure didn’t take long for you to regret marrying me. I never lied to you about what I was proposing.”
Elise bowed her head. He was right. He hadn’t changed the rules. She tried to explain herself.
“At first, it was enough. I thought that I could do it, that a paper marriage, a platonic relationship would be enough for me. But it isn’t. Not when I see how much you have to give, how happy we could be.”
When he forgot to be ashamed or bitter, when they were flying across the prairie together on his horse, when he held her in his arms and kissed her senseless and she got a glimpse of how it might be between them, it broke her heart.
He was so bewildered, and she couldn’t miss the hurt and confusion on his face.
“Right now this marriage feels like a prison, only it’s not me behind bars, it’s you. You’ve locked yourself away, hoarding your love and affection, and you’ve lumped me in with all the people you think might hurt you. I don’t know if I can go on in a loveless marriage. I need more.”
“I don’t have any more to give.”
“Then where does that leave us?” Her heart broke anew, more painful than anything she’d encountered before.
He had no answer, and neither did she.
“I want you to go to the dance. It would embarrass my family if you weren’t there.”
“And there’s nothing I can do or say to change your mind about going?”
“No. I’ve told you before. I don’t go into town.”
Shoulders sagging, she sighed, wiping the tears from her cheeks. “I’m sorry. You’re right. You have been nothing but honest with me about your feelings. I’m sorry I overstepped. It won’t happen again.”
She lifted her hem and went upstairs to her bedroom, pausing on the landing to look into his room across the hall. The room she had thought might become a nursery one day, but now stood for all that was wrong in her marriage. Her efforts to get her husband to love her had come to nothing. The rest of her life stretched out before her, lonely and unfulfilled.
And she had nobody to blame but herself … and her stubborn husband.
Bowie tightened the girth on his saddle. “Easy, boy.” The green colt he was training sidled and stomped his back foot. “There, that’s not too bad.” He untied the lead line from the corral fence and began a slow circuit with the bright chestnut, letting him get used to the feel of the saddle.
“He’s coming along nicely. Think he’s got any cow sense?”
Bowie halted, turning as Austin dismounted and tied his horse to the fence. “Too soon to tell. You never know about a horse’s cow sense until you ask him the question, but he’s got a good disposition. Calm and kind so far.”
Austin raised the collar on his coat as a chilly wind blew, whipping up a cloud of corral dust. He crossed his arms on the top rail and rested his chin on his wrists. “I was hoping for a little snow for Christmas. It would make tonight’s Christmas Eve Ball special.”
“We almost never get snow this far south. You come for something specific, or just want to talk about the weather?” Bowie led the colt around one more circuit, stopping in front of his older brother.
“You know me pretty well.” Austin smiled. “I had something on my mind.”
“You usually do.”
“Actually, I came to talk to you about Elise.”
Bowie’s muscles went taut. “What about her?”
“Rebekah tells me she’s going to the dance tonight after all. The girls all met up at Miss Spanner’s for dress fittings and such, and Elise was there.”
“That’s right.” Not that he got much satisfaction out of it. Elise had been so quiet and withdrawn since Thanksgiving night, it was like someone had snuffed a candle flame and left the house dark. She didn’t even want any more riding lessons.
“But you’re still not going?”
“Nope.” Bowie loosened the cinch. His temper was frayed. Not a good frame of mind for training colts.
“You’re an idiot.” Austin said it like it was a commonly held fact.
Bowie jerked the saddle off. “What did you say?”