I put that picture on my desk so that when I feel sorry for myself, her fearsome little face will be staring at me, saying, “Get off your ass and fight, woman!” I rarely give advice—your personal growth will only make me look worse by comparison—but as a suggestion, find your most psychotic baby picture and have it on hand for those days when you want to throw in the towel. It is both joyful and effective.
I hope that you have found this entertaining and maybe (my highest goal) it has made you feel less alone. If we ever cross paths I hope you have a good experience. I will try to be open and not squirrelly. I can’t promise I’ll be nice because nice isn’t really who I am. Pygmy ferret cornered and ready for a fight is more like it.I, II
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I. I wanted to put more shit talk in here but I figured I should be diplomatic since I’d like to continue working for at least a few more months. I’ll write another book when I’m seventy. A better woman might let go of past conflicts, but don’t worry, I hold a grudge forever. This has been fun. X
II. Oh man. Is my Wikipedia page going to say “author” now? That’s gonna make me look like such a dick.
bonus reading group guide
Welcome to the completely real and very serious reading group guide for the magnificent book Scrappy Little Nobody. Below are a few questions to help you get the most out of your reading experience.I
Book club meetings should commence with an interpretative dance based on your emotional journey through the book. Refreshments (preferably a variety of Pop-Tarts and a dry prosecco to be drunk from the bottle) should be served liberally throughout the proceedings. We hope these discussion points aid the further appreciation of the material you’ve just read.
1. Though every page of Scrappy Little Nobody is perfect in every way, which part is your favorite? Make a list (it can just be a Post-it that says “Every part is my favorite”) and tape it to your chest for the rest of the day.
2. Discuss the metaphor of Anna moving to Los Angeles without a motor vehicle. Was this an illustration of her tendency to self-sabotage, or did she just not look at a map of the city before she moved, like an idiot?
3. Why do you think Anna chose to disclose her childhood affiliation with the KKK? Was the guilt finally too much for her? Or is she trying to make white supremacy feel accessible and fun for a new generation?
4. When Anna compares Zac Efron to Charles Manson, is she making a joke or trying to warn us about a potential murderous mastermind?
5. Does Anna hate all Russians or just the one man who teased her about her name? Does her xenophobia stem from this experience or simply being raised in the era when all bad guys in movies were Russian?
6. The book opens with the author’s mother wishing for a few stories in which Anna comes across as thoughtful and/or generous. Did Anna’s mother get her wish? Was there a single story where Anna didn’t seem eminently punchable?
7. In the section about Alexa Chung and Olivia Palermo, the author viciously maligns two innocent and very fashionable girls. Is Anna a shady, basic bitch, or the shadiest, basic-est bitch?
8. What was up with that one chapter about sailing being in the present tense? Sure, Anna’s editor thought that was weird, but it’s what Anna wanted. Who was right? The pigheaded author or the noble (and very pretty) editor?
9. Did Anna steal that money from her neighbor’s pizza party? Did she include the story to hide her crime in plain sight? Let’s petition to get her tax returns released and finally take this bitch down!
10. Why does Anna want to engage in a Valentine’s Day orgy? Is she simply desperate for human contact or does she not understand acceptable social boundaries?
11. Anna makes a lot of bad decisions. Can you think of a time when you’ve made a bad decision? Oh wow, really? We’re gonna pretend you can’t think of a single example? YOU THINK YOU’RE BETTER THAN ME?!
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I. If you happen to run a trashy celebrity news blog that requires you to peruse the content of privileged cretins like me, first of all I’m sorry, and second, you may use these questions as a template for creating misleading but juicy headlines. BTW, I get it, famous white girls are really fun to be mad at.
acknowledgments
I would like to gratefully thank: Jeff Blitz for lending your brain and for throwing cake at me. Georgia Stitt for your musical guidance. Kay Cannon for keeping me honest. Cait Hoyt for your warmth and support. Lauren Spiegel, my literary sherpa, thank you for your patience and for occasionally letting me win.