“Sometimes.”
We both move slowly, waiting to see if we get a rogue cow. Zach takes the first step. “There’s a lot we need to talk about. You said some stuff that night when we were outside. I’ve let you have some time, but you can’t keep living like this.”
My muscles tense as I see where this is going. Talking about Todd’s death is the absolute last thing I want to do. “I’m doing everything I need to.”
“I need to know where your head is at. You’re lying to everyone, but I’m not everyone.”
Since I told him the truth, I’ve wondered why. Why would I tell the one person who I really didn’t want to know? Of everyone that I could’ve let it slip to, it was Zach. It made no sense other than that somewhere in my heart, I needed him to know. Maybe I knew he wouldn’t wield the information against me like a sword. Zach wouldn’t judge.
“No,” I agree. “You’re not.”
That doesn’t mean I can talk about this. I’ve buried parts of that day so deep, I don’t even know where to find them. Bringing it up, facing it, could wreck me all over again. The nightmares and the visions of my husband are painful. Right now I’m angry. I’ve held on to that feeling to get through the days. To bring back the sadness would be too difficult.
“All I’m asking is that you don’t treat me like them. As worried as you are about what our future might—or might not—hold, I’m feeling the same shit, Pres. I’m fully aware that I was the one who left. I live with that regret every damn day. But you fucking broke me.”
I look over with a ton of questions. “I broke you?”
“Yeah.” He looks heavenward before his gaze locks on me. “I loved you. You were the reason I was taking that position with the Dodgers. I wasn’t doing it just for me!”
“I know you think that. If I had left that college for you, I would’ve been a fool. People already thought I was for giving up the school I wanted to follow you. I didn’t want to spend my entire life chasing your dreams. There’s no way we could’ve done another two plus years with you traveling, the girls throwing themselves at you, and me finishing school.”
He rubs his shoulder as he takes a minute to respond. “We could’ve lasted. Or maybe not. We won’t ever know because you didn’t give us that chance. You think I’m the only one to blame?”
“I have for a long time. I felt like I was dying inside without you. You were such a deep part of who I was that when you left I was empty. Todd was visiting Angie that weekend and he held me while I sobbed. It’s how we became anything. He held together the pieces of me that you destroyed.”
There’s truth in what he said before. The minute he left—I gave up. I was young and dumb too, and I jumped right into a relationship with Todd. God, I was so afraid of being alone.
But my life with Todd wasn’t bad. We had love, children, happiness, and I would’ve grown old with him.
“I would’ve held you.”
“Not from California,” I remind him.
“No, I guess not.”
We fall silent as we ride slowly. There are things that I need to deal with to move forward. Not only with Zach, but in my life. He’s right to be wary. My heart is still heavy with loss but also filled with anger toward so many.
Our history runs deep, and the scars aren’t superficial. They’re branded into who I am and have shaped the deformity that is my heart.
I can’t just move on.
I can’t just forget.
Then those wounds were reopened by my husband. The man who was supposed to be there through the good times and bad. The vows we took and the life we shared are no more.
“What are you thinking?” Zach asks.
“I’m thinking about you, Todd, me, and whether I can move on from any of it,” I say honestly. “There are a lot of things between us. A lot of history, and it’s not as simple as just trying again.”
He nods. “I didn’t think it would be.”
“Then what did you think?”
Zach sighs and stops moving. “Wyatt,” he calls out. “Presley and I will be there in a minute.”
I look over confused. “We can’t . . .”
“We’ll only be a few minutes,” he says as he climbs off the horse. He holds my reins while looking up at me. “Come down.”
His voice is commanding. I swing my leg over, but my other foot gets stuck. I almost fall, but Zach’s strong arms snag me. My hands rest against his broad chest, feeling his heart beat beneath my fingers. We don’t move. Neither of us do anything except look into the other’s eyes. His arm tightens as he holds me even closer.
I want to kiss him and feel his lips against mine. The battle is clear in his eyes.