“Hey.” Alexander’s voice breaks through my fogged head, giving me something to hold on to.
My mouth opens and I take in a deep breath and slowly exhale. I open my eyes and look up into his comforting ones. “I need to tell you something.”
Rubbing my arm, he nods. “Okay.”
“I died, Alexander.”
The gentle slope up of his smile falls down, his lips now a straight line. “What do you mean?” He moves to his back, and I turn and cuddle close, as close as I can get to him with my leg draped on top of his.
“I died. In your arms that day in the car.”
“Sara Jane, you’re here. You’re here in my arms now. Alive.”
I run my nails lightly over his chest, not wanting to leave a mark. “I wasn’t there—for seconds, minutes.” The stillness of his body is unsettling, every muscle paralyzed for seconds. I lift up to look into his eyes, and say, “I remember it and it freaks me out.” I can’t help the stress in my voice. It’s something I’ve not allowed myself to worry about.
He sits up, dragging his weight until he’s propped against the headboard. “Don’t let it bother you. You lived. You’re living. Thank God.”
“Other stuff has happened.”
“Like what?”
“Today at the penthouse. I could feel Chad’s presence.”
Relief brushes across his face as if I’ve put his mind at ease. “I feel Chad there too. It’s strange without him.”
“I miss him.”
“Me too.”
“His funeral is in two days.”
“Yeah,” he says, staring across the room. When his eyes return to mine, as if he can read my mind, he asks, “What else is bothering you?”
“I’ve got a lot on my mind.”
“I’m here for you. What worries you?”
“Not so much worried as I’m weirded out by some things that April said. She told me you’re changing, as if I hadn’t noticed. As if I wouldn’t notice. I see you, Alexander. You can change. You can become whoever you want to be, but please don’t forget about me.”
“I don’t know why she would say anything that would worry you, but ignore her. I think something else is on your mind. What do you think brought this on?” Ever astute is my Alexander.
“You’re not going to stop until you get answers, so let me be a part of things. Let me help you get what you need.”
“No. It’s too dangerous. Look what’s already happened. I can’t risk your life again. Just focus your energy on healing and finishing your degree. You have one semester left.”
“My life is at risk simply because I’m with you.”
His eyes harden as he stares across the room, thoughts he doesn’t want to share clouding his eyes. When he finally looks back, resolve coats his tone. “You have a point, but what do you think you can do to help that won’t include front-line exposure?”
Front-line exposure? It still surprises me how deeply into this mission he’s become. “Maybe I could do what Chad did.”
He takes a deep breath and shakes his head. I can tell this isn’t comfortable for him. “Shelly is the best candidate.”
“Shelly?” My voice pitches as I shake my head. “You’re asking Shelly to come work for you full-time?”
“She was practically there day and night with him. She would hover over his shoulder, and she understands his practices.”
“You can’t just slot her into Chad’s spot like you found a missing puzzle piece.”
“Why not?”
“Don’t be callous. That’s not who you are.” I maneuver to the side and look down before peeking back up at him. “She blames me for his death. She doesn’t think any better of you. She’ll never work for you.”
“Everyone has a price, Sara Jane. It’s only a matter of finding out what it is.”
My head jerks back as I stare at him. I scoot away, needing space between us, shocked by his words. “That’s how your father used to think.”
I get out of bed, but my wrist is grabbed. “I’m nothing like my father.”
Glancing down to the hold he has on me, I ask, “You sure about that?”
His hand releases me, his fingers flexing as if they had been bound to me and are now free. “I’m going out.”
“What?” I’m angry as well as sad, but mostly ticked off that once again he’s creating walls and keeping me out. He starts to get up, but I grab his arm this time. When his furious blues hit me, I sit up on my knees and say, “Don’t let your anger make decisions you’ll regret later.”
He laughs humorlessly. “My whole life is full of regrets. What’s one more?”
“I know what you’re doing, and I want you to stop. Don’t push me away, Alexander.” He crosses his arms and doesn’t move, just stares, making me feel naked, vulnerable before him. I cross my arms over my chest and stare right back. “Can we lower our emotional weapons? Caught up in a game of mental warfare is not how I want to be with you.”
“Nor I with you. I don’t even know how this fight started.”
Standing up on the mattress, I uncross his arms and wrap them around me. I hold his head against my chest, and he lets me, his body easing as he submits to me. “We’re in this together. We don’t have a choice.”
“We never did.”
I kiss the top of his head. “No, we never did, did we?” Leaning my head on top of his, I whisper, “I know we’re only pretending, but I meant what I said at the hospital. I want to be married to you. We can do it your way, but please don’t make me wait too long.”
Looking at me, the intensity of his love strikes me. I don’t think he could hide the depth of that eternity he plans to spend with me if he tried. God, I love him. So much. He kisses my chin. “I won’t. I promise.”
18
Alexander
I haven’t taken my eyes off him. I’m still confused to why Jason’s here after that fight yesterday. Cruise must pick up on my irritation because he says, “Stop scowling. We’re stuck with him.”
“Why?”
“Because he’s involved now.”
“Why?”
“Because he knows too much.”
Standing, I catch Jason’s attention. “We need to talk.”
“Are we breaking up?” The sarcasm drips from him, making every muscle in my body tighten. Fucker.
I let the comment slide. This time. Walking to the balcony, I slide the door open and step out. The air is cool, the heat of the day not set in as it lifts high above the city street. Leaning against the railing and watching the tiny cars below, I hear the door close behind me.
The eight-by-ten space is too small for egos as large as ours. Nothing feels spontaneous with him, so when Jason matches my position, I change mine. Upper hand and all.
“I shouldn’t have said what I did earlier.” Now he’s got my attention, but I hold back my response in lieu of listening. “We’re friends—Sara Jane and I became friends.”
They’re friends. Not us, but the two of them. “You keep saying that.” He hates to be questioned. I mean, who likes it, but we need to settle this for good. “I’m just not sure if you’re saying that for my benefit or yours. You’ve done shit I don’t want my girl exposed to.”
“Accusations should come with facts to back them up. As for exposure, she’s exposed already. You and I both know Johnson died for hurting them.”