“What do you mean?”
“Shit…” He grinds his palms into his eyes before returning his gaze to me. “I didn’t tell anyone the truth. I thought I was protecting them, making it easier.”
“Savage, I don’t understand…”
He slips his arm around my back and rubs his hand down my spine and I shiver at his touch. “I know. I’m sorry. This is just…fuck…a lot harder than I thought it would be. It was so much easier to tell Dr. Cochran.”
“Who’s Dr. Cochran?”
“My shrink.”
I hope my face doesn’t show my shock at finding out Savage has been seeing a shrink. He never seemed the type to lay on a couch and vent. He’s always so strong, and sure…I can’t imagine how hard it must be for him to open up to a total stranger and show any vulnerability.
“You’re seeing a psychiatrist?”
He nods, the corner of his mouth turning up slightly. “I know, hard to believe, isn’t it?”
I return his half-smile. “Kinda. So, tell me about the accident. What do you need to come clean about?”
He takes a deep breath, letting it out in a rush. “I told everyone I was unconscious almost immediately, and don’t remember anything about the accident. But, that’s not true. I was awake, very much awake, until just after the rescue personnel finally got me out of the car.”
Somehow, I manage to get my hand over my mouth to stifle my gasp. He was awake? The entire time? Envisioning the pain he must have been in, the terror he must have felt, makes my stomach churn and I have to swallow down the bile threatening to rise.
“After the car rolled, I was disoriented for a minute, but when I finally came around, I realized the car was on a strange angle and my legs were crushed beneath the dashboard, my seat twisted around toward the window. I yelled out for Star, but she didn’t answer me. The position I was in, I could barely move, but I turned my head and looked over my shoulder…and I saw her…”
He trails off and it finally clicks, what he said…”I know what it’s like to watch someone die.”
“Oh, my God.” I can’t stop the words from tumbling from my mouth as the tears well in my eyes, spilling in hot trails down my cheeks. He brushes them away with his thumbs and a sad smile forms on his face.
“She was still alive. I told everyone she died instantly, because I didn’t want them to know she suffered. She was crushed. I couldn’t see anything below the middle of her chest. I reached my hand out, searching for her, trying to touch her. I said her name, begged her to talk to me. Her eyes found mine, and I knew she knew she wasn’t going to make it…”
His voices breaks and he clears his throat, taking another cleansing breath before he continues. “I finally felt her hand, and I grabbed it. She squeezed back so lightly I almost didn’t feel it. I told her she was going to be all right. She shook her head and said my name. It was so soft, I barely heard it…and when she spoke…”
A sob breaks free, his chest seizing under me and I press my lips to his cheek, totally clueless how to comfort him.
“When she tried to speak, blood poured from her mouth…and I knew…I clutched her hand and talked to her, kept telling her we were going to be okay. I knew it was a lie. I knew she wasn’t going to make it, and I knew there was a good chance I wouldn’t either. The pain was overwhelming, but I also realized I couldn’t feel my legs, and, knowing they were crushed and I should be feeling something, I knew…”
I can barely see him through my tears. I fight the sobs continuously rising in my throat, but eventually they erupt and he pulls me against him, bringing his face next to mine, pressing his lips to my temple. “Don’t cry, baby,” he murmurs, his hand slowly sliding up and down my back.
Don’t cry? He can’t be serious…
“She died within minutes. I watched the life drain from her face, her lifeless eyes staring at me…so, baby, I know it’s not exactly the same thing, but I need you to know, it does get better, easier. Eventually, you won’t see it every time you close your eyes. It never goes away, not totally, but it does get better.”
I want to believe him, want to believe the images in my head will eventually fade, but right now, that seems impossible. I pull back from his chest, now wet with my tears, and I wipe his from his face.
He gives me a sad smile and leans up to kiss me gently. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth from the beginning.”
I shake my head, brushing his hair back from his forehead. “It’s okay. I understand why you didn’t tell me, why you didn’t tell your family.”
“Do you think I should tell them?”
“No.” I answer quickly, and he looks surprised at my instant reaction. “There isn’t any reason to put them through that, is there?”