XO ?
This is the first time you’ve XO’ed him back and it definitely feels like a shift in your relationship. You’re absolutely giddy over this and you’ve never had a better day at school. Sure, you’ve only been in school for a week but all you think about is how your boyfriend is coming to get you after school. You completely ignore Alex’s stares in English and in Spanish and the day goes by surprisingly fast.
At two-twenty, you say goodbye to Jae and make your way to the front of the school. As you wait, you busy yourself checking out the latest from the infamous Instagrammers. Yep, they’re still there, posting selfies in sports bras and Nike workout shorts, looking slutty as usual. You wonder if their moms have any clue about the pictures they post and the comments they get.
Next, you check Todd’s Twitter feed to see what he’s been up to because that’s the only connection you have to your brother and his life. You see he’s really pumped for Friday night’s football game and he’s encouraging everyone to go support the team. He’s got seventy-six retweets.
You check the time on your phone and wonder where Ben is. There’s no text from him and you start to worry because it’s two-forty-five now and practically everyone is gone from school. Only you and a couple of other kids are waiting for rides. You text Ben: You almost here?
When there is no answer by three o’clock you become frantic, thinking he’s been in a car accident and he’s dead. Just what you need: a dead boyfriend you haven’t even had the chance to tell that you love. A couple of kids on skateboards whiz by, nearly taking you out, and they say, “Whoa, sorry dude,” as they continue past. You’re near tears by this point, sure that Ben is dead.
At three-ten you get a text:
Got caught up but I’m on my way!
Through tears you send him a text that you’re already home, saying you got a ride with Todd. Now you wish he was dead, because you want to kill him.
*
You walk to the football field where Todd is practicing with the team. The aluminum bleachers are so hot you burn the backs of your thighs when you sit. You don’t want to wait for Todd but you don’t have any other way home and you don’t want to call your mom. The sun beats down on you so hard you feel dizzy, and beads of sweat form on your upper lip, but you wait.
When the football coach blows his whistle signaling practice is over, you walk toward the turf and the players, and your brother catches your eye.
“What’s up?” he asks.
“Can I get a ride?”
“Sure,” he says, as he pulls his helmet from his sweaty head. He smells like dirt and stink and it’s weird because this is your brother but you hardly know him. You both walk in silence to the parking lot where he gets into the car and unlocks it for you from the inside.
Instead of putting on the air conditioner, Todd rolls down the front windows and sticks his forearm out of the car. It’s too hot for the car windows to be open, and the stench of him is repulsive but you can’t complain because he’s giving you a ride home. You swallow down the bile that’s building in your throat.
“Did you miss the bus or just want to watch me in action?” he asks.
“Ben was supposed to pick me up.”
“He blew you off? Knew he was a dick.”
You turn your head toward your open window and say nothing more.
*
You go straight to your room. Ben has let you down. He offered to do something nice for you, and then he let you down. And thought nothing of it. He got “caught up” but was on his way? You’re that important to him and that’s all he could say? No I’m sorry I’m late? You’re so upset.
All evening you hear texts and calls coming through, but you don’t look at your phone. The monster is fuming. Sometimes you can’t tell if it’s you or the monster who’s angry, or if you’re fusing into the same being. It’s becoming more and more difficult. One minute, you’re the happiest you’ve ever felt—when Ben texted you that morning, offering to get you after school—and now? Now you feel so let down.
You want to quit everything.
You shut off your phone for the night and you and your monster go to sleep.
29
At lunch the next day you tell Jae and Mandi what happened.
“Ben totally blew me off after telling me he would pick me up. I thought he was dead and when he said he was on his way, it was like no big deal that he was almost forty-five minutes late. Like he didn’t even care that I waited for him for so long.”
“There’s got to be a valid reason. He wouldn’t purposely make you wait,” Jae says. “You’re being ridiculous.”
“Yeah, you really are being crazy over this,” Mandi says.
It’s totally okay for Jae to tell you that you’re being ridiculous, but when Mandi calls you crazy, you glare at her. She hardly knows you, so who’s she to say if you’re crazy or not, although you think you are crazy these days.
“What’d he say today?” Jae asks as she takes a bite of a meaty sandwich that makes you want to barf.
“I don’t know. I haven’t turned my phone back on.”
“Do you or do you not want to be with him?” Jae asks.
You sigh, a deep, heavy, sad sigh. “I do. So badly.”
“Give me the damn phone.” Jae holds out her hand.
You give her the phone, afraid of what she’s going to find. When she turns it on, it almost sounds as if it’s exploding because there are so many chimes going off—beep after beep after beep, and you’re sure they’re all from Ben.
“Twenty-six messages, you idiot. Twenty-six.”
Jae starts typing immediately.
“What are you doing?!” you yell.
“Fixing this.” Jae sends a message and in a matter of seconds there’s a response. She texts back and forth a few times with Ben and when she’s done, she tells you, “I told Ben it was me texting from your phone. He had to stay after school yesterday because the track coach wanted to talk to him. He said he tried to tell you that yesterday, but you didn’t read his texts or answer his calls.”
You don’t know what to say.
“He’s going to meet you out front after school,” Jae says, and then: “You better not blow this with him. You should have let him explain and apologize. You owe him an apology too.”
You thank Jae and tell her you’re sorry for being so stupid.
“Tell him that,” she says.
*
After school, you head out the main doors and Ben’s waiting for you, holding a bouquet of baby-white carnations. You walk over to him, feeling shy and embarrassed about your behavior.
When you reach him, you both start to say something, so then you laugh and he hands you the flowers.
“Someone told me these are your favorite,” he says.
“Red roses are so cliché,” you say.
“Come here.” He pulls you in for a hug. While you’re not looking at him it feels easier and you try it again.
“I’m sorry,” you say.