This is a first and it takes him by surprise. He doesn’t say anything right away and then you wonder if he’ll change his plans and actually stay home with you and Ben. The idea of the three of you watching The Fault in Our Stars has you thinking insane thoughts. You would rather eat a full chicken dinner than have to sit there with Ben and your dad watching the movie.
Finally, your dad wavers. “No funny stuff, Pea.”
Your mom comes out of her room wearing a nice dress and attaching a set of new dangling earrings to her ears. “What’s going on?” she asks.
“Pea wants to have Ben over while we’re out.”
“You sure that’s a good idea?” your mom asks.
You roll your eyes super-dramatically at your mom to convey your annoyance. But because you don’t want to make your parents angry, you don’t say what you really want to say to them, and instead, you simply say, “Seriously, we’re just going to watch a movie.” And then you tell your mom she looks nice. Because she does.
They leave and Ben comes over. Right away he kisses you. Your back is against the front door and he keeps kissing you, pressing his body against yours. Your mind is all over the place—the kissing is amazing and it’s all you want to do with him the whole night. His hands are in your hair. You used to wear it up in a hair tie because it’s so thick and unruly that it can be hard to manage, but since Ben, well, since Ben you’ve been wearing it down. Because there is nothing, nothing like having a boy, particularly a boy who looks and smells and kisses like Ben, take his hands and pull his fingers through your hair while he is kissing your lips. And there is nothing, and you mean nothing, like having a boy like Ben move his lips to your ear and kiss you right below the earlobe and then whisper to you, “Hey.”
It’s one word, and it really has no meaning, but it’s everything.
It is everything.
When you’re with Ben, everything is perfect.
You pull away and you are not quite nose to nose because he’s so tall, but you look up at him and you whisper back, “Hey.”
17
You’ve already seen The Fault in Our Stars and you’ve read the book twice. You saw the movie in the theater with Jae and you clung to each other and bawled your eyes out. Now though, you’re curled up on the family room couch with Ben, and the end scene with Hazel Grace has just played.
It’s the first time he’s seen the movie.
“Well, that was a buzz kill,” he says.
“What do you mean? Why?” you ask.
“Come on, her boyfriend died.”
“Yeah, but it’s the most beautiful movie ever,” you say. “Don’t you get it?”
“Not really.”
You thought he would understand. Now you have to explain it to him.
“It’s perfect. Don’t you see? We already know from the beginning that Hazel Grace is going to die. And it’s awesome that Augustus dies!”
“You’re weird.” He kisses your nose.
“But don’t you get it?”
He shakes his head.
“She has terminal cancer. We all know it’s going to happen. And then she meets Augustus, and she gets to experience love with him on earth, but he dies before her, so he’s going to be there waiting for her when she dies. For all we know, Hazel Grace could die the next day!”
“Like I said,” Ben says, “you’re weird.”
“Maybe you and I should go find John Green and ask him to tell us what actually happens to Hazel Grace? Even though I already know the answer.”
“Do you have any ice cream?” Ben asks.
You click the TV off and uncurl your legs from underneath you. Ice cream sounds good. Ben follows you into the kitchen and you dig through the freezer and find your mom’s stash of Ben & Jerry’s.
“Do you want Cake Batter or Peanut Butter Fudge?”
“Peanut Butter Fudge,” he says.
You pull both pints out and grab some spoons and hand him the peanut butter ice cream. When he opens it up he shows you its contents.
“Uh, what happened to the fudge core?” he asks. There is a hole dug right through to the bottom where the gooey middle is supposed to be.
“Guess my mom was having a bad day. It happens a lot.”
You settle onto the kitchen counter and start eating the Cake Batter ice cream. He sits on the stool in front of you and digs into what’s left of his pint like it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted. Then his gaze meets yours.
“Heard you and Jae texted Braden last night.”
Your eyes go wide and you turn your head to avoid looking at him.
“What are you talking about?” you finally say, making eye contact.
“You know what I’m talking about.” He takes another bite of the ice cream and twists the spoon in his mouth. You do know what he’s getting at but all you can think of is how freaking sexy he looks while he eats ice cream.
“Well…” you say.
“Is there something you wanted to know about me?” He smirks.
“Jae brought it up,” you admit.
“Jae brought what up?” You realize now he’s teasing you and you relax. He puts the ice cream down and stands up from the stool. He places his hands on your knees. They’re cold from when he held the ice cream but they feel nice.
You blurt it out: “Jae asked me if you’ve done it before and I told her I didn’t know.”
He kind of smiles sideways. It’s really cute but you can’t tell if it’s an answer. You don’t know if it means yes, he’s a virgin, or no, he’s not a virgin.
He takes the ice cream out of your hand and puts it on the counter next to you. He leans into you and starts kissing you. His lips are cold and he tastes like Reese’s peanut butter cups. He puts his hand behind your neck and pulls you closer. You kiss for a while, and you get that feeling in your low abdomen where everything goes empty and swoops at the same time, that feeling like you need to be filled up. You don’t know if you want to stop at just kissing.
After a while, he pulls away and looks into your eyes, his hand still on the back of your neck. You’re glad you’re not standing because your knees are weak.
“What were we talking about?” you finally say.
“If I’ve done it or not,” he says.
“Yeah, that,” you say.
“Here’s the truth,” he says.
“Okay?” You bite your lower lip, unsure of what you want the truth to be.
“I’ve had girlfriends, and I’ve done some stuff. But not that. There hasn’t been anyone I’ve wanted to get close enough to. Yet.”
He kisses you again, then picks up the ice cream and feeds you a bite of it. You don’t feel the monster anywhere inside you.
Ben doesn’t need to ask you the same question. Because you’re sure he knows the answer.
18