“I don’t know,” I said, not quite sure where I was going with the conversation. It was something I hadn’t realized until that moment. “I need to get away from here.”
“Are you telling me you want to quit? Audrey, think about this carefully. You’ve got a great thing going here.”
“I know; I’ve been so happy here—”
“And I’ve been very happy with you,” she cut in quickly. “Everyone in the office adores you.”
“You’ve all been so good to me, and I appreciate it—I truly do. But I need to get away, even if it’s just for a while.”
“How long?”
“I don’t know.”
“You’ve come such a long way since you’ve been here, and you’re now one of my best writers. But you know I can’t keep your job on hold.”
“I understand that,” I said, numbly. “I’m so sorry, Sam. I’ve got to go someplace and clear my head. I can’t stay here any longer.”
She looked at me for the longest time. “Where are you planning on going?” she asked finally.
“I have to go to Colorado.” The words came as a surprise, but as soon as they were out of my mouth, I sensed it was the right thing. At once, my mind conjured a vision of a new life in a small town where no one knew who I was. “I have some savings leftover. I’m just going to take some time out. Maybe write a book.”
Sam sat back in her chair and sighed. “You’ll send me a postcard, won’t you? When you get there?”
“I will,” I promised.
I stood up, and she walked me through the office and out the door.
“I’ll miss seeing your pretty face around here,” she said, giving me a hug. “Trinh will be disappointed. She had a soft spot for you.”
“Is she in today?”
Sam shook her head. “She’s coming in tomorrow. I’ll pass on the news to her then.”
“Thanks, Sam.” I gave her a grateful smile.
She nodded. “You take care, now.”
Lucy began fussing over me like a mother hen when I told her my plans. “Colorado? Why Colorado?”
“I don’t really know,” I said, folding another T-shirt and placing it neatly into my suitcase.
“Has Colorado got anything to do with Rad?”
“No, this is what I need to do—for myself.”
“But Colorado—that’s Rad’s name. I thought you were trying to get over him. I mean, why not . . . I don’t know . . .” she threw up her arms, “Denmark? Why Colorado?”
“Because—” I began, then sighed. “Look; I can’t explain it. I know it sounds crazy, but I just have this feeling that I need to be there.”
“Okay,” she said, looking bewildered. “And do you have to go right away? What’s the rush?”
I took my Audrey jacket from its hanger and put it on my bed.
“I’m going to leave you with some money for the bills and stuff.”
“Don’t worry about it. Mum and Dad have my back.”
I smiled at her gratefully. “Thanks, that would be a great help.”
“Have you told your parents?”
“Yeah, they’re cool with it.”
“Even your mother?”
“Even my mother.”
My relationship with Mum had sunken to an all-time low after the stunt she pulled at Christmas lunch, so she had been on her very best behavior ever since. She even loaned me a generous sum for my trip.
“Audrey,” Lucy was suddenly tearful, “what am I going to do without you?”
When I told Ida, she raised her eyebrows and stubbed out her cigarette on the red heart-shaped ashtray that was a permanent fixture on her desk. She leaned forward and looked as though she was about to say something, but I quickly cut her off.
“I know what you’re going to say. The Colorado thing is some kind of coping mechanism that my anxiety-addled brain has conjured. That somehow going there will bring me closer to Rad. Even if it makes no logical sense.”
“I wasn’t going to say that at all. Sometimes we look too deeply into these things.”
“Maybe the name is just a coincidence.”
She smiled at me. “Or serendipity.”
“Sometimes it feels like I’m following bread crumbs.”
“Like in Hansel and Gretel?”
I nodded. “Are you a fan of Doctor Who?”
“I wouldn’t say a fan exactly . . .”
“Do you know the general gist of it?”
“Yes, he’s a time lord who pilots a ship called the TARDIS. Usually, an earthling joins him on his adventures.”
“Pretty much. There was an episode titled ‘Bad Wolf’ where Dr. Who’s companion, Rose, hooks into the heart of the TARDIS and becomes this entity with the power to influence time and space. Armed with this power, she scatters the words ‘bad wolf’ throughout oceans of time and in several different worlds. The words were like a code that the past versions of herself could recognize and follow in order to save the world—well, the universe. I suppose that every time she saw the words ‘bad wolf,’ whether it was a piece of graffiti or the name of an evil corporation, it was like a bread crumb leading her to a predetermined conclusion. That’s what it feels like for me. Like I’m being guided somewhere, and there’s a reason for it, only I won’t know what it is until I get there.”
“So that’s what you mean about following bread crumbs.” She sparked up another cigarette. “Sounds very insightful.”
“It’s just a thought,” I said with a shrug.
She was quiet as she seemed to be thinking something over.
“I know it seems like you’re in this infinite loop: one step forward, two steps back. But I do think you’re making strides, even if you’re not aware of it yourself. That’s very important for you to know—you have come a long way.”
“Really?”
She took another drag. “Yes. The fact that you’re going on this trip is quite a remarkable progression.”
“I still find it daunting.” My hand traced the line of my rubber band. “I’m putting on a brave face, but I am terrified. At the moment it doesn’t feel real. But there are times when it sinks in that I am going, that I am really doing this and . . .” I gave her a wry smile. “Well, you know.”
“It’s absolutely normal to feel that way, Audrey. I do believe this will be good for you, and if you ever need me, you can find me on Skype. But I kind of have a feeling I won’t be hearing from you again.”
I took a deep breath. “It’s kind of crazy, isn’t it?”
“We all need to follow our intuition, even if it takes us down the wrong path. Otherwise, you’ll always be second-guessing yourself.”
“I know. This was always my dream—to live in a quiet mountain town and write a book. It’s been my dream for as long as I can remember.”
“Then how lucky you are that circumstances have allowed you to follow it.”
“Yeah, I just wish—” I shook my head. “No, forget it.”
“That Rad could go with you?”
I nodded, tears once again welling up in my eyes. “I can’t believe how hard it is. The pain is indescribable. It’s like I’ve been turned into sandstone and my insides are being slowly hollowed out by a chisel and mallet.”
“First love,” said Ida with a sigh. “That’s the one that kills you.”