I reached over and took his hand. It was cold and clammy.
“I should have been there for her,” he continued. “Regardless of whether the gossip was true or not. She had the whole town against her. She just needed someone on her side. But I chose not to be that person. A few hours later, her father called and told me she was dead.” He shook his head and buried his face in his hands.
“Rad,” I put my hand on his shoulder. “What happened to Ana wasn’t your fault.”
He turned to face me. “What do you mean? I just told you—”
I drew in a deep breath. “Rad, Ana was telling you the truth,” I said softly. “The rumor—it was a lie.”
He looked at me blankly. “A lie? But how do you know for sure?”
I opened my mouth to speak and then closed it again. My heart was beating so fast I felt like it was going to burst out of my chest. I swallowed hard and looked him straight in the eye. “Because I was the one who made it up.”
Rad stared at me as if I was an apparition. Like I had just materialized from thin air to occupy the passenger seat across from him. “You made it up?” he said dumbly.
I nodded. “I told the story to Lucy and Candela one night, and Eve overheard us. She passed it on to her mother, and that’s how the rumor got started.”
“Audrey, what are you saying?” He grew more and more distressed. “Why are you saying this shit?” He looked around the car wildly.
“Because it’s true,” I said, my voice breaking with emotion. “And I live with my guilt every single day.”
“You’re fucking with me, aren’t you?”
I shook my head and bit down hard on my lip. “I wish I was, but I’m telling you it’s true. It was a lie. I made it up.”
“Why the fuck would you make up something like that?” he said, grabbing my shoulders and shaking me. “Why the fuck would you do that?”
“I don’t know,” I said, tears welling up in my eyes.
“What were you thinking?” He was shouting now, his eyes flashing with anger.
“I don’t know,” I said again, my voice small and unsteady. “Kids say stupid things. I had no idea it was going to end the way it did, or I never would have said anything.”
“What the hell did Ana ever do to you?”
“Nothing! She did nothing at all.”
“What the fuck, Audrey! Do you know what you’ve done? Do you have any idea?” His hands were clutching the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles were white.
“Yes, I do,” I said helplessly. “That’s what landed me in therapy. That’s why I couldn’t get through my exams. Don’t you think I would take it back if I could? I know what I did, Rad! Believe me—I do.”
“You don’t know,” he hissed. “You’ve got no fucking idea.” He was breathing hard.
I tugged at the door handle, and it opened with a click. “Audrey, what the hell are you doing?” he said, grabbing my arm. “It’s the middle of the night.”
“I have to get out of here.” I tried to pull my arm free.
“C’mon, Audrey.” He didn’t sound so angry anymore. “It’s not safe out there, for fuck’s sake. I don’t want another dead girl on my conscience.”
“But what happened to Ana wasn’t your fault. You know the truth now—it was mine.”
He turned away from me so I couldn’t read his expression. “Just shut the door, Audrey. I’ll take you home,” he said quietly.
Twenty-seven
Several weeks had gone by without a word from Rad. My whole life had come crashing to a halt. I couldn’t even bring myself to tell Lucy what had happened. She skittled around me cautiously during those dark days, worried about doing or saying the wrong thing.
I hardly got out of bed, ignoring my deadlines with See! Sydney and the frantic calls from Sam and Trinh. Lucy must have told them what had happened because after a while, the calls stopped. I knew I was jeopardizing my career, but all I could think about was Rad. Now that he was gone, nothing seemed to matter. I kept going over that night in the car when I confessed to him about Ana, and I wished I could take it all back.
The minutes, hours, and days crawled slowly by, as a sickening feeling grew in the pit of my stomach. I could still perform the basic human functions, but I felt soulless. Every time I came across something that reminded me of Rad, the dull, throbbing ache would rise to a sharp, painful crescendo, and the shock of it was almost too much to bear.
One day, Lucy, tired of tiptoeing around me, finally had enough. She marched into my room that morning and threw the curtains back. “Audrey, you’re a mess. Have a shower; have something to eat. If you don’t, I’m calling your mother.”
The sunlight hurt my eyes, and the thought of food made my stomach turn. But the threat of my mother’s involvement was much worse, so I got up and stumbled blindly like an automaton into the shower. The water felt good on my skin, and when I emerged twenty minutes later, I actually was a little hungry.
Lucy made some cheese toasties and set them outside on the courtyard table with two cups of coffee. I sat down, taking small bites at first, then wolfing the rest down.
“I don’t really know what’s going on with you and Rad,” she said, taking a sip of her coffee, “but I know how much you miss him.” She looked at me, putting her mug down with a sharp clatter. “Look, I know he must be thinking about you too. I see how you are with each other. He lights you up. I’ve never seen you so happy.”
I thought I was all cried out, but the tears rolled from my eyes like they had been lying in wait, ready to ambush me.
“Audrey, why don’t you call him?”
“He doesn’t want anything to do with me.”
“Why? What did you do that was so bad?”
I shook my head and looked at her, bitter despair coursing through my body. “It’s over, Lucy. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
I dropped by the office later that afternoon. It had taken all my strength and willpower to leave the house. As I walked into Sam’s office, her expression was a conflicted mix of reproach and concern. “How are you?” The concern seemed to win out, as her eyes scanned my face.
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a shit. Just going through some stuff.”
“That’s okay,” she said, motioning to the chair across her desk. I sat down, my palms flat on my knees. “Trinh has been covering for you these past few weeks, and we have a new girl in too. She doesn’t have your flair, but, hey, that’s why we have editors.”
“I’m really sorry to leave you and Trinh in the lurch.”
Sam sighed. “Is this about Rad?”
“Yeah, we broke up.”
“Sorry to hear that, sweetie—he was a real darling too.” She shook her head regretfully. “What a shame.”
“Sam, I have to get away.”
“Away?” A look of alarm crossed her eyes. “What do you mean?”