I felt like crying. “What if I’m making a huge mistake?”
“Then make it. You can’t go on living a lie.”
A few nights later, Rad sent me a text just past midnight.
You up?
Yes
Want to go for a drive?
Ok
I knew it was a bad idea. I was playing with fire. The right thing to do was to tell Duck I was seeing Rad again. It was wrong to sneak around behind his back, especially now that Lucy knew. It felt like my life had split into two paths and I was living both simultaneously, knowing that, eventually, they would have to collide.
I put on my jeans, grabbed my Audrey jacket and my house keys, and walked outside. “Hey,” Rad said as I got into the car.
“Hi,” I replied.
We were unusually quiet as we cruised the streets of Sydney. It wasn’t until we were heading north over the Harbor Bridge that he broke the silence. “It’s kind of weird, isn’t it? How we are hanging out so often?” It was an innocent enough question, but I knew he was heading into dangerous territory, and I was frightened. My attachment to this strange new world was steadily growing. There was something addictive about it—that free, exhilarating exchange we shared.
“Yeah,” I said quietly, hoping he would drop the subject. I wasn’t prepared for what came next, though.
“Audrey.” His voice was a little strained. “I’ve met someone.” A wave of nausea hit me. I swallowed hard.
“That’s great, Rad,” I said, trying to steady the quiver in my voice. “I’m happy for you.”
“Are you?” He glanced over at me. I felt a surge of anger, but I knew I had no right to feel the way I did. It was irrational. I had a boyfriend. Rad and I were just friends.
“Of course I am,” I said tightly. “So who is she?”
“That’s not important,” he said.
“Then why haven’t you mentioned her?” I tried to keep the bitterness from creeping into my voice. “If it’s not important, why wouldn’t she come up in conversation? Seems like a weird thing to leave out, since we’ve been talking every day—sometimes for hours.” I knew I was making a fool of myself, but I couldn’t stop. “What’s her name? Where did you meet her?”
“Her name’s Claire. I met her at a party. We’ve only been on a few dates, Audrey; it’s not serious.”
“It sounds pretty serious to me.” I tried to picture Claire but saw Ana instead. I snapped my rubber band, then glanced at Rad, whose eyes were fixed on the road. I wanted to backtrack ten minutes and stay frozen in that pocket of time forever. It felt like I was waking from a dream, dragged against my will, back to reality.
“Well, you’re free to see whomever you want,” I said.
“Audrey, I like you. A lot. But you have a boyfriend, and we’ve been hanging out for weeks now. As far as I know, you haven’t told him you’ve been spending time with me. I don’t really get that.” I felt tears well up behind my eyes. I turned my head away from him. The last thing I wanted was for him to see me cry. “What the fuck am I supposed to do?” he continued. “I don’t know what I am to you.”
“I don’t, either,” I blurted out. “I don’t know what we are to each other. But whatever it is, I know I don’t want to lose it.”
“I don’t, either,” he said after a while. “I don’t know what this is, but I like it.”
“Me too.”
Seventeen
It was a lazy Sunday morning, and Duck and I both had the day free. That was rare nowadays, with Duck’s studies and newfound preoccupation with WYSA taking so much time. The weather was light and breezy as we strolled hand in hand down the main street of Paddington.
“What should we do today?” I asked.
“I don’t know. They have those gondolas at Centennial Park; maybe we can catch one—get some ice cream as well.”
“They are so cheesy,” I said, with a laugh.
“Ice cream?” he teased.
“No, gondolas.”
“They remind me of Venice.” Duck’s parents took him on a tour around Europe when he was nine.
“Venice,” I sighed, my heart swelling up with the vision of an exotic, faraway place.
“I’ll take you there for our honeymoon.”
My stomach tightened. “Yeah,” I said absently.
We were walking past a jewelry shop when he stopped suddenly, pulled my hand, and led me to the window.
“I need to get a new watch,” he said, scanning the display. “What do you think of the blue Coach one?”
“It’s nice, but the Rolex is more you.”
“Like I can afford one.”
“Well, you’re going to be a hotshot lawyer one day. You’ll have plenty of cash then.”
“If I spend my money on anything, it will be on one of those.” He pointed at a display of diamond rings farther up along.
I laughed. “Well, that’s a long way off, isn’t it?”
“Is it really?” He looked at me, his expression serious.
“Of course it is, Duck. We’re way too young.”
“You used to say how you couldn’t wait to turn eighteen because then we could get married.”
I sighed. “I was a kid, Duck. Seriously.”
“Why are you acting like this?” He looked hurt.
“What do you mean? Like what?”
“Just—I don’t know. You seem distant lately, and I can’t work out why.”
I drew in a deep breath. I didn’t realize he had noticed anything was different about me. But now that he had brought it up, I knew I could no longer keep Rad a secret. This was the moment to tell him the truth. My heart was drumming loudly in my chest. I swallowed.
“Duck—” I began.
“Look—” he said at the same time. “Sorry, what were you going to say?”
“It’s fine; you go first.”
He sighed. “I know we haven’t been spending a lot of time together lately, and that’s mostly been my fault. I suppose I’ve been caught up with my studies and getting ahead. I’m just working toward the future, our future.”
“I’ve been working hard too.”
“Well, your work is different from mine.”
“Why is it any different?”
He looked away, and I realized what he was implying.
“God. You think my career is less important than yours, don’t you?”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“What did you mean?”
“Forget it,” he said, with a sigh. “I just have this whole plan in my head, you know. And you’re part of it. You always have been.”
“Having babies and scrubbing the floor—is that your vision for me?”
“You make it sound so awful. You love kids; you’ve always wanted them. What the hell has changed?”
“I think this is a conversation we should be having ten years from now.”
“Fine. Whatever.”
“Look, this is the first weekend you’ve had free for ages. I don’t want to spend it fighting with you.”
“Don’t do that, Audrey,”
“Do what?”
“What you’re doing. It’s emotional blackmail.”
“Emotional blackmail? Are you kidding me?”
He was quiet, and he seemed to be thinking things over. His expression softened.