Blake’s voice was empty and sad when he replied, and he didn’t acknowledge my response. It was as if he were speaking his thoughts out loud rather than to me. “You are better at everything,” he said pointedly. “You are so smart, and you always know what to do. When you were sick, I had no idea how to help you, but if it was the reverse, you would have known exactly how to handle it.” He let out a huff and kept talking, his voice rising in vigor. “You make my life so much better, Alyssa. You help me and nurture me. You make me want to be a better person.”
I opened my mouth but closed it, hesitant to speak. I wasn’t sure Blake would hear me because he had continued talking as if I wasn’t there. I could feel him looking at me as he spoke, but I was shaking and would be unable to face him without breaking down. If I started to speak, all of my defenses would crash to the ground. I wouldn’t be able to stop myself from telling him how he made me want to be a better person, too, or how I had been wrong about him, or that I cared about him. So I just sat there, struggling to keep every desperate cry inside, not letting him know that I needed him, too.
He finally ended his rant. “I can see the way I torture you. I confuse you, and I take you for granted. I’m no good for you, and it’s just not fair.”
I glanced at him and watched him, unable to stop myself. He wore a pained look on his face, and he was finally quiet. It was my turn to say something, and I should have corrected him. I should have told him that he did make my life better and that he made me happy. Despite knowing this, I remained silent. I wanted to dispute his words, but part of me thought it was better to say nothing.
Another part of me wondered if what he said was true. Was he good for me? Were we good for each other? I was happy before he came into my life, content with myself. Now, I had no idea who I had become or what I wanted. I was a mess, and I hated how hopeless and weak I felt around him, so unlike myself. I could feel tears forming in my eyes, and I was suddenly desperate to be away from him.
Before I shut the door, I could hear Blake say quietly to himself, “You deserve so much more.”
***
I spent the next two days either in class or locked in my room. I hadn’t seen or talked to Blake since we had spoken in his room. I avoided meals and only left my room when I was sure he was gone. He didn’t try to talk to me, either, for which I was grateful. I needed my space. I had to stay away from him, and I believed it was what we both needed.
I remained cooped up in my room, studying for finals. My head throbbed, and I was tired of reading the same notes over and over again. I was relieved when I heard my phone vibrate, indicating a text message. Grateful for the distraction, I picked up the phone and read a text from Maggie, asking if I was getting ready.
I typed back, Getting ready for what? Maggie was quick to reply. The party!!! I laughed at her dramatic punctuation. I thought about telling her I wasn’t going, but I’d had enough solitude, locked away studying in my room. I smiled as I texted her back. Getting ready now! I felt happy for the first time in two days.
A few hours later, I stood with Maggie at the entrance to the party, a throng of loud and wasted college kids yelling around us. I was dressed in high heels and a tight black dress. I had taken my time getting ready, and I felt a little self-conscious at my boldness.
“You seriously look crazy hot, Lys,” Maggie gushed, commenting on my appearance for the hundredth time.
I smiled at her. “You look great, too, Maggie.”
We walked into the party, pushing through the crowd. For an hour, Maggie and I danced and laughed together, taking shots and acting wild. My spirits lifted as the night progressed and the stress and sadness peeled away. Leaning towards Maggie, I said, “I’m having so much fun!”
She beamed at me and yelled back, “Me, too. This party is awesome!”
I nodded with a laugh. “I’m going to get a drink.”
Maggie nodded and kept dancing, and I made my way through the crowd to the kitchen, which was significantly less crowded. I grabbed a beer, turned, and practically bumped into Matt.
He looked incredible. His dark hair was swept back, and he smiled. “Hey, you made it!” he exclaimed, looking genuinely happy to see me.
“Yeah, the party is awesome.” I took a sip of my beer.
Matt looked me up and down. “You look amazing.”
I blushed. “Thanks. You look great, too,” I added quickly, looking up with a shy smile.
Matt leaned in a little closer to me, his large body practically towering over mine. I inhaled his scent, heady and rousing. “Do you want to go somewhere quieter?” Without much thought, I nodded, and he took my hand in his, pulling me away from the kitchen and up a set of stairs. He led me into a bedroom and said, “This is my room, so no one will bother us in here.”
I was a little nervous to be alone with him because I really didn’t know him. I looked around the room, keeping my distance from his bed. I was surprised that he had so many books, some of the same ones I had in my own room. I looked at him standing near the doorway, watching me as I looked around.
“I didn’t know you were in this fraternity,” I commented, thinking he didn’t act much like a frat boy.
He shrugged. “Yeah, my dad pledged here when he was my age, so I was kind of expected to. It’s pretty great, though.”
“Awesome,” I said awkwardly.