“Goodnight, Mom,” I said, walking towards the door.
I felt nervous leaving Alyssa alone, so I decided to stay in her room. I looked around the room, saw a somewhat comfortable-looking pink chair in the corner, and headed over to it. “I’m going to be right here if you need anything.”
Alyssa was already asleep, so I sat in the chair, my body aching and tired. I watched Alyssa, and as I fell asleep, a strange calm washed over me. I thought about how nice it would be to see her every night before I fell asleep and every morning when I woke. My eyes finally fluttered shut, and dreams of sparkling blue eyes and a musical laugh filled my sleep.
When I woke again, sunlight filtered in through Alyssa’s bedroom window. My body was stiff from sleeping in the chair. Alyssa’s bed was empty and neatly made. Confused, I stood up, wondering where she was. I hurried into the hallway and was about to head downstairs when I saw her reach the top of the stairwell. She smiled.
“I was just about to wake you up,” she said, a cup of tea in her hand. Her hair was wet, and she was dressed in a robe and slippers.
“Are you feeling better?” I asked, noting that she looked healthier.
She nodded and said, “Yeah. I mean, I have a horrible headache and still feel nauseous, but I think my fever is down for now.”
“That’s good,” I said, relieved to see her in a better state. I had no idea what time it was or if I was late for class.
“Shit. What time is it?” I asked her, heading to my room. I looked at my clock and saw that it was 9:47 am. I was extremely late.
Alyssa stood in my doorway. “I’m so sorry I didn’t wake you up sooner. I just thought you needed your rest after last night.” Her expression looked so remorseful that I stifled my irritation.
“It’s fine,” I mumbled, tearing off my clothes. I wasn’t sure if Alyssa was watching me, but I didn’t have time to care. I changed and grabbed my phone, ready to run downstairs.
I pushed past Alyssa, who stood in the hallway, clutching her cup of tea with a frown. I realized she would be too sick to go to class today, so I would drive myself in. I headed for the stairs but turned back to see Alyssa shuffling to her room. “Wait,” I called out, walking over to her. Feeling guilty, I said quickly, “My mom is downstairs, but you can call or text me if you need anything.”
I kissed her softly on the top of the head before bounding downstairs, grabbing my stuff, and taking off for the day. There were a million thoughts running through my head as I drove to school, all of them focused on Alyssa. I took a deep breath. Knowing I would have a whole day without her made my day look that much worse.
Alyssa
I sat in my bed, typing emails to my professors to explain my absence. I sighed, rubbing my temples in an attempt to reduce the pain of my nagging headache. Setting my laptop down next to me, I laid back now that I had finished. I should use this time to study since I wasn’t able to attend class, but I was much too tired to do so.
I spent the day in my bed, watching movies and eating soup and doing my best not to think about Blake. I failed miserably. Memories of yesterday practically played on a loop in my mind. I frowned as I wallowed in a mess of conflicted feelings. I wanted to be angry at him for kissing me, and for us almost having sex, but I knew better. We made that mistake together. Even stronger than the anger that lingered was dissatisfaction stirring inside of me. I was so hungry and desperate for those lustful moments. The vast, overpowering temptation made me feel helplessly out of control.
This was yet another loop in the large, entangled knot of our relationship. Between all of the anger, lust, and regret, I didn’t know what to feel. There was no “normal” for us anymore, and I feared the situation was spiraling out of control, becoming too big to manage. The next steps we took were crucial—they would define what would come next for us. Would we finally free ourselves from this vicious cycle or let ourselves sink even lower?
On top of all of these bigger issues, the pettier part of me wanted to be mad at him about Brittney, who was basically his girlfriend at this point. I knew, though, that he hadn’t planned for us to hook up, and I had stopped it. After all the caring things he did for me while I was sick, I couldn’t be angry. In fact, guilt began to plague me. He had been late for class because of me and continuously got distracted from studying. If he didn’t pass finals, it would be my fault.