“Oh. Okay, wow, yeah. No, it’s fine. I just… I’m gonna shut up,” she said quickly and he smiled. “Sorry, I wasn’t expecting that.”
“No, it’s cool,” he said simply, nuzzling his nose against her neck, apparently done talking about it.
But she was not.
“You feel so good,” he whispered, kissing her neck, and she almost let him move on.
Almost.
“Okay, Mr. Change the Subject, I kinda wanna go back a bit,” she said, moving so she could see his face.
Repositioning her legs over his so she was almost straddling him, he cleared his throat. “Using my words against me.”
“Yeah,” she said, eyeing him. “Like, I need more there. Not that it changes anything, but I kind of need to know.”
He looked down at the water, taking a deep breath. “No, I know.”
He wouldn’t look at her, and his shoulders fell. Shit, she was messing this all up. “I’m not looking at you differently, I promise.” He gave her a look, and she stressed, “I’m not!”
“You are.”
“No! It’s just crazy. You don’t seem the type to do that.”
“I was a different person then,” he said simply and she shook her head.
“I’m sorry I can’t wrap my head around it. You seem like such a stand-up guy.”
“But I wasn’t back in the day, I was shit,” he said, his voice breaking a bit. She reached for him, holding his hands.
“Whoa, I don’t want to upset you. You don’t owe me anything; you don’t have to tell me anything that is uncomfortable,” she said quickly. She was surprised how upset she got for him. She didn’t want to hurt him, she didn’t want him to relieve a shitty past, she didn’t like the look on his face. The look of pure defeat and regret. She couldn’t handle that. No, this wasn’t her Benji.
Her Benji.
Okay. She’d come back to that.
Looking at their hands, he sucked in a deep breath. “No, it’s a part of who I am now. I want you to know because you worry about me not liking part of your past. Well, there is a damn good chance you won’t like mine.”
Her heart sank as she watched him—the way his jaw was taut, the way he wouldn’t look her in the eye. This wasn’t how he was. Yeah, it had only been a week with him, but Benji was all about eye contact.
Shit, she was scared. “Okay.”
Moving his tongue along his lip, he swallowed hard. “I got swept up in the rookie life. I was with a young team, and they liked to party. I had grown up drinking with my family. Started young, really.” As he took another bracing breath in, his nerves vibrated Lucy’s soul and made her anxious.
Her nerves getting the better of her, she started talking. “Everyone drank early, at least, my family did. My mom and dad, as soon as each of us turned sixteen, made us drink with them. They’d get us trashed to where we would wake up, sick as dogs. It worked on me as a deterrent—I wasn’t much of a drinker. But it had the reverse effect on the boys, and they can still drink. I’m rambling. Why am I nervous? Okay, I’m shutting up.”
She snapped her mouth closed, and he smiled. Leaning to her, he pressed his lips to hers. “I really like when you ramble.”
She smiled sheepishly. “You’re making me nervous ’cause you’re so nervous.”
He shrugged. “Sorry, I really don’t like talking about it, but I want you to know.” She didn’t know what to say, so she just kept locked in his gaze as he cleared his throat. “But yeah, I came from a drinking family, lots of functioning alcoholics. Then I was drafted early, hit the NHL quick, and everything went downhill. I was a nasty drunk and I hurt a lot of people, almost lost my career, I, ugh—” He paused, letting out a long breath and shaking his head. Her heart was breaking.
Wow, she really cared for this guy.
Because one look in his grief-stricken gaze and she wanted to fix it. She wanted to make everything better. She wanted the grin, the teasing—she wanted her Benji back.
Not this nervous ball of regret.
“It’s okay, Benji, really. You aren’t that person anymore. I seriously didn’t ever think you could have done anything like that. You’re so upstanding, so great. Really,” she said, cupping his face and flashing him a small smile. “You beat it. You’re clean. How many people can actually say they did that? Not many, but you can, and I’m so proud of you.” He leaned into her hand and stared into her eyes, his eyes searching hers as he took in gulps of air. “God, smile, Benji. You’re killing me.”
His lips curved, but it didn’t meet his eyes. It was almost like he was struggling with something. Like he was holding something back, and she didn’t know why. It was crazy how easy it had become to read him in such a short amount of time. But she could, and he was killing her.
As he reached for her hand, lacing her fingers with his, he brought the back of her hand to his lips and kissed it softly. When he looked back into her eyes, something shifted between them as her heart ached for him. She wasn’t sure what it was, but she knew she cared about him enough to want to fix him.
To make him smile.