“Because if you don’t know me then no one does. And that matters now. Someone has to know me or it’s as though I’m not even here. I don’t exist.”
I inhaled and released my breath in a steady stream. It felt good to hear him say that. When I first met him, he didn’t care about what happened to anyone . . . even himself. He didn’t want to care about me. He definitely didn’t want to love me. But he did. I ran a finger down the center of his chest. “I know a way out of the castle.”
His fingers ceased moving through my hair. He propped an elbow beside my head and hovered over me. “You what?”
A smile tempted my lips. “There’s a hidden door in the kitchens leading out of the castle. At least that’s what I was told.” I knew I should maybe suspect the source, but she didn’t have any reason to lie to me about that. I believed her. Or at least I believed it was worth investigating.
He laughed lightly and pressed his mouth to mine. Coming up for air, he murmured, “It shouldn’t surprise me that you know this.”
I looped my arms around his neck and said loftily, “Well, I did dive underground and rescue you from a horde of dwellers.”
“Yes, you did, and now you found a way out of here. You can do anything, Luna.”
“You’re correct,” I teased. “Don’t forget that.”
“Don’t worry. I wouldn’t be able to forget anything about you.”
My smile faded. I wasn’t the only girl he found unforgettable. There was another one. Another girl he couldn’t forget. I moistened my lips, deciding it was time to ask him. After everything we’d been through, after tonight, if I couldn’t say what was on my mind then I was a coward.
I finally got the words out. “Tell me about Bethan.”
His hand stilled, and I tensed in the stretch of silence, every moment that passed convincing me he wasn’t going to say anything. Or he was going to change the subject. Disappointment weighed on me.
“I—I’ve never talked about it.” He gave a brief, humorless laugh. “Not that I’ve had a slew of friends since I left Relhok. It’s only that sometimes . . . the guilt . . . well, it eats at me.”
“Guilt? Why do you feel guilty?”
He took his time before answering. His voice rumbled out of the dark. “Bethan died because of me. For weeks she wanted to run away to find the Isle of Allu. She believed in every story she ever heard of it. It was all she could talk about. She wanted to flee. She was so frightened of staying in Relhok City, but I wouldn’t listen. I thought we had time . . .”
“Why was she frightened to stay there?” In my mind, the walls surrounding Relhok had to offer some comfort. More protection than anything to be found in the Outside.
“She was afraid of my father. She knew he didn’t approve of us. And she was afraid of the lottery. Every fortnight, my father sacrificed a human to the dwellers.” His pained sigh wormed its way inside me, making me shudder. “I should have listened. She was right. My father wasn’t going to permit me to love anyone that did not benefit him. It was simple enough to rig the lottery so that her name was pulled. I couldn’t stop him. I couldn’t save her.”
His words echoed around us in the vastness of my room. A swell of silence rose between us before I said, “You can’t blame yourself for the actions of others. Your father is guilty. Not you.”
He sighed again. “I know that. It’s taken me a while to accept it, but I do know that. That’s not why I feel so guilty.”
“It’s not?” I pulled back slightly, not understanding.
“No.”
“Then why do you feel guilty?”
“She asked me to go and I couldn’t. I didn’t.” He took a breath, his fingers moving through my hair again, sifting through strands and making me melt against him. “But you . . . you could ask me anything and I would do it, Luna. For you, I would do anything. For that, I feel guilty.” My heart constricted at his confession. “I feel more for you than I’ve felt for anyone.”
Words abandoned me. All those jealous, selfish thoughts I’d had about this mystery girl made me feel small and shamed. She was dead. I had no right to begrudge her relationship with Fowler. Just as I had no right to feel so elated over Fowler’s admission.
Since I couldn’t say anything, I did what I could. I kissed him.
TWENTY-THREE
Fowler
NOW THAT I was permitted to leave my bed, I conducted a discreet reconnaissance of the palace over the next couple of days. Maris was my constant shadow, but that didn’t stop me from assessing, weighing options, and considering the best way for Luna and me to get to the kitchens undetected.