“You know, in Australia we don’t customarily circumcise boys anymore,” Jackie interjected. “It’s seen as an outdated practice, and a human rights issue. Boys should be given the right to make a decision about their own foreskins.”
Rachel had been enjoying her lunch immensely, but all this foreskin talk was suddenly making the glistening bits of chicken skin on her dish look particularly unappetizing. After the ladies had taken turns passing around the iPad and oohing and aahing over the chubby little toddler, Nadine ended the call as the maids brought in trays filled with sinfully delicious nyonya kueys.
Daisy spoke up as she ate a piece of kuey dadar.*3 “That grandson of yours is just tooooo cute! I look at him and I want to pinch those fat cheeks!”
“Next to Beyoncé and Rihanna, he is the greatest joy of my life,” Nadine said.
Rachel glanced at Nadine curiously, wondering if she had heard her correctly.
“Really, Nadine, you should be in London enjoying your grandson. He’s at the most adorable age right now!” Carol suggested.
“I loved my grandkids when they were at that age. After they were potty trained, but before they started getting potty mouths!” Daisy laughed.
“How about you, Rachel? When are you going to make Eleanor a proud grandmother?” Lorena asked point-blank.
Rachel saw that all eyes in the room were suddenly glued on her. “Nick and I do hope to have children someday.”
Lorena cocked her head. “And when might that someday be?”
Rachel noticed that Eleanor was staring at her intently but staying absolutely silent, so she chose her words carefully. “Well, the last few years have been…so eventful…we’re just waiting for the right time.”
“Trust me, there’s never going to be a right time. You just have to do it! I had three sons in three consecutive years. Got them out of the way in one go, lah!” Daisy said breezily.
“It’s a lot more challenging to have kids these days than during your time, Auntie Daisy. Especially raising children in New York, you really have to—”
“So have your baby in Singapore. You can have your pick of nannies here—Filipino, Indonesian, Sri Lankan—or even splurge on an eastern European,” Lorena chimed in.
“And all of us will gladly help to babysit!” Nadine volunteered.
Rachel was quietly aghast at the thought—Nadine couldn’t even babysit her own shopping bags. She smiled at the ladies and said diplomatically, “Thank you for all your advice, aunties. I really will take it to heart and discuss this with my husband.”
“Is it Nicky who’s stopping you from having a baby?” Daisy inquired.
“Um, no, not exactly…” Rachel said awkwardly.
“Then is it you? Are you concerned about being not able to bear a child at your age?” Daisy prodded.
“No, that’s not a concern.” Rachel took a deep breath, trying not to get annoyed by all this probing.
“Aiyah, aunties, stop putting so much pressure on poor Rachel!” Jackie suddenly spoke up. “A woman’s decision to have a child is the most important decision she can make.”
“Okay lah, okay lah, we are just so eager for Eleanor to join us in the grandmas’ club!” Daisy laughed, breaking the tension in the room.
Rachel shot Jackie a grateful look.
Jackie stood up and said to Rachel, “Here, come with me. Let’s get a little fresh air.”
Rachel put her tray aside and followed Jackie out of the bedroom. Jackie made a quick turn around the corner and opened the door to what was Carol’s private prayer room. “Let’s go in here.”
Rachel entered and the first thing she saw was a medical examination table in the middle of the room, the kind with raised footrests found in gynecological clinics.
“You know, Rachel, I’m an ob-gyn in Brisbane, and if you have any medical concerns at all about your reproductive system, we can address them right now,” Jackie suggested, flipping on a switch. The room was suddenly flooded with harsh white fluorescent light.
Rachel stared at her for a few seconds, too stunned to speak.
Jackie smiled as she handed Rachel a pale green patient gown. “Here, why don’t you put this on and get on the table, and I’ll perform a quick pelvic exam?”
“Um, I’m quite all right, thanks.” Rachel began backing away from her.
Reaching into her pocket, Jackie pulled out a pair of surgical gloves and began to put them on. “This will just take a few minutes. Auntie Elle just wants to know how those ovaries of yours are doing.”
“Get away from me!” Rachel cringed as she turned toward the door. She ran into Carol Tai’s bedroom and grabbed her purse without a word.
“Aiyah, so fast?” Nadine commented.
“Is everything okay?” Carol asked sweetly.
Rachel turned to Eleanor, her face red with fury. “Just when I thought you might be a semi-normal mother-in-law, you go and pull this stunt?”
“What are you talking about?” Eleanor said innocently.
“You had an entire friggin’ examination room set up next door! You planned this entire bullshit ambush, didn’t you? Just because Nick and I haven’t had any babies yet, you think I have some medical problem?”
“Well, you can’t blame her for thinking that. We all know this isn’t Nicky’s problem—he’s got great genes,” Lorena said.
“What is wrong with you people?” Rachel seethed.
Eleanor suddenly stood up and began shouting. “What is wrong? Look at my hands, Rachel. They are empty!” She thrust her open palms out. “Why am I not getting to cradle a baby? It’s been more than two years now, five if you count how long you’ve been sleeping with my son! So where’s my grandchild? How much longer are these hands going to be cold and empty?”
“Eleanor, THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU! Nick and I will have a child when we are good and ready!” Rachel yelled back.
Daisy spoke up in defense of her friend. “Don’t be so selfish, Rachel! You and Nicky have had your fun! It’s time to do your duty and give Eleanor a grandchild now! How many more years do she and Philip have to enjoy their grandchildren? The next time I see you in Singapore, I want you to be holding a big bouncy baby!”
Rachel was outraged. “Do you think it’s that easy? I just snap my fingers and a baby will magically appear?”
“Of course! It’s soooo easy to have babies these days!” Nadine exclaimed. “I mean, my Francesca didn’t even have to get pregnant herself. She was so scared of getting stretch marks, she hired a pretty girl from Tibet to carry the baby. The day after Joshie was born she was already off to some party in Rio!”
Carol tried to step in. “Ladies, let’s not get too worked up. I think we should all say a prayer together—”
“You want a prayer? I’ll give you a prayer. Dear Lord, thank you for getting me the fuck out of here. Amen!” Rachel said, storming out of the room.
* * *
*1 Singapore’s impressive Electronic Road Pricing system (ERP), used to manage road congestion, has also led to impressive levels of bitching from citizens.