I showered three times, shaved once, made the bed ten times after getting in and out nine times. I circled the room, did jumping jacks, and flushed my lunch down the toilet. That was all six thousand and something tiles ago.
The sounds of the house alarm went off, and I sat in my spot in front of the wall, annoyed that the noise had interrupted my count, and listened to Nate and Tiny’s voices as they came closer, their footsteps thumping across the floor, stopping for a moment at the basement entry. A second later, the wooden stairs creaked, and a few seconds after that, Nate spoke behind me. “Tiny got that stuff you wanted,” he said, and I looked up at him leaning against the doorframe, hands in his pockets. “Sorry.” He grimaced. “Did I make you lose count?” His tone was flat, his voice weary and I cocked my head as I took him in. Really took him in. His hair was a mess. Long, thick, dark strands sticking out all over the place and his eyes… his eyes were so tired. Still, he stood there, a smile on his face that was as sincere as any other he’d given me, and so I got to my feet, and made my way to him, my hand grasping his as soon as he was within reach.
Of course he’d be tired… he spent the entire night taking care of me and my crazy, and he didn’t get the luxury of lying in bed nine times a day. I cupped his cheek and leaned up, kissing him softly, slowly, and he returned the kiss with the same passion, same need as always.
“What was that for?” he asked, licking the taste of my kiss from his lips.
I shrugged and gripped his hand tighter as I led him to the table where Tiny was emptying the bags of takeout. A few weeks back, Tiny and Nate had brought home something that hadn’t sat well with me and so I’d spent the next few days over the toilet bowl. Nate, being Nate, nixed the idea of fast-food style takeout, and now we all had to sit and eat food from some dairy-free, gluten-free, fat-free, happiness-free restaurant. I was almost positive Tiny went out afterward and bought the greasiest burger known to man, but he put up with it for me… and maybe because Nate made him.
They offered to help with the leaf project, and when I told them I wanted to do it on my own, something to occupy my time while they were gone, Nate agreed.
So, a month later, and with the help of Tiny running errands and getting supplies and Nate helping to hang the fairy lights, I stood at the bottom of the basement stairs with my hand on the light switch, a swell of pride coming over me at the idea of what I’d created. “Hurry up, babe. I want to see it,” Nate said, lying on the bed, one arm folded behind his head, the other out to his side, waiting for me.
I flicked the switch, casting darkness across the room, an excited giggle pouring out of me as I blindly made my way to the bed. Once settled in Nate’s arms, he asked, “Ready, baby?”
I nodded against his chest, hoping he’d feel it and a moment later, the fairy lights turned on, creating a glow directly above the bed. Trickles of light and reflections danced through the hanging strings of laminated fall leaves, and I exhaled slowly, a million emotions hitting me at once.
“Holy shit,” Nate breathed out. “It’s beautiful, Bailey.”
I tried to speak so I could agree with him but the knot in my throat prevented it. There was a burning behind my eyes, and as hard as I tried to fight back the tears, they came. They came fast and strong and just like that, I was crying. Not loud and ugly like I had the night I found out Nate had had a birthday without me, but quiet… calm… peaceful, almost. It was the moment realization set in and all my hopes and dreams lay lost in the darkness, and no amount of fall leaves or fake sunlight could save them.
“I missed my mother the moment she left me,” I said, maybe to him, or maybe just to get it out of my system. “I was lying in the backyard surrounded by leaves, looking up at the ones still hanging on the tree, the sunlight behind them… then I heard her car door close and the engine start and by the time I ran out there she was gone. It was almost like we are attached by an invisible elastic band and the moment she was far enough, it snapped from the force of the tension, and I’d felt that snap right away. There was a sudden ache in my chest, a twist in my gut, and I knew she wasn’t coming back. I couldn’t tell you how I knew, I just knew…”