Days turned to weeks, and I stopped counting—both the tiles and the time. I’m not sure if it was a good thing or not, but I could no longer do it to myself. Because with the counting, came the hope—the hope of freedom—and I owed it to Nate to stop thinking about it. Even though my ideals of freedom had changed from the basic memories of the outside world to dreams that included Nate and the outside world, it still wasn’t fair to put that much pressure on him, even if it was only in my head.
Tiny had dinner with us once a week, on Tuesdays I’d been told, and I enjoyed that time with them. They both seemed to relax during those nights and sometimes (like now) I just sat back and watched them. I listened to their laughter and banter, and I found myself wondering how there could be this much of a contrast from who they are as themselves, as opposed to the people I met in the darkened woods one fateful night, to the people they had to be. Then I remembered that Nate was only twenty-two and for some reason that made me sad. Really sad. “Is this the life you expected to have at twenty-two?” I asked him, cutting into whatever conversation he and Tiny were having.
“Um…” Nate gave Tiny a sideways glance.
“Twenty-three,” Tiny said, and Nate’s jaw tensed, his eyes narrowed at Tiny.
“You had a birthday?” I whispered. I don’t know why it hurt so much to know that, but it did. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
Nate lifted the glass of whiskey to his lips and paused with it there, his gaze locked on Tiny as if sending a silent message.
“Nate? Why didn’t you tell me?” I repeated.
He sighed, his shoulders dropping with the force of it. “It’s not a big deal.”
“It is to me!” I snapped. Sure, I was defensive, but they were supposed to be my friends. My only friends. My family. And they’d purposely kept something from me.
Nate finally turned to me as he tipped back the whiskey, his throat shifting when he swallowed. “It’s not a big deal, Bailey. It’s just another day, and it’s not like we could’ve done anything to celebrate so…”
The tears came fast and free, and I couldn’t contain them. Just like I couldn’t contain the sob that burst out of me. And so I ran to the bathroom and slammed the door because I was so embarrassed, and for so many reasons. Not just because I’d broken down for what to them might seem like nothing, but also because Nate was right. We couldn’t even go out to celebrate his birthday. I couldn’t buy him a present. I couldn’t even cook him a meal. And to think that only minutes ago I’d actually asked him if this was the life he wanted. Twenty-three and trapped with me. His existence was almost as pathetic as mine. No. It was worse. Because he had a choice. I didn’t.
“Bailey!” Knock. Knock. Knock. He didn’t wait for a response before opening the door, but he didn’t step inside. He just stood there, arms raised, gripping the doorframe. “This is why I didn’t tell you, babe, because I knew you’d act like this.” He licked his lips, his eyes slow as they blinked, trying to focus. He’d been drinking, like he did every Tuesday night, but he was nowhere near drunk. “And you can’t really be mad at me for knowing you too well,” he said, a slight smirk building as he released the doorframe and took a step forward. He peered down at me through his thick lashes, the corner of his bottom lip trapped between his teeth.
I took steps backward until my ass hit the counter and I had nowhere else to go. Then I pressed my hands to his chest to stop him from coming closer. He was trying to seduce me into forgetting my feelings and most of the time it worked, but I wouldn’t let it now. “You don’t have to be with me, you know?” Puke rose to my throat as the words left me, but I needed to be strong. I needed to get through the rest. “You deserve to be with someone who’s going to love you completely, who’s going to know what the fuck day it is so you can be together and celebrate your birthday—”
“I did celebrate my birthday,” he interrupted.
I crossed my arms and raised my eyebrows.
He nodded. “With Tiny. He took me to dinner.”
If his admission was supposed to make me feel better, it had the complete opposite effect, and the sob that escaped me was proof of that.
“Bailey,” he said through a sigh. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“You deserve more, Nate,” I cried, pushing on his chest. I ignored the look of rejection on his face as I shoved him out the door and wiped the tears off my cheeks. And with the bathroom door almost closed, I told him, “I just want to be alone.”
*
I’m not sure how long I sat with my ass on the floor, my back against the door, an entire roll of toilet paper scattered around me. I cried. I cried hard, loud, fat, ugly tears until there was nothing left, but it didn’t take away my pain or my insecurities.
My cries slowed as I pushed off the door and started to pick up the strewn bits of toilet paper and that’s when I heard it… a slight thump on the bathroom door. Tiny and Nate were going to work at a Halloween party. No one was supposed to be home.
Every single muscle in my body froze.
So did my breathing.
So did my heart.
“Bailey?” Nate said.
“Jesus Christ,” I breathed out, relieved, and asked, “What are you doing home so soon?”