His dark words stirred her uneasiness. "I know you were not driving the car that hit him, Nathan. You were with me that night."
"Yes, but earlier that day, two men had come by the house looking for my stepfather. They worked for a bookie named Jose Ortiz. They told me if my stepfather didn't pay up, he was going to get hurt really bad. I guess they thought that I would encourage him to pay so that wouldn't happen."
She heard the hard note in his voice and had a feeling where all this was going, but she had to let him get there on his own.
"I almost didn't say anything. I almost let them leave. They were at their car when I ran out of the house and down to the sidewalk. I told them if they wanted to talk to him, they could find him at Smokey's Bar on Sycamore. And then I went back inside. My mom was in the kitchen. She was upset because she'd been so depressed she hadn't cleaned the house that day, and she was crying that my stepfather was going to be mad. I helped her with the dishes and told her not to worry, hoping that that night would end differently than the others." Nathan drew in a breath. "Nothing happened for hours. I waited for my stepfather to show up or for us to get a call, but neither occurred. I went to meet you for pizza, thinking that my big plan was a bust. I thought they'd let him off the hook. I thought things might be even worse once he realized I'd told them where he was."
"But they hadn't let him off the hook," she guessed. "They ran him down with a car."
"Yes. I heard they went into the bar, and my stepfather was stinking drunk and belligerent. Witnesses said there was an argument, but that my stepfather left on his own. He was hit two blocks away, and no one saw anything. He died in the middle of the street. And when my mom called me down to the hospital, she was crying, but I saw relief in her eyes. She wasn't going to have to worry anymore."
"You never told her you sent the men there."
"No. I never told anyone, not even Josie—until now."
She was humbled by his trust in her. "I'm glad you told me," she whispered.
He met her gaze. "I wasn't driving the car, Bree, but I knew they were going to hurt him, maybe kill him, and I helped it happen. When the police came around, I never mentioned the men coming to the house. I pretended I didn't know anything about his debts. My mom didn't have to pretend, because he had kept her in the dark. And Josie was so drugged out of her mind half the time, she was just glad she could finally sleep at home again." He drew in a ragged breath. "When I realized how much weight was lifted off of us after his death, I wished I'd found a way to get rid of him sooner. I'd had chances to kill him myself, but I never did. I hated myself for being weak."
"Oh, Nathan, you weren’t weak."
"How else do you explain it?"
"You're not a killer. It's not easy to take someone's life. That's why most people can't do it."
"It should have been easy; he hurt us so badly."
Her heart went out to the guilty anguish in his eyes. "You were a boy. And your mother loved that man even when she hated him. I remember how conflicted you were when I first met you. You wanted her to be safe, but you wanted her to be happy. You didn't know how to make both happen at the same time, but that's because you were thirteen."
"I wasn't thirteen forever. Things got worse after we left the shelter."
"You were still young." She moved closer to him and put her hands on his shoulders. "I really wish you'd told me before."
"I couldn't get the words out. You thought I was your mirror of truth. You were mine, too, Bree. I didn't want you to be disappointed in me. I didn't want you to think I was capable of setting someone up to be killed. I was really no better than Johnny; I just didn't want to admit it."
"So many things make sense now—why you suddenly got so distant. I thought it was all about me. How selfish was that?"
"I wanted you to believe that."
"If I'd known, things would have been different."
"Maybe not."
She frowned at his words. "What does that mean?"
"Since we're being completely honest, I had another reason for staying away from you."
"Your hatred of Johnny?"
"No. My love for you."
Her heartbeat quickened. "You were not in love with me, Nathan."
"I was—helplessly and hopelessly in love with you," he confessed. "I didn't completely understand it at the time. You were my friend as a kid, but then in high school, I just really wanted to kiss you. But if I did that, I knew we wouldn't be friends…so I didn't know how to act around you."
"You never said anything. You never even hinted. You had other girls around, too."
"I knew you didn't feel that way about me. I had to hang onto a little of my pride. Then Johnny came into the picture, and there was no reason to say anything. You'd made your choice."
"Made my choice? You didn't give me a choice."
"You know what I mean." He raised a hand as she opened her mouth. "Before you say anything else, I want to make something perfectly clear."
"What's that?" she asked warily.
He wrapped his arms around her. "Tonight was not about the past. We have a history, yes, and it's complicated, but being with you tonight was about the present. I was living in the moment."
"So was I," she murmured, happy with his words. "And you're right; it wasn't about the past. We are not the same people we were when we were thirteen or sixteen or eighteen. We've grown up. We've built lives. We've become our own people. We weren't ready to be together when we were teenagers. I'm really glad we came together now. I don’t have any regrets."
He leaned down and gave her a long, tender kiss. "I have never regretted a minute with you, Bree."
"That might be overstating things," she said with a smile.
"Not a minute—not when we were fighting, not when we were making up games, not even when we were playing strip poker, which, by the way, just about killed me. I don't know how I got through that night."
"Our game got broken up."
"Right. That's how I survived." He tilted his head, giving her a thoughtful look. "I really can't believe you never knew how I felt about you."
"I knew things felt weird at times between us, but I wasn't the most perceptive person at that point in my life. I guess I was worried about hurting our friendship, too. I also didn't know how to connect with people. I didn't know what sex and love really meant. And I was never confident that anyone would really love me for longer than a minute. I think that's why Johnny swept me away. He was bold in his intentions. He didn't hide how he felt about me. I didn't have to guess. And it felt good to be wanted."
Nathan's gaze darkened. "I wish I'd been able to show you how I felt. I was juggling so many balls, trying to keep my family together, trying to hide my secret. I thought if I said anything about setting up my stepfather to be killed, I might end up in jail, and I knew my mom and Josie wouldn't survive without me."
"I totally get that. It all makes a lot of sense now. We were both broken, Nathan. But we're not broken anymore. We're whole and we're healed. We had our bad times. We got through them, and we'll get through whatever Johnny has in store for us."
"I like that," he said approvingly. "You're right. It's our time now."
"Tomorrow is a new day." She smiled. "Another Nathanism."
"I really did speak in clichés, didn't I?"
She shrugged. "They always made me feel better."
"Well, the sun won't be up for several more hours, so…"
"So…" she echoed, as he gave her a long, hot kiss that stirred her senses.
But it wasn't just the kiss, it was the honesty they'd shared. She felt a deep connection to Nathan, a sense that being with him was where she was always meant to be.
"Let's take this back into the bedroom," he said. "I want to go slow this time."
"Seriously? You think you can manage that?"
"You're the impatient one," he said with a laugh. "I like to savor things."