Taking a deep breath, Kisa brought our joined hands to her lap, her free hand making small circles on the back of my hand.
The room was silent, apart from our strained breathing. I wondered if she wanted me to explain why I agreed to this tonight, if that’s what she was waiting for. I shifted trying to think of something to say, how to put my feelings into words, but before I could, Kisa said, “It’s funny.” I stilled as she spoke, then she laughed a humorless laugh. “When I was young, I used to think that love conquered all.” Kisa’s hand shook in mine, and I edged closer to Kisa’s side.
She lifted her head, her blue eyes meeting my brown. “But I now know this isn’t true.”
I took a deep breath at her confession, and fear filled my body. Was she…? Was she done with me? Was she telling me she’d had enough of me?
Lifting her hand, Kisa ran a finger under my left eye. I couldn’t speak as I watched her eyes glisten with tears.
Pushing my hand into her long brown hair, Kisa gave me a weak smile and squeezed my hand. “I now know that love conquers most. And I’m okay with that—most.” She shrugged. “No one on this planet is perfect, Luka. So it shouldn’t surprise me that no one can take away all their lover’s demons. That I can’t make you free of your painful past. I can’t make you into the carefree boy you were as a child.” I didn’t dare move as Kisa kept speaking. She leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss on my cheek. “But I can hold you when those demon’s rise. And I can chase them away with a kiss, with a touch, by making love.”
“Kisa…,” I whispered, unsure what to say in response. Her words, what she was saying, they meant everything to me. Kisa placed my finger over my lips, and shaking her head, cut me off.
“I love you, Luka,” she assured firmly, “and I accept the man you are now, wholeheartedly. I accept that you are the two loves of my life—you are both Luka and Raze. You’re the passionate and considerate boy from my youth, the one who would kiss me on the beach and I’d read to each night. But you are also the strong and tortured man from my present. My fierce protector. The man who saved me from a life of grief, the man who holds me in his arms all night. That man needs me just as much as he needs the air to breathe.” I swallowed, trying to absorb every word spilling from her mouth. I tried to wrap my head around that she was finally understanding me. Expressing the way I felt inside. And accepting the man I had become—the man that was both Luka and Raze.
My eyes blurred with tears, and holding my hand she pressed her forehead to mine. “Both Luka and Raze make you the man you are now. One doesn’t exist without the other. Both of their life’s blood runs through your veins, mixing together to be this you. This man right now, holding my hand so tightly, and I will love them both until my dying day, and beyond if God allows it to be the case.”
Kisa glanced away and I watched her swallow her fear, her emotions, Kisa took a long breath, and smiling, turned back to me and said, “So be the man you are now, lyubov moya. Be both my Luka and my Raze. Don’t fight it anymore. Embrace them as sweetly as you do me.” Tears ran down our faces as she whispered, “Be at peace. Finally.”
I lurched forward and wrapped my wife in my arms. I was shaking with the relief of Kisa’s acceptance. Hot tears fell from my eyes as I buried my face in her neck. She just held me close, never letting me go.
Minutes later, I pulled back. Something felt like it had changed between us. A peace had settled in my body. I looked at my wife, my beautiful, perfect wife, and I exhaled.