Kurt mulled over the question. He’d been away from Leanna for a day, and he had no idea how he’d make it until tomorrow, much less Monday. He couldn’t imagine his life without her. He leaned his arms on the fence and exhaled loudly. Talking about feelings wasn’t something he was used to doing, but Rex made it look so easy, and feel so right, that the words came easily.
“To be honest, until Leanna, I never felt much for a woman. My life was about writing, and family of course, but that goes without saying. I don’t know about the whole spiritual connection thing, mostly because I’ve never really thought about it. But as far as Leanna goes? I think about her every second.” He smiled. “Boy, do I ever. She’s gotten under my skin. I want her with me even when she talks incessantly and barely takes a breath.” He looked at Rex. “So yeah, I guess I do feel that way. I’m going on thirty-one and have never lived with a woman, well, besides my sister, of course. I have no idea if I’ll drive her crazy or what, but I do know that I can’t wait to have her with me every day.”
“That’s love, man.” Rex stood up and put a hand on Kurt’s back.
Kurt’s phone rang, and he pulled it from his pocket. “It’s Leanna.”
“Go ahead, man,” Rex said. “Talk to her. We’ll catch up later.”
Kurt watched Rex walk away, and headed toward the front yard as he answered Leanna’s call.
“Hey, babe. How did it go?” He climbed the porch steps, thankful for the privacy.
“Hi. Wanna FaceTime?”
“Yeah, sure.” A few seconds later, her lovely face—and worried eyes—filled the screen.
The look in her eyes tugged on his heart. He wished he were there with her, holding her, easing whatever disappointment she was feeling.
“Uh-oh. What happened?”
“Are you in a place where you can talk, or is your family right there?”
Something in her voice brought him to his feet and caused his gut to clench. He descended the porch steps and walked at a fast pace toward the driveway, feeling the need to move. He didn’t know why his legs propelled him forward, and he didn’t question it. He trusted his instincts and continued walking.
“I’m alone.”
“Okay.” She bit her lower lip, and he breathed a little harder.
“Babe? What is it?”
Her eyes filled with tears, and he froze. He stood on the side of the road staring at his phone and feeling completely impotent. “Leanna?”
She wiped her eyes. “I’m okay. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Tell me what’s going on.” He held the phone in both hands and watched her wiping her eyes and taking deep breaths. He caught glimpses of her kitchen behind her as the phone shifted with her movements. At least she was home safely.
“Take your time, babe. Take a deep breath.” What was going on? His heart hammered against his ribs with worry. Every muscle tensed.
“The meeting went well.” She wiped her eyes again.
“Okay. Good.” But?
“They want to carry my products in all their stores.”
“That’s fantastic, so those are tears of joy?” Why don’t they feel like that?
She shook her head.
Uh-oh.
“They want me to remain local, and in order to fulfill the distribution to the stores, I’d really need to be here full-time.” She pressed her lips together in a tight line.
“Full-time.” His heart sank.
She nodded.
“Why? I don’t understand. Can’t you get another facility in New York and continue there in the fall and winter? Or work from my house? Our house?”
She shook her head. “They want to support local businesses, and they said if I prefer not to remain local, they’d rather not carry the products because they don’t really need another jam distributor, but they would welcome another local business to support.”
So it’s me or your business. It was an awful position for her to be in, and he could see from her watery eyes, the wrinkles along her forehead, and the way her lips turned down at the edges that the weight of it was too much for her to bear. Kurt had his career. He had his well-planned and enjoyable life that ran smooth as butter in New York. How could he ask her to give up the chance at having all of that herself?
He couldn’t.
He wouldn’t.
“Well, is this what you want?”
Tears tumbled down her cheeks as she shook her head. “I don’t know. I finally found something that I really love doing, something that resonates with me on every level—and then I found you. I love you, Kurt, and you resonate with me on every level.” She laughed through her tears and covered her face with her hand. “This is par for my crazy, messed-up life.” She lowered her hand and he studied her hooded, red-rimmed eyes.
All he wanted to do was ease her pain, and he knew there was only one way to do that. He knew how much she loved him. Every word she spoke was laced with love. Every glance of her hazel eyes bathed him in her warm emotions, and her heart—her glorious, generous heart—brought forth feelings he never knew he was capable of feeling. He had to do what she might not be strong enough to.
“Your life isn’t crazy or messed up.” This situation is. “It’s okay, Leanna. We can still make this work, if that’s what you want.”
“Yes. I want you. I want us.” She nodded and swiped at her tears. “But how?”
“We do whatever it takes. This is your chance, Leanna. You’ve found the thing that you were searching for, and with you, I found what I never knew I was missing. So, no matter how hard it is, we make it work. You’ll stay at the Cape and do all the things you should be doing to build the business you’ve been working so hard to create. I’ll stay in New York and commute to the Cape every chance I get. It’ll take some coordinating, but we can do this.”
Even if I hate it.
Even if I’ll barely be able to think past the empty side of the bed where you should be.
Even if I miss you like a phantom limb.
“We can? You’re sure?”
“Unless it’s not what you want. You tell me, babe. I want you to be happy.” And I hope like crazy that you want me.
The worry slipped from her eyes, and the edges of her lips curled up. “I want us on every level, so if that means weekends, then yes.”
It had taken Kurt only a few days to fall head over heels in love with Leanna, and it took less than ten minutes for that love—and their new decision about their living arrangements—to rip his heart to shreds. He let out a breath and pressed his hand to the dull pain in his chest.
“I love you. We’ll make it work.” The sounds of laughter carried in the air. Laughter. He felt like his life was crashing down around him, and he couldn’t lean on anyone for support. He wouldn’t ruin their good time with his troubles. And there was no way he’d let Leanna feel bad at a time when she should be over the moon about her new endeavor. Weekends. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. He could write without interruption during the week and make the best of his time with Leanna. He tried to convince himself that this was okay, that he could live with it.
“I don’t want you to worry. Just…celebrate. This is your time, Leanna. Go out with the girls and know we’ll be just fine. I’m not going anywhere.” Except, apparently, to Cape Cod every weekend. Kurt began calculating drive times, flight times, and how much time they’d actually have together each weekend.
Not nearly enough.
It would never be enough.
Chapter Thirty