"Now, you do. But what about when I hack off all my hair and gain a hundred pounds? No, you'll want me to be someone pretty and weak. Just like Locke wanted me to be Rose."
Standing, I think about asking Minka to handle Darla. I'm not emotionally equipped to deal with this woman's pain. Hell, I can't even deal with my own. I just drank my way through the worst of it and then pushed the rest deep inside. How in the fuck am I going to fix all the sadness and rage ripping up Darla?
"Do you remember the first time we met?" I ask, sitting down next to her and snatching away the scissors. "I couldn't even see your face, and you were wearing those giant sweats."
Darla glares at me with her exhausted eyes. She looks at my hand holding the scissors.
"I'm not saying you aren't beautiful, but you're more than beautiful to me. You make me feel things no other beautiful woman does. I'll still feel those things if you're bald and three hundred pounds."
We sit quietly for a few minutes. Darla's rapid breathing slows before I hear her let out a whimper.
"I fucked up my hair," she whispers, touching the ragged ends.
I reach over and cup her cheek. "It's just hair."
"I'm not dirty."
"No, you're not."
"That man by the elevator was Mister Punishment."
"Dead was a good look on him."
Darla forces a smile. "I want to sleep forever."
"How about we just sleep for a few hours instead?"
Scooting closer, she leans against me. "I don't know what I'm doing anymore."
"Neither do I," I whisper, caressing her mangled hair. "I shouldn't have left you tonight."
Darla looks up at me. "Mister Punishment hurt me so many times, and he always laughed. Seeing him out there made me feel like nothing had changed. As if running hadn't freed me at all." Her voice cracking, she trembles in my arms. "He could have killed you."
"But I killed him first. Just like I'm going to kill Locke."
Eyes heavy, Darla nods. "You killed him."
I get to my feet and lift Darla to hers. "Let's rest."
"Is that lady Minka talked about...? Is the lady Mistress Agony?"
"Yes. She will never hurt anyone again."
Climbing into bed next to me, Darla nods, "I fell apart tonight. I don't know why I didn't see that coming."
"When you wake up later, things will make more sense. If they don't, you can take a pill and rest more. Soon, the monsters that hurt you will all be dead, and life will get easier."
"Your clothes are wet," she murmurs.
I climb out of bed and strip down before sliding under the covers. Darla watches me while I pull the blankets over us.
"This apartment is nice," I murmur when the silence goes on for too long.
"I don't want to be Rose anymore."
"You never were Rose. It was a lie."
An exhausted Darla nods. "I wish you were inside me. I like when you touch me."
"Later when you're not half asleep."
Eyes half closed, Darla smiles. I realize how I deprived her of the only thing she really craves. She doesn't need security or love. After all, Minka keeps her safe and treats her well. Yet I'm the only one who gives Darla a sense of belonging. I'm her pathway to a future without fear or pain.
46
~~~
Darla
Who Do You Want to Be?
Awakened by the sun, I find myself in an unfamiliar beige room. Panic rises inside me until I roll over to find Troy looking like a sleeping Adonis. He rests on his back with his hand across his chest.
My eyes burning with fatigue, I relax back on the pillow. I think about the last twenty-four hours. Sharing my body with Troy was the best moment. Slipping towards a breakdown was the worst. I touch my butchered hair and assume I look worse than usual.
I doze off, listening to Troy's steady breathing. Soon, I dream of Diana's last birthday party, unable to shake all of the noise and chaos around me. The real party had only twenty kids. The dream version has over a hundred. The noise sends me into a terrified panic, but I can't escape.
Troy wakes me up and ducks when I swing my hand reflexively at him.
"It's just a dream."
"They were swarming me."
"What was?"
"Kids," I mumble, sitting up against the headboard. "So many horrible little kids screaming and pulling at me."
"Well, there's only you and me here," he says, sitting next to me and holding my hand.
"I don't want kids," I tell him. "I don't know if you even think about that when you think of me, but I wanted you to know."
Waiting for his reaction, I feel too tired to lie anymore. I'm this messed up person. I can go to therapy and take pills. I can get stronger, but the woman I was before Locke is gone forever.
"I've never had any urge to be a father. I see my brother with his kids, and I don't need that."
Troy kisses my hand and continues, "If you ever wanted a kid, though, I'd learn to be a solid dad. I know our baby would be perfect, but life with just you and me would be perfect too."
"Are you sure you wouldn't be happier with someone less... you know?" I ask, making a crazy gesture with my finger.